Starting Weight
460 lbs
Current Weight
357 lbs
Total Lost
103 lbs
Pledged/Donated
$6,810.00
52,844 Lbs of Food
Click to Join 'Donate My Weight'
Ben's Blog
10/03/2008
So here I am, another week has passed and another bad number on the scale. The one good thing is that I have not put on any more weight. Then again, I haven't lost any of it either. I still haven't been able to find a good job and none of the people I am calling for jobs are calling me back. On top of everything, my vertigo has come back to make things that much more difficult.
It's not anywhere as bad as it was before, but it's throwing me off and making me really anxious. I woke up yesterday morning and when I stepped out of bed, I felt like I was on a boat. All day yesterday, I felt slightly dizzy and off-balance. It's not enough to require a doctor but just enough that it throws me off and feels very uncomfortable. Not knowing what it is isn't helping with the anxiety either.
The only real question at this point is where do I go from here? Should I give up on this whole thing and go back to my old lifestyle of eating massive amounts of garbage and pushing myself farther and farther from the people who care about me? Not only will that significantly affect my own life and the lives of those most important to me, it will also keep tons of food out of the mouths of people who really need it. But on the other hand, what if I can't meet my goal and I am just continually setting myself up for failure?
Reasons to quit-
I might not be able to meet my goal no matter what I do
I am afraid to fail and by quitting, at least I will be in control of the situation
I am addicted to food and I can't stop eating things that are bad for me
Reasons to keep going-
My wife deserves a husband she can be proud of and have around as long as possible
My kids deserve the same thing
I deserve to have a better life
I've already come so far
If I quit, I will die young, no question about it
If I quit, I will gain the weight back and be miserable
If I quit, I will feel worse than I have ever felt about myself
When I finish the diet and meet my goal, I will feel incredible
The choice is pretty clear, I NEED to keep going! I need to shake off this funk and throw myself back into the diet and exercise plan. I'm thinking I have been feeling a little depressed lately and it's fueling my diet issues. I am just going to have to find another way to deal with the sad feelings. Pain and frustration are a part of life and when I stop experiencing them, it will probably mean I'm dead.
So what if I don't have a job? I'll get one! I gained a little weight back? I'll just have to lose it, plus a whole lot more! I'm back in the game and I don't expect to stop again until I'm done. I think I just lost track of my priorities and I allowed the hard times to get me down.
No more!!!!!
10/01/2008
I've had a couple of days to think about things and I'm feeling a little better. I'm still upset about what I've been doing and the results I'm seeing on the scale. Aside from being a stupid thing to do, it's also really selfish when you consider how I'm holding back all that food from people who really need it. I don't know what the heck I'm doing sometimes.
I sent Misty a text today and told her what was going on with me. I told her I needed her help and I wanted her to train me. Her response was, "What took you so long?" I'm lucky to have such a good friend like her and I'm hoping she can help me get back on track. I have been working out on my own previously, with a plan that Misty created for me.
I haven't actually trained with her though, because I felt like I knew what to do and I could monitor myself. I also didn't want to let her down by making an appointment one day and not showing up. I've been unreliable with things in the past and I didn't want to waste her time or show disrespect for her in any way. I'm still worried I will either let her down at some point or get all anxious while she's training me and have a panic attack.
This is a really tough time for me and I think everything is starting to catch up with me. Not having a job is driving me out of my mind and it scares me to think about bringing a new baby into the family. I can barely pay the bills now and what if I don't find a new job before the baby is born? Oh my God, that's not going to be until April. I can't just sit around here all that time and do nothing.
We want to move into a new house and I can hardly afford this one. I want the kids to be able to play outside and ride their bikes around, you know, do the kinds of things kids do. They can't do it right now, because we live in the city and it'd be way too dangerous. Now I'm going to bring a new baby into the family and I want to be able to do better for them all. Even so, I keep messing it all up.
I'm really at a turning point here and I need to get control of this situation. I don't want to be fat anymore and I don't want to be a screw-up. I want to be someone my kids and wife can look up to and respect. Right now I feel about a thousand miles away from that.
09/29/2008
Well, I still feel terrible about what happened on Friday and I don't know how to turn things around. I spent the weekend at the Henry Sawyer Inn in Cape May and I didn't count my calories like have should have done. How stupid am I right now, messing this up when I'm so close to the first truckload of food from Wegmans?
I didn't go crazy with food over the weekend, but I did eat a few things I should have avoided. This whole thing doesn't make sense to me and it's really messing with my head. I know exactly what to do, to lose the weight and achieve my goals... but I don't do it. This doesn't make sense to me at all. I want to lose this weight more than anything and I don't know why I keep sabotaging myself.
The food does make me feel better when I'm upset, but then I end up feeling worse a few hours later. Sometimes I think that food is my closest friend. I know that probably sounds dumb and the food is more like my biggest enemy. Even so, I can't completely cut food out of my life like I did with alcohol and cigarettes. I don't know where to go from here.
09/26/2008
Today is a terrible day for me. I stepped on the scale and found that I gained 5 lbs back. I don't even know what to say here, I feel like such a huge failure. Andrea and I are supposed to go to Cape May for me to research another inn. I don't know how I will do with my diet while I'm down there, with all the good restaurants and candy shops.
I feel like I just got a kick in the stomach and the worst part is, I did it to myself.
09/24/2008
I blew it. I stinking blew it.
This morning, I got the craving to eat donuts... and I blew it. I walked over to Wawa and bought a box of Tastykake donuts. Then I came home and ate half the box. I also ate a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. I feel like such an idiot right now. There are people all over the country who are watching what I'm doing and asking me for advice as they try to lose weight themselves. Meanwhile, here I am eating a breakfast sandwich and half a box of Tastykake donuts. Crap.
On top of everything, I still have this stupid cold and I feel like garbage. I couldn't sleep most of the night and I every time I did fall asleep, I had all kinds of crazy, disturbing dreams. Lord knows what I was talking about yesterday when I said the cold was getting better. I feel worse today than I did yesterday.
I just can't believe I caved in like I did this morning. Everybody makes mistakes now and then but come on! I ate half a box of donuts! The sole redeeming point in this whole situation is the fact that I could only eat half a box. I would have easily polished off the whole box in the past. That's not something to brag about either. Man, I am such a boob.
And I keep thinking of Wegmans and that incredible donation they're going to make when I hit 115 lbs. While they're making the preparations for the donation, here I am making decisions that will put it off. Now I will have to make sure my screw up this morning doesn't taint the rest of the day.
I have a terrible habit of making a mistake on the diet and feeling like the entire day is already blown. It's a rationalization that I have used in the past, to convince myself to continue cheating later in the day. The idea was that I could always start fresh the next day. Of course, that would also mean I cram a lot more empty calories into my body before tomorrow comes.
Today's the day I have to break the cycle and throw that old habit in the garbage. A simple mistake (even one as big as mine today) shouldn't give me the carte blanche to eat whatever I want. It makes one setback a lot worse than it has to be. Even so, it will be a hard habit to break. I guess there's no time like the present to give it a try.
I still feel like a dolt for eating that sandwich and those donuts....
09/23/2008
Another day, another dollar... oops. I still have not been able to find a job, but I've been searching high and low. I even have an appointment this afternoon with a Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment counselor with the VA. I hope they can help me find something to pay the bills or at least, steer me in the right direction. We'll see.
My cold is getting a little better, though I was up almost all night. I took my allergy medicine and I hope that gives me some relief. Jordan and Andrea were also looking a little rough this morning. Alexandra seemed to be ok and not feeling any more symptoms. I'm a little jealous- ha! It's amazing how many times I've been sick this year, but I think it's probably due to the diet making my immune system a little weaker than normal.
