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Heaviest Weight 478 lbs Current Weight 432 lbs Total Lost 46 lbs Donations Received To Date $3,181,000 27,654 lbs of Food |
1/31/2010
It's 9:24am on January 31st and I feel miserable. I am in Cape May with my family, staying at a