My panic symptoms have been better over the past couple days but I am struggling with the diet. That's not to say I'm not doing well, I think I am. It's just been one heck of a fight! I don't know what it is these days, but every time I see some kind of good food, I feel like I've got to have it. I have been able to restrain myself from going crazy and cheating on the diet, but it's not been easy.
I was in a local grocery store yesterday and I walked past a display of freshly-baked donuts. Now, I am a man who likes his donuts. I love those delightful little balls of dough and frosting. Even thinking about them now is getting me hungry. Donuts and chocolate milk are perfect together... Getting back to the story, I was walking past the display and they were calling out to me.
They all looked so good and inviting. I wanted the cream-filled, I wanted the glazed, I wanted the custard-filled, etc. I wanted them all! Things were going fast and furious in my head as I had a little argument with myself over whether or not I should buy them. I know the answer should seem obvious, but in that moment it wasn't so clear.
While I was standing there fighting with myself, I felt my feet walking away from the donut aisle. It was a most peculiar thing. I literally thought to myself, 'Hmm. I'm walking away but I still haven't decided if I should buy them.' It was seriously that way too. I must have unconsciously taken control of things while my conscious mind was trying to ward off the temptation. The whole deal was kind of bizarre and surreal, but I take it as definitive proof that I am meant to lose this weight!
09/20/2008
What a week it's been! I lost another two pounds and I picked up a cold. Actually, my whole family is getting sick. I think one of the kids brought home some sort of bug because we are all feeing it. Even Andrea's dad, who lives next door, is getting the cold. He's a healthy guy who exercises like a maniac, pretty much everyday. I think this is the first time I've even seen him feeling under the weather.
It was like that with my own dad. He was rarely sick, but when he was, it hit him like a ton of bricks. He almost always went to school no matter how sick he was, but then he would come home and camp out under a blanket for the rest of the night. The day he died, he went through that routine. My dad thought he just had a bad cold with chest congestion, so he took some aspirin and covered himself with a blanket in his den. We found out later that it wasn't congestion from a cold, he was having a heart attack.
Speaking of my dad, I had a very interesting experience this past week. I had a job interview down in Philadelphia and on the way home, I was listening to a special cd I made for Andrea. One of the songs on the cd was from POD and it was called 'Thinking About Forever'. It's about the pain of losing a parent and how hard it is to move on with your life.
As I'm listening to the song, I saw a lone Monarch butterfly next to my car. It was flying along with me, circling around the driver-side window. Right as it flew away from my car, I heard these lyrics, "If you can hear me, show me a sign. Please send a butterfly or two." I'm not making that up or embellishing anything, that's exactly the way it happened. My dad loved the orange and black Monarch butterflies. And considering I haven't seen any other Monarch butterflies in over a year, I'd say that's a pretty clear message.
So it seems that my dad really is with me in this fight and I'm so happy to know it! I only wish I could see him or give him a hug. That would make me feel so much better. I really do miss him.
Things are going ok with the diet and I am hoping to have another good week, next week. I'm a little worried about the cold. I won't be able to go to the gym and work out if it gets worse. The last time I worked out when I was sick, I got that whole vertigo problem and there is no way I want to risk that again. Ah ah, no way. Regardless of what happens with the gym, I will stay strong with the diet and keep fighting the good fight!
09/18/2008
I'm still feeling somewhat anxious today, but not as bad as the past couple days. I spoke with a doctor at the VA about the way I've been feeling and he told me that I should be taking the Xanax pills as needed, one or two a day. I told him that I was worried about becoming addicted to them or having problems with the medicine. That's why I try not to take them unless I absolutely have to have one.
He told me I shouldn't worry about the Xanax, because I am taking such a small dosage and I only take them once or twice a day.
He also told me that at my small dosage, I could not become addicted to them, even if I took them every day for months. He explained that the addiction comes at much higher doses of the medicine and when people take them more than 3 times a day, every day.
I told him that every time I have been taking the medicine, I felt a little bad about myself, like I failed to stop the attack. He made me feel better by comparing my panic disorder to any other medical problem that people need medicine to control. He also helped me to feel better about my fear of the medicine. I'm supposed to take two pills if a full attack comes on, but I have only ever done it once.
I was so afraid that the medicine would make me feel all out of control or make me more anxious. The doctor explained that it would be exactly the opposite, it would stop the attack in its tracks and help me feel more in control of things. He said that my fear of medicine is typical of panic disorder and another reason why people with the disorder rarely abuse medication. It made me feel a little better, but I will become more at-ease with things with time.
Even though it may be related to panic disorder, I know exactly why I'm afraid of medicine. I've had two terrible experiences in my past that shaped that fear. The first one occurred while I was in the Navy, serving overseas. My right hand was injured and I had to have surgery to repair the tendons.
They made a mistake with the anesthesia and right in the middle of the operation, I woke up. I remember it too. I remember opening my eyes and seeing people all frantic, then feeling them holding me down. I later learned that I tried to sit up and I made a fist with my hand that had just been repaired. I ripped open all the sutures, which required them knocking me back out and operating again.
When I woke up in the recovery room, I was a mess. My mind was working at full speed, but my body was slow and not responding right. I would try to walk or talk, but I couldn't make my legs work right and the words were all slow-motion like. I felt as if I was trapped in my own body and it scared the hell out of me. That lasted over 24 hours and even after, I was uncoordinated for a couple days. I'll never forget it.
The second experience that helped fuel my fear of medicine was an accident that happened while I was at Lock Haven University. I used to take my Zoloft at night, before I went to bed back then. Well, one night I took my medicine and went about my business. Not realizing I already took it, I took a second pill. Once I knew what happened, it was too late and I had a TERRIBLE night.
I felt like a psychopath and had some of the worst anxiety I've ever experienced. I didn't have Xanax pills back then, so I had no choice but to sit back and take it all. It was a horrible, horrible thing to go through and whenever I take any medicine, I have become almost compulsive about making sure I don't double-up. If I'm not sure about whether or not I've taken my Zoloft now, I will stay safe and just not take it that day. Because of the way the medicine works, I can miss a day every once in awhile without a huge problem.
Before I get myself all upset thinking of those bad times, let me talk about something really cool that happened yesterday. Andrea had her second appointment with the midwife in the afternoon. I went with her to lend some moral support and because I think it's important for the dad to be involved right from the start. I had also been worrying like crazy that something bad would happen, thinking about the previous miscarriage.
I seem to be a real worrier anymore, I never would have imagined it. I used to go from bar to bar in the Navy, doing what young men do and acting like a fool. Then I went to college and though I had panic attacks, I drank to cover them up and feel better. I was in that young, nothing can hurt me stage. Now, I'm like an eighty-year old woman. I wonder if this is it, if I'll spend the next 30+ years of my life (however long God allows me to hang around) being a compulsive worrier.
But I am totally digressing from the story of the midwife visit. Anyway, the midwife told us that things were progressing normally and everything seemed to be in line with a normal pregnancy. The baby's heart was beating strong and I even got to hear it, which I have to tell you, brought tears to my eye. After all that worry and fear, hearing that fast little boom-boom-boom-boom made me feel so good.
That's my little boy or girl, I thought. That's my baby! The whole thing got me a little emotional and I don't mind admitting it (see, I really AM like an 80 year old woman). It was a great time and it made all the anxiousness I've been feeling seem worth it. Sure, I wish I had been able to lose more weight in the past nine months and yes, I wish I had not cheated on the diet this past week.
But you know what? I'm still breathing and as long as I wake up tomorrow, I'll have another chance to lose more weight. I'm so close to that halfway mark too. I am dreaming about that Wegmans truck pulling up to the loading dock of the food bank. It's going to happen and then I will really kick it up in the second half of the diet. I'd love to lose all the weight before the baby comes, but if that doesn't happen, well, I'll just have to keep going.
Oh, and we
bought our first baby clothes last week!!!!! Andrea picked them out and
their the cutest little things-
I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I live to see my baby grow old. It's amazing how much I could come to love someone I haven't even met.
09/16/2008
I had kind of a rough day today. I was on the treadmill this morning, when out of the clear blue sky, I felt a panic attack coming on hard and fast. I tried to stick it out but it quickly became apparent that it wasn't going away. So I jumped off the treadmill and then left the gym.
On my way home, I took one of my Xanax pills and I used my skills to de-escalate things. I was able to keep the attack at bay, but I felt like garbage the rest of the day. It was a sort of depressed, unexplained sadness and it hung over me like a heavy blanket.
Andrea asked me a couple times what was wrong and I told her I didn't know. The thing is, I really didn't know what was getting me so upset. It was just a general kind of blah feeling and I guess I expected the little Xanax pill to take it away. After I talked with Andrea about things tonight, she pointed out that the pills aren't meant for that, they are supposed to stop the panic attack... which is what happened.
She reminded me that everybody has sad day now and then and it's no big thing. I still feel all confused, like I don't understand what's been going on with me lately. I've been feeling so anxious and having many more panic attacks then normal. Even though what happened today didn't progress to an actual attack, it really shook me. I think it's like when someone experiences a traumatic event and then later, something minor happens and brings them back into the moment.
I'm probably just analyzing the whole thing way too much, but I just don't understand why this is all happening again. Andrea told me I need to find a way to accept that I have Panic Disorder, because it will help me to feel better. At first, I thought she was nuts because I am WELL aware that I have it. But then she pointed out that I am always asking why- why I have to deal with these attacks and why it doesn't seem to stop sometimes.
I hate to admit it, but I think she's right. Problem is, I don't know how to finally get it through my thick skull to accept the situation. It's not like I sit around and feel sorry for myself, it's not like that at all. I do realize how lucky I am to have my eyesight, hearing, the ability to walk and talk, etc. I know things could be so much worse for me, but when that attack hits, I just want to curl up and die. It's a very hard thing to explain to someone, the feeling that you are losing control of yourself and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
I think of it like having someone hold you down and no matter how hysterical you get, they just won't let you up. It's a feeling of being trapped, but the worst part is, I'm the one trapping myself. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy, even though I know that's not the case. It's very hard to understand and I would do just about anything to make it go away forever.
I'm worried about my weight loss for this week because I have been having a hard time with the diet. I'm not going crazy with huge amounts of food or anything, but I've crossed that 1500 calorie threshold more than a few times in the past week. I hope I didn't gain any weight back, that would be a crushing blow. We'll know on Friday...
09/14/2008
Today's been a nice quiet day, so Andrea and I took the opportunity to think about all the fun that will be happening in 7 months. We have a bunch of stuff picked out on our baby registry and I can honestly say I learned a lot about newborns. I'm so grateful that Andrea has the experience with babies because as scared as I am now, it would be absolutely terrifying without her knowledge.
Then there's the standard Daddy feelings, wondering if I'll be good enough and if I'll do the right things as a father. I try to do the best I can with Jordan and Alexandra, but there's times that I completely second-guess myself. I know I make mistakes, but it's a big learning process and I do the best I can. The good thing for the two of them is that they also have their biological dad in their lives.
When Andrea gives birth in April, it'll all be on her and me to make sure the baby is raised right. I'll be the only daddy in that baby's life. It will be totally my responsibility to teach him or her the lessons that only a dad can teach. I hope to God that I do things right and set the child up for a successful and happy life.
On a different subject, I had some delicious chicken and rice soup for dinner. Andrea makes her own homemade chicken soup and it is rocking! Lots of fresh vegetables and she simmers the broth with an entire chicken for hours and hours. She does a really neat thing that I never had before, too. She separates the chicken and the noodles at the end, so people are able to put in as much chicken and as many noodles as they like. It also serves to keep them from getting all soggy and mushy.
The calories are relatively low for the soup, but the sodium is high. To be able to fit it into my diet, I have to have it at the beginning of the week. All that sodium causes me to retain water and I need to flush it all out of me before I weigh in on Friday. Otherwise, the scale won't show any weight loss, no matter how well I did that week.
I am only nine pounds from that official halfway mark and I keep thinking of how great it will feel when that Wegmans truck comes to the food bank. I talked to Bill, the Service Manager at our local store and he told me they are equally excited about the donation. He was very animated when we talked and it was easy to see he truly was excited, which made me feel great.
This week, I'm going to push myself as hard as I can in the gym, with the weights and then on the treadmill. I want to make sure I am doing everything humanly possible to meet that goal in the next two weeks. There's so many hungry people depending on me to deliver that food and I won't let them down.
I know that the food banks tend to do ok around Thanksgiving and Christmas time, but the Summer and early autumn seasons are especially hard for them. The demand for food is high and the rate of donations is traditionally low. I am hoping to make things a little easier for the hungry people in the Lehigh Valley!
09/12/2008
There's some good news to report today. Not only have I lost another three pounds (yeah!), I also spoke with a Senior Manager of Public Relations at Weight Watchers International. There had been some e-mails sent back and forth that caught the eyes of some higher-ups at Weight Watchers, so they wanted to speak with me and set things straight.
They informed me that the original idea for their 'Lose For Good' program was a woman in one of their support groups in Seattle, WA. As it turns out, she had been recommending other people in the group start collecting food to make a sort of shrine for the lifestyle they were leaving behind. At the end of their respective diets, they donated the food to a local charity.
According to the Manager from Weight Watchers, this had been going on for a few years and it was the true inspiration for their new program. The person I spoke with sounded sincere and I have no reason to doubt that what she said was true. Anyway, it was never about getting credit or recognition to me. I just didn't want people to see what Weight Watchers was doing and think that I had stolen the idea from them.
I have a lot of goals for Donate My Weight and the most important one is helping as many people as I possibly can. I figured that if people thought I wasn't being genuine or sincere with what I was trying to do, they wouldn't want to help me or donate to the food banks on my behalf. I really hope people understand the difference between what I'm trying to do and what Weight Watchers is doing.
I guess I can't control what anyone else thinks, but I can continue to work as hard as I can and lose this weight. At the same time, I will keep trying to find new businesses and people to sponsor my weight loss. In the end, a whole lot of hungry people will be fed and that is awesome!
I can't wait to lose the next 9 lbs, so Wegmans will make their first donation to Second Harvest of the Lehigh Valley. It will be an incredible feeling to watch that tractor trailer pull up to the food bank and unload all that food!!!!!
09/10/2008
I had a rough time last night. I have been taking those little Xanax pills every night for awhile now, because I have been feeling anxious almost every night. My doctor gave me the prescription at the beginning of last year with the direction to take them as needed. I was able to get myself so that I didn't need them every night last year, but it looks like I'm back there now.
Part of it is the vertigo that I still feel, for whatever reason. I don't even remember how long it's been, but I know that if I tilt my head back, the whole world will spin. Keeping everything in mind, I decided to try and get myself back to only taking the Zoloft daily for my panic disorder and saving the Xanax for panic attacks. Last night, around 8pm, I realized I hadn't taken any Xanax and I was happy.
About 10 minutes later, I began to feel a little anxious and I decided to take the pill to avoid any problems with actual attacks. About 20 minutes later, I was walking with Andrea and I started to get all confused. About the point that she asked me what I was talking about, I realized I was in the beginning of a panic attack. It was very intense and I felt like I had to get out of here, like I was trapped and losing control of my mind. I remembered all my training and I kept my cool. After a few minutes everything stopped and I was left with a sharp anxiety feeling.
My doctor told me when an actual attack starts, I should take two Xanax tablets to stop it, but I've always been afraid of them. So I broke a second tablet in half and took that. The problem was, it didn't seem to help. The attacks would come back every 5-10 minutes and hit me super-strong. I would be able to stop them, but they'd just keep coming back. I started to get worried that they would never stop. Each time they came back, I would get hit with a feeling of sheer terror and the dread that these attacks weren't going to stop. Nothing seemed to be working, not the medicine nor my calming skills.
It took an hour and a half until I was able to calm down enough to fall asleep and even then, I was still feeling super-nervous. It was just a terrible thing and I don't understand how I can stop it. If there were isolated attacks that I could deal with and then move on, that would be one thing. But when they keep coming and coming, one right after the other, it takes everything out of me. I don't know how to handle that and I wonder how I can live the rest of my life with these attacks.
The big problem is that they come without warning, in a totally unpredictable way. They can hit me no matter what I'm doing or where I am and it gets to be a debilitating thing. After an attack, I feel exhausted and there's this sense of dread for future attacks. I just want to hide in my bedroom sometimes...
I had a really good conversation this morning with a gentleman at the VA clinic that helped me to feel a little better. Now, I have walked past this gentleman many times and never had a real conversation. Today, for whatever reason, he approached me and we started talking. The subject of my panic disorder came up almost immediately and that's when the talk took an interesting turn. He confessed that he has also suffered from anxiety and other issues since he was young. He took Zoloft at one point, then was switched to another drug that worked better for him. He also currently takes the same .25 Xanax pills that I take.
We shared our experiences with things and it was interesting to hear how someone else handled thing. What was especially funny about the conversation, was what he said at the end. Right before walking away, he mentioned that he used to think about how he could deal with it all when he was younger, but time went by and now he's 79 years old. Mind you, he had no idea what I was going through after last night, wondering how I was going to get through the rest of my life with these attacks.
The whole conversation reminded me of the 'God Winks' book that I have. The premise of the book is that god talks to us all the time in our lives, we just don't realize it. It explains that God uses all sorts of methods to get our attention or send us messages. 'God Winks' is filled with stories like mine from this morning. I highly recommend that book to anyone, it helps make sense out of our crazy world.
As for the weight loss, things seem to be going well. I am keeping to my diet and working hard, so I hope that there will be even more weight lost by Friday. Time will tell, but I have a good feeling! I can see that big Wegmans truck on the horizon!!!
09/08/2008
Proof positive! After spending a week on vacation and enjoying all sorts of good foods, I still lost 3 lbs!!! I expect that total to improve even more by the end of the week, as I drink lots of water. All that good food has sodium in it, which probably caused me to retain at least a couple lbs of water. I actually had a western omelet with egg beaters yesterday, as well. We went out to breakfast to celebrate my mother-in-law's birthday and that's what I ordered.
I confused a western omelet and a Spanish omelet, so I was surprised when it came with the ham. Even so, the calories weren't bad and I chose to eat it. I forgot that there was a ton of sodium in ham, plus restaurants tend to use a lot of salt in general. Anyway, I expect to also bring in a good number for my weight loss on Friday as well.
I'm very happy that even with the retained water, I was still able to lose 3 lbs. That's awesome and it feels really good. It also felt good to go to the gym and hit the weights again. While I was gone, more people donated food and when I took all the donated food from Gold's gym to the food bank, it totaled 40 lbs!
09/07/2008
Tomorrow is the day I see if my weight loss philosophy is right or wrong. I have said since the beginning, that it doesn't take a diet of only super-healthy, low calorie foods to lose weight. I believe that it is totally possible to enjoy potentially unhealthy foods every now and then, as long as you watch the portion size and calorie content. Losing weight seems to be based on one specific principle- you must consume less calories than you burn with your daily activities.
Eating foods high in saturated fat or following a diet that doesn't have a balance between carbohydrates, protein and fat is probably not the healthiest thing to do... but you can still lose weight. Personally, I try to balance my daily menus to keep things as healthy as possible. I am not only trying to lose weight, I'm trying to give myself a whole new lifestyle.
So we'll see how things go on the scale tomorrow. I'm really hoping for the best!
Yesterday, Andrea and I came home from Cape May and the trip was unbelievable. It was seriously the worst car trip of my life. We left Cape May during Tropical Storm Hanna, which meant I had to drive through torrential downpours and intense winds that were pushing the Jeep from side to side. It was especially freaky, because the windshield wipers couldn't clear the window fast enough and I could barely see in front of me.
Then we got to the Walt Whitman Bridge in Philadelphia and things took an awful turn for the worse. I had been dreading the bridge because of the low visibility and the heavy winds. It just kind of freaked me out. What I never anticipated, was my Jeep conking out on me.
Right as we began climbing the bridge, the engine stalled out. I was in the left lane, next to the guardrail, and there were cars all around me. It would have been impossible for me to pull over to the side, leaving us in a very dangerous spot on the bridge. I knew if we came to a stop, it would set the stage for a bad accident because of the low visibility.
All I could think to do was shift into neutral, turn the car off and try to restart it. Luckily, the car came back on. I was instantly aware that something was still wrong, because nothing happened when I pressed the gas pedal. When I pressed it to the floor, the car would only get to about 40 mph. There was also a weird warning light blinking on the dashboard.
I was able to get over the bridge and into Philadelphia, but every time I pressed the gas pedal, the car jerked like crazy and it still wouldn't go over 50 mph. We stopped in the parking lot of a store and I tried turning the car off completely and then starting it again. Nothing changed.
So there we were, stuck in Philadelphia with a bum Jeep (a 2007, I might add, that's already been in the shop for electrical problems 4 times). The tropical storm was blasting Philadelphia at full strength and my anxiety level was through the roof. That light kept flashing on the dash and I didn't know what to do.
I made the decision to do what I could to try and get back home to Allentown. The car kept jerking and shaking violently, but it was still somewhat drivable. I realized that when I pressed the gas pedal, there was a two to three second delay before the car reacted. Keeping that in mind, I jumped on the Northeast Extension and coaxed the car back to Allentown. It was a very scary trip because of the way the Jeep would shake, the fact that I couldn't go above 50 mph and the uncertainty of whether or not we'd make it. I later learned that the warning light meant there was a problem with the electronic throttle-control system.
Both Andrea and I prayed the whole time and we made it home safely. My anxiety level stayed through the roof all night and I ended up using two Xanax pills to prevent a full-blown panic attack. Even today, I've been very anxious and I had to take one of my Xanax pills to calm myself. No matter how hard I tried yesterday and today, my coping skills weren't able to bring me back down.
It's actually been bothering me a whole lot. I still don't understand why I am not able to control my panic attacks. I read about thousands of other people around the world who can do it, but here I am, still relying on my little Xanax pills. And I worry about becoming addicted to them. My doctor told me that at my very low dosage, I wouldn't get addicted. Even so, I still worry and after reading some of the internet sites about Xanax, it gets me nervous.
What if I never completely get rid of the attacks? What if I can't do it? It is technically possible for me to lose weight by dieting and exercising, but I have absolutely no control over the attacks. I can't seem to get that out of my mind. I do believe that I can limit them in the time they affect me with my coping skills and medicine, but I can't beat them completely. My doctor told me that if I wasn't afraid of having an attack, I wouldn't have one. But no matter how hard I try, I can't make them go away. I must be doing something wrong and I don't know how to change it.
God, I hope this weight loss works out. With no job, panic attacks continuing and a baby on the way, I'm really freaking out over here. I want to have a normal life and I want to do everything I can to make sure the kids and Andrea have a happy life. I'm just having a really hard time making it happen.
09/05/2008
Today is apparently the calm before the storm. Tropical Storm Hanna is forecast to hit Cape May tomorrow, bringing with it potentially powerful winds and flooding. Funny thing is, the weather this morning and afternoon was absolutely beautiful. Andrea and I spent much of the day lazing around the inn, just relaxing. She wasn't feeling too well today, so I did my walking alone.
In the afternoon, my stomach also began to hurt for whatever reason. It's probably because of the rich food I've been eating this week. Even though it all fit in my calorie restrictions, it was food that I wouldn't normally eat. Once I head back home tomorrow, I will go back to eating a healthy, well-balanced diet.
Hopefully, I will find that my little experiment here proved the point that it is possible to enjoy good food and still lose weight. The foods I ate throughout this week are not my normal food choices, but I have always said that the deciding factor is the amount of calories a person consumes. We'll see if I'm right or wrong on Monday, when I weigh myself at the VA.
I'd be completely lying if I told you I wasn't nervous. As confident as I am in my philosophy, there's a part of me that is screaming in my head, "What are you doing?!?!? What if you're wrong?!?!?!" No matter what that scale says, I will be leaving all my food choices in the blog. It can either be proof that it is possible to indulge in good foods if you watch your portions, or validation for the people who think I'm going about my diet the wrong way.
Sure, it would be super-embarrassing to gain weight and be proven wrong for the whole world to see. But sometimes it's important to take big risks like this. Putting my struggles on the internet for the whole world to see was a big risk in itself, but it's resulted in a huge win for the food banks. I have no regrets.
Friday's Calories
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Breakfast-
1. Two small servings of broccoli and cheddar strata / 280 calories
2. One bigger sausage link / 125 calories
Lunch-
1. A quart of wonton soup / 440 calories
Snack-
1. Five whole wheat crackers / 125 calories
Dinner-
1. Four ounces of a ribeye steak / 335 calories
2. Half a crabcake / 200 calories
3. A quarter cup of roasted potatoes / 50 calories
4. A quarter cup of steamed green beans / 30 calories
Total Calories Consumed- 1585 calories
Total Distance I Walked Today- 4.15 miles
09/04/2008
I've done a lot of thinking about this Weight Watcher's thing. As much as it hurts me to see them taking credit for my idea, it's never really been about any kind of fame or notoriety to me. It's just the principle of the thing. I told them my idea and asked for their help. They weren't interested and never even gave me the courtesy of a reply. Now, 9 months later, they're doing the same thing and claiming it to be their own creation.
It's frustrating to read a news article about how wonderful and innovative Weight Watchers is all of a sudden. At the same time, it's flattering to think that I could do something that would influence the actions of a huge organization that's been around for 40 years. Wow!
In the end, they're going to make a large donation that will feed a lot of hungry people. My goal has always been to use my situation to benefit others, to use my weight loss as a was to make sure hungry people had food to eat. So I look at the whole thing like this- let them take all the credit, just as long as they make that donation. Feeding the hungry is a lot more important than my pride.
To change the topic, Andrea and I enjoyed another wonderful meal tonight, courtesy of our friend, Jack Wright. Jack is the publisher of Exit Zero magazine and gave me my start in journalism. He allowed me to submit a historical article to him four years ago and after I did, he immediately offered me a spot with the magazine. I wrote for Exit Zero for almost a year, when my life took a very unexpected turn and I had to walk away.
After a two year hiatus, Jack welcomed me back to Exit Zero with open arms. He said he liked my passion for writing, saw potential in my work and took me under his wing. His advice and guidance has been invaluable to me and I will always appreciate his faith in my ability to tell a good story.
Anyway, I got a text message this afternoon from Jack, telling me that he wanted to treat Andrea and me to a nice dinner at The Ebbitt Room. It was a really nice gesture and I happily accepted. The Ebbitt Room is a super-fancy restaurant with an upscale menu and a master chef that puts out some amazing dishes. Andrea and I don't get the opportunity to eat at a place like that too often, so it was a real treat. That hanger steak was one of the best things I've ever eaten!
Thursday's Calories
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Breakfast-
1. A homemade carrot, spice and raison muffin / 150 calories
2. One hard-boiled egg / 70 calories
3. Half a sausage patty / 120 calories
4. Three ounces of fresh fruit / 40 calories
Lunch-
1. Four sea scallops / 100 calories
2. Half a puff pastry / 80 calories
Snack-
1. Three slices of pepperoni / 90 calories
2. Five small cubes of Swiss cheese / 120 calories
3. Four whole wheat crackers / 80 calories
Dinner-
1. One dinner roll / 110 calories
2. Sweet corn chowder with a lobster cake in the middle / 240 calories
3. Six ounces of marinated, grilled hanger steak / 220 calories
4. Four ounces of risotto / 180 calories
Total Calories Consumed- 1600 calories
Total Distance I Walked Today- 3.7 miles
9/03/2008
Andrea and I moved from the Bedford Inn to the Queen Victoria today, to switch from my work mode to a relaxation mode. To be completely honest, it was also super-relaxing at the Bedford too. Even though I was there to do research for my article, I had a fantastic time. The innkeepers/owners are a wonderful couple named Archie and Stephanie Kirk and we were treated like a part of their family.
The neat thing is, I watched them interact with the other couples at the inn and they treated them just as warmly. It was a really nice experience and we will be going back at Christmas time. The Queen Victoria is another of our favorite inns, which is why we picked it for our anniversary stay. The innkeepers/owners are Doug and Anna Marie McMain, who put their heart and soul into the inn. Plus, they're supporting me through Donate My Weight!
After Andrea and I checked in to the Queen Victoria, we unpacked our things and moved our car to the parking space. When we came back, we found a beautiful gift leaning against our pillow. They took a very nice print of the inn and surrounded it with matting, along with a tag noting it was our first anniversary. It's really nice and I will include a picture when I get home.
Tonight we had dinner at a very popular restaurant called The Washington Inn. It's kind of a fancy place, but this was our anniversary dinner and we wanted to do it right. I ate more than I normally would (even with splitting my meal in half for lunch tomorrow) and my daily calories are 300 higher than my regular 1500.
I'm a little bummed out, but it was a great experience and the food was outstanding. When it was time for dessert, they brought our dishes out with a candle in each one. The best part was that the words 'Happy Anniversary' were hand-written on the edge of the plate in chocolate. It's one of the neatest things I've ever seen and I wish I had a picture of it. Too bad we both left our camera phones at the inn.
I don't think the extra 300 calories will hurt me, especially with all the walking. I love taking those morning strolls along the promenade. There's nothing like the sight of the ocean, the sound of the waves crashing down and the salty air to start your day off right. I hope we will be able to move down here permanently one day. Only God know if that will ever happen and no matter how many times I ask, he just won't tell me. I guess time will tell...
Wednesday's Calories
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Breakfast-
1. A homemade blueberry muffin / 150 calories
2. Three ounces of eggs Florentine / 230 calories
3. Fresh melon and honeydew / 40 calories
Lunch-
1. An Egg Beater omelet / 90 calories
2. Two slices of whole wheat toast / 160 calories
3. Five ounces of home fried potatoes / 200 calories
Snack-
1. Three whole wheat crackers / 60 calories
Dinner-
1. Two dinner rolls / 220 calories
2. Salad with a light honey Dijon dressing / 60 calories
3. Half a crabcake / 200 calories
4. Three broiled scallops / 100 calories
5. Four ounces of mashed potatoes / 150 calories
6. Two ounces of green beans / 60 calories
7. A half cup of coconut sorbet / 170 calories
Total Calories Consumed- 1860 calories
Total Distance I Walked Today- 4.0 miles
09/02/2008
Today was nice and hot, so of course we decided to take a 3 mile walk. Blah. By the time we were done, I was all sweaty and sore. But at the same time, I'm really glad we did it. Sometimes I need a little extra push to get me up and moving around.
I've been kind of anxious today, but not as bad as before. I did get some sharp anxiety hitting me tonight, but I took my medicine and I feel ok again. It's crazy how much it affects me and I wish I didn't let it have such a huge impact on my life. I'm just having a really hard time with it right now.
My mom and my sister alerted me to something that kind of shocked me today. Apparently, Weight Watchers has taken my 'Donate My Weight' idea as their own. They renamed it 'Lose For Good' and of course, my name is nowhere to be found. They even used my '- and =' thing (see it here) on their logo, which they trademarked in July of 2008. Funny thing is, I also trademarked 'Donate My Weight'... in March of 2008.
It's frustrating, because I wrote them a letter in January, asking for their assistance and explaining my 'Donate My Weight' idea in detail. I really hoped for their assistance, because I believed that their participation could really help make a difference. I never received a response from Weight Watchers and now, 9 months later, they're doing the exact same thing. Considering that Weight Watchers has been around for over 40 years, it seems a little suspect that they're doing this now.
I really am very happy that they're going to donate, because it will help a whole lot of people. That's the most important thing and it shouldn't matter who gets credit for the idea. But there's a part of me that looks at 'Donate My Weight' as my baby and it feels like they stole it from me.
As promised, here are today's calories-
Tuesday's Calories
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Breakfast-
1. Two ounces of Blueberry Strata / 100 calories
2. Two small breakfast sausage links / 140 calories
3. A homemade peach granola muffin / 150 calories
4. Fresh fruit on a skewer / 40 calories
Lunch-
1. Half an order of veal marsala / 400 calories
2. Half of a plain baked potato / 85 calories
Snack-
1. Two small zucchini bars / 150 calories
Dinner-
1. Cut pieces of focaccia bread / 160 calories
2. Four sea scallops in light sauce / 150 calories
3. Half a small, plain baked potato / 70 calories
4. Two ounces of coleslaw / 100 calories
Total Calories Consumed- 1545 calories
Total Distance I Walked Today- 3.15 miles
09/01/2008
Greetings from Cape May! Andrea and I are down here, enjoying a week of relaxation. I realize it probably sounds silly that I'm on vacation, since I'm not working right now. The thing is, we scheduled a 3 night stay at the Queen Victoria B&B (and paid for much of it) a long time ago, to celebrate our first anniversary.
I'm also doing some research on a beautiful old inn called the Bedford, for an upcoming article in Exit Zero. I figured that since I was already down here, I could put the two together and avoid making a separate trip. It saves me money on gas and extends our time in Cape May, which is always a good thing. Between the Bedford and Queen Victoria, we'll be down in Cape May for 5 nights, staying at two of the resort's top B&B's! That rocks!!!
As I do every night, I just finished reviewing how I did on the diet today. While I was sitting here counting my calories, I came up with an idea that I want to try. Maybe it's a little crazy and maybe it will turn out to be a huge mistake, but here it is...
People are often surprised at some of the things I eat, because I don't necessarily stick to 'diet food.' My philosophy has always been that calories are calories and if I eat less than my body needs to function, then I will lose weight. It's the basic principle behind almost every successful diet and as crazy as it seems, it is totally possible to lose weight while eating delicious foods.
I'm going to try and prove it's true by doing something I've never done before. While I'm in Cape May this week, I'm going to make my food choices public and post everything here in my blog. I will enjoy good foods that would probably not be included on any traditional diet, but I'll be sensible about it and focus on portion control. I'll count calories like always and if I'm right, I will lose weight this week.
Since I'm away from home, I can't get to the gym and I won't be able to do traditional exercises. To compensate, I'll walk as much as I can and use www.mapmywalk.com to track how far I go. I'll also post that number on here after every day.
Remember, I came to Cape May weighing 360 lbs. I go home on Saturday and I'll weigh myself on Monday. This could either validate what I've been saying about diets or blow up in my face. I guess we'll see...
Monday's Calories
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Breakfast-
Skipped it because we drove to Cape May
Lunch-
1. A half-pound of steamed shrimp / 225 calories
2. One dinner roll with a little butter / 110 calories
3. A little salad with a small amount of ranch dressing (I finished Andrea's) / 75 calories
Snack-
1. Three homemade chocolate chip cookies / 180 calories
Dinner-
1. A cup of Manhattan clam chowder / 145 calories
2. One dinner roll with a little butter / 110 calories
3. Half an order of veal marsala / 400 calories
4. Half of a plain baked potato / 85 calories
5. A half-cup of corn / 60 calories
Total Calories Consumed- 1390 calories
Total Distance I Walked Today- 2.5 miles
08/31/2008
It's Labor Day today and I had a really great day! Andrea, her dad, the kids and I all went to Uncle Dave and Aunt Linda's house for their annual picnic. It was a terrific time and the food was sooooo good. Luckily, I didn't go overboard.
The coolest part of the day was when I shot basketball with Andrea's dad, Joe. It's been many years since I even held a basketball, let alone tried to shoot it. But it didn't go too badly and we all had a lot of fun. I made a critical mistake four or five times, though. I tried to run after the ball when it went off the court.
It's a force of habit and when I saw the ball rolling away, I ran after it without thinking. Each time that happened, I ended up flying onto the ground, out of control. For one thing, I'm still having the unsteadiness and vertigo, so I kept losing my balance whenever I moved too quickly. Even worse, I forgot that I weigh 360 lbs and I can't stop on a dime anymore.
So every time the ball rolled away and I ran after it, I picked up this great momentum and then I couldn't stop. Add to that the dizziness and I kept tumbling to the ground. It really had me frustrated for awhile, because I couldn't get myself to stop doing it. It's just a reflex to run after the ball. Anyone who's ever played basketball would react the same way and it's difficult to stop.
I did get over it though and I shot basketball some more with the kids. I think they enjoyed themselves and I was shocked to see little Alexandra hit 5 baskets in a row. Pretty amazing for a 7 year old who's never played basketball. There was another fantastic moment this evening when I felt a panic attack starting to come on and I was able to completely control it. I used my skills and it went right away. Then I took my medicine and was fine the rest of the night.
08/29/2008
Believe it or not, I'm still feeling all dizzy and getting the vertigo. It's been over 4 weeks and here I am, still dealing with this. There are days that it feels like it's getting better and then all of a sudden, blam, it's back. I don't get it. The vertigo feelings were really bad yesterday and again this morning. My head took an especially good spin this morning while I was on the phone with my mom. I put my head back and before I know it, I was on a merry-go-round.
It really gets me upset, because every time I get all dizzy or feel the vertigo, my anxiety kicks up hardcore. I have been using my Xanax pills nearly every day for the past couple weeks. I realize it's only a very small dose and all, but I worry about getting addicted to it. Xanax is supposed to be very addictive and even though my doctor told me it won't be a problem at my dosage, I still worry.
Some days I have to use two pills, one in the morning and one later in the day. Technically, my prescription says to take them twice a day, as needed for Xanax. There's also the fact that my doctor told me to use two pills when I have an attack, but it still worries me. I did get a little comfort when I read on the internet last night that most people use between 1 mg and 10 mg's daily (each pill I take is one quarter of one mg).
Anyway, my anxiety has been really kicked up for the past weeks and it's taking a big toll on me. Just like the vertigo, some days I feel good and others, I feel terrible. It seems like many of the past days have been the latter. Like last night, when I sat in my chair, contemplating how I was going to live the rest of my life like this. The anxiety felt like a heavy blanket over my mind, smothering me.
I'm pretty sure if I took the pills the way I was supposed to, the anxiety would be a little easier to handle. But again, I worry about the addictive nature of the medicine. No matter how many times my doctor tells me that it's not a concern, I still can't shake my worry.
In other news, I weighed myself today and I didn't lose a stinking pound. It stinks, if you ask me. I've been back on my diet the past week and I hit the gym, but still at only 100 lbs lost. Not even one little pound more. I've hit a huge plateau and it's making me crazy. There's a whole lot of people watching me and it seems like I was going so strong and then just fizzled out.
But I'm not going to quit and I'm not going to give up. I'll just keep working and eventually the weight has to come off. I have a big week coming up in Cape May with Andrea and I'll have to be on my best behavior. It can be a great experience, if I walk a whole lot and keep my calories in check.
Andrea and I planned the trip a year ago, to celebrate our first anniversary. I am also going to be doing some research for an upcoming article in Exit Zero. The city should be a little quieter since the summer season is over, so I will be able to take lots of walks. I just hope I feel better by then. I'm not real optimistic though.
08/27/2008
It's been a nice day so far, knock on wood. I returned to the gym and it felt great to be there. Everybody made me feel welcome and it was really cool. I hit the treadmill and worked my butt off for over 45 minutes, which was beautiful! Then I came home and found out the family wanted to go to the Allentown Fair again today, so I agreed to walk over with them.
We walked over to the fair last night too. It was lots of fun for everybody. We all won candy at Andrea's favorite fair attraction, the candy game. I gave mine to Alex and if I'm not mistaken, it's already gone. But it's ok, the kids don't eat candy often. It was a special treat for them.
I used my online walking distance thingee (Map My Walk) to figure out that we walked about a mile and a half on today's trip to the fair. It's a nice walk and good exercise, especially since I had already walked for 45 mins on the treadmill. I should sleep well tonight!
Yesterday was a very special day for Andrea and me. We finally told our family and friends that she's pregnant! Andrea and I have known for awhile, but decided to keep it quiet until we saw the baby's heartbeat. We hoped to avoid what we went through last year, when Andrea had that miscarriage and we had to tell everyone we lost the baby. It all went down exactly a year ago and her projected due date was very close to our current date.
So we had a doctor's appointment yesterday and Andrea was given an ultrasound. Not only did we get to see the baby, we got to hear the heartbeat! It totally blew me away, hearing that baby's heart and knowing that I was partially responsible for creating it was amazing. God-willing, everything will work out well this time and we will have a beautiful baby boy or girl!
I've had so many emotions flowing through me ever since I heard the news. I worry that I won't be a good enough daddy or that I will mistakes, which I imagine is probably normal. Then there's the fear that something will happen to Andrea or the baby and I am also extremely worried that I'm not working yet. At the same time, I'm so excited about the new edition to our family and it's hard to contain my enthusiasm.
The baby is due in April, which is extremely coincidental, because that's about the time I had hoped to end my Donate My Weight campaign. I originally wanted to lose all 230 lbs in 2008, but I faced some setbacks and I realized it just wasn't enough time to get it done. So, I projected that I would end the diet between March and April of 2009. Now, I will be finishing one phase of my life and starting a new one, all at the same time! I only wish my dad was around to be a part of this, he would have loved to see it all.
08/26/2008
I never got to the gym yesterday, because I got side-tracked at the VA Clinic. I mentioned the dog bite to one of the nurses and as soon as she heard the dog wasn't vaccinated, she insisted I be seen by a doctor. The same nurse rearranged her schedule to see me right then and there (nurses see you, then the doctor), which I really appreciated.
She also explained to me that they are required by law to report the incident to the Department of Health, so I had to fill out a questionnaire about what happened. The nurse went over the whole process with me and what could happen as a result of the bite. I just figured it wasn't a big deal because I didn't have some huge open wound. It turns out that if the skin is broken at all (I had 5 open sores from the bite) the dog's saliva can transmit diseases.
I had to wait an hour and a half until the doctor was available, but she was absolutely wonderful. Part of the reason for the long wait was because she was on the phone, trying to find out as much as she could about Department of Health procedures. She explained things in a little more detail and prescribed me antibiotics that I have to take for the next 10 days. She also set me up for a tetanus shot, which my friend, Joan, administered right away.
The doctor told me it wasn't up to her if I had to get the rabies shots or not, the department of health makes that call. The fact that the dog was never vaccinated for rabies might be the deciding factor. I really hope that doesn't happen, though. The rabies shots are not one or two, but a series of 20 separate shots! It gets better, because they are administered on different days, directly into the muscle!
That stupid dog! In other news, the diet seems to be going well and I am keeping my calories in check with no slip-ups. I had to knock on wood right after I wrote that, because I can be ridiculously superstitious sometimes. Well, technically, I knocked on my head. I know, I know, wood for a head, but it's a silly habit I picked up when I was a kid. I don't really know where it started.
08/25/2008
I'm back, baby! I was able to drop those two pounds again over the weekend, so the past three weeks that I've been sick aren't going to hurt me and I'm poised to start dropping those pounds again! My ear still feels a little stuffy, but the vertigo is much better and my belly has calmed down.
I have to take the medicine and use the ear drops for another week, then I should be 100% normal again. I will be happy about that because my anxiety level has been so high the past weeks and I'm using my Xanax pills almost every night. I had previously been able to get myself to a place where I only needed them once a week, if that, so the backslide in the anxiety was making me feel pretty terrible.
Last night I was at a birthday party for my nephew, Alexander, and the anxiety came on strong. I didn't expect it, because my brother and sister-in-law live in the house I grew up in, so it was a place I normally feel very comfortable. And it was a fun party with lots of laughter and good times, so my mood was high. Plus, with all the great food they had like the grilled burgers and the birthday cake from Wegmans, I was able to stick to my diet and I ate a Lean Cuisine meal.
Everything seemed to be going great and then pow- panic attack starting to come up. I took my medicine and sat down for awhile, using all the skills my doctor taught me to stay calm and control what I could. It all worked out and I held the attack at bay, but it made me feel bad that I can't seem to move on and beat the attacks.
I am normally ok with that and I understand that things could always be so much worse, but in the heat of the moment, I get depressed and feel sorry for myself. It's kind of similar to what I go through when I eat something I shouldn't and give in to temptation when I know I shouldn't. Immediately after I eat whatever it is, I feel like the biggest loser in the world and I beat myself up. Then I feel sorry for myself because I have such a problem with food.
It's not until the next day, that I realize that it's just a fact of life and millions of other people out there are going through the same things as me. I also remember that one setback isn't the end of the world and there's no reason to beat myself up. Too bad I can't remember all that when I'm feeling so badly.
I almost forgot to mention the real excitement of this weekend! I woke up this yesterday morning around 6am, because Andrea had gotten out of bed and I guess it distracted me from my sleep. As I lied there in bed, I heard all sorts of sirens and what sounded like a lot of people yelling outside. I remember thinking that it sounded close to us, but I was tired and I figured that I could check it out later.
Right about then, Andrea burst into the room and told me that Bill's house was on fire (Bill is our next door neighbor). To give you a little perspective, we live in the middle of Allentown and our house is the only one on our block that's not a connected row-type house. It looks kind of odd, because there are 4 connected homes on one side (including Bill's) and five or six on the other. But it seems that our house was built over 100 years ago and it's set back from the others, so we have a front yard where the houses sit on the other properties around us.
Anyway, I
walked out the door and there was smoke everywhere.
My neighbor, Bill, burst out of his door and came over to our property to see
what was happening. We later learned that the fire had started on the
other end of the homes
,
but began spreading through the roofs, which caused the smoke to pour out of all
4 homes. There were fire trucks all over the place and more firemen than I
had ever seen in one place.
When all was said and done, they were able to save two of the homes, which is a pretty amazing feat. I really believed that they would all be lost, but the Allentown FD fought one heck of a fight and they did a great job. They did have to cut ventilation holes into all the roofs of the buildings, to prevent the fire from spreading, but the majority of the damage was contained to the two homes on the end.
In the midst of everything was going on, I approached one of the neighbors to see if we could help with anything. I reached down to pet her golden retriever and like a flash, it bit me in the hand. It happened so fast and the dog managed to get the first three fingers of my left hand in its mouth, before I yanked my hand back. I thoroughly expected to see my fingers hanging off, but luckily for me, the dog is old and the teeth weren't that sharp.
It was more of a crushing thing, though the dog did break my skin in four or five spots. There's red lines down two of my fingers where I pulled them out of the dog's mouth, scraping against the dog's teeth. Since her house was on fire, I couldn't really make a big deal out of the bite, but it hurt like crazy. And to make matters worse, the dog has never had its shots.
So I'm not sure what to do with that, but I poured peroxide all over my hand and covered the openings with Neosporin. We'll see what happens, I guess.
08/22/2008
Today's been a rough day, I gained back 2 lbs over the past two weeks while I was sick. It's kind of de-motivating and feels pretty terrible, but it wasn't entirely unexpected. I am happy that I'm back on the diet and I will soon be able to exercise. Speaking of being sick, I spent the morning at the VA Clinic. The vertigo never went away completely and actually got a lot worse in the past few days.
My ear has also begun to ache pretty badly, which is why I went back to the clinic. I was seen by a different doctor this morning and he diagnosed me with an ear infection and an inflammation in my sinus. He explained that without antibiotics, it probably wouldn't have gone away on its own. He also told me the infection was causing my vertigo, which in turn, was making me so queasy all the time. I wish they would have realized that three weeks ago, but what can you do, you know?
Anyway, he prescribed me steroid ear drops with antibiotics right in them and told me to continue on the Claritin for the sinus issues. He said that I should be back to normal by Monday, which is awesome! The ear drops feel kind of funny, like there's water in my ear. I'm happy to feel it too, because it means they're in there and working their magic. Woo hoo!
I'm come to the conclusion that I made the right decision the other day with the guy yelling at me and I'm really glad there was no confrontation. It would have been such a silly thing and I'd have set a terrible example for the kids. The thing is, I didn't want a confrontation to begin with, I just didn't want to feel like I backed away because I was afraid. Being a guy can be so complicated sometimes, with all the macho nonsense.
So to sum everything up- I'm 2 lbs heavier, but on my way to feeling like myself again, looking forward to lifting some weights and feeling better about the kind of person that I am deep down inside. It's hard to walk away from a fight without feeling a little emasculated, but it was the right thing to do. I guess I'm not such a bad guy after all.
08/19/2008
Pictures from
the wedding are starting to come in and as proud as I am of my part in the
ceremony, I don't like the way I look at all. I think I look huge, just
like I did before I lost any of this weight. Here are a few of the shots-
Maybe this is the incentive I need to keep myself on track, as I come to this
difficult leg of the journey.
I am coming off three weeks of being sick (still feeling all dizzy and a little nauseous) and it's hard to get myself back into the groove of things. I weighed myself yesterday and I was a few pounds heavier than before, which really threw me. I'm not going to get myself all excited until my official weigh-in on Friday, but I'm worried about gaining a few pounds back.
It's not going to change anything I'm doing and it certainly won't cause me to give up on this challenge, but it would be a kick in the teeth. Oh well, I guess there's no use worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. Even if I show a pound or two heavier, I will keep working hard and I'll be in the negative again soon. I'm not going to stop until I see 230 lbs on the scale!
On a different note, I encountered some nastiness on my way back from the VA Clinic yesterday. I'm still not sure how to take it and I keep going over the whole thing in my head. The gist of it is this- I inadvertently cut in front of someone as I turned from a stop sign. I thought it was a 4-way stop and it wasn't, though his truck was well before the intersection and I had plenty of room.
The driver of the other car beeped the horn at me and I gave the customary wave, acknowledging I made a mistake. I thought that would be it, but I came to a stop light and I began to hear all this yelling and profanity coming from my open window. I looked in the rearview and saw the other driver acting all tough and yelling at me, basically challenging me.
I had both of my kids in the car with me and luckily, their windows were closed, so I don't think they heard anything. Throughout the entire red light, this guy kept yelling at me and making comments about me. Part of me wanted to yell back at him or to get out of my Jeep and go tell him to shut his mouth, while another part of me wanted to ignore the whole thing and hope it would go away. In the end, I tried to ignore it and drove away when the light turned green.
I realize that was the mature thing to do and it makes the most sense, considering the kids were in the car with me. The problem for me is that I can't figure out if I did what I did because I thought it was right or because I was afraid of a confrontation. There was a time when I would have jumped out of the car without a second though, anxious to prove how tough I was and settle the score. Now, it seems the fight is all gone and I don't know what to think about it.
I don't want to be an animal and I'm not some sort of tough guy, but I do want to feel like a man. I understand that the impetuousness of my youth is long gone and I have grown into a mature adult, but I still want to feel like I can take care of myself. I don't know why I drove away without a word, but it's just one more thing I need to work out.
08/17/2008
It sure has been a crazy weekend! I married my brother-in-law and his new wife on Friday, then we celebrated into the night. Everyone met up again on Saturday for a nice brunch, then spent the day talking and sharing stories. As the two of them headed home to prepare for their honeymoon cruise to the Bahamas, some unexpected drama unfolded at our home.
I'd rather not talk about the whole thing, but believe me when I say it through the household into an uproar. Things are just starting to calm down now and I'm looking forward to a good week. I just hope I do well on the scale and I hope this darn vertigo goes away.
I had a really good day yesterday and I thought I was getting better, but today was not so great. I woke up dizzy and stayed that way all day. The vertigo spells have died down, but if I turn my head in the wrong direction, it feels like I'm looking at the world through an aquarium. None of that really bothers me much, but it causes my anxiety level to go through the roof and that makes me extremely uncomfortable.
I get right to the point of a panic attack over and over, with my medicine bringing me back down. Sometimes the medicine doesn't work completely and though I don't have an attack, I feel like my mind is racing a mile a minute and I can't stop it. I hate that.
I do have some awesome news to report. My house is literally crammed with Mexican food (one of my weaknesses, next to Chinese food) and I managed to stay away from it all today. Andrea's brother's new in-laws came to PA for the wedding and hosted the Rehearsal Dinner at our house this past Wednesday. His new mother-in-law cooked a ton of authentic Mexican food and we got all the leftovers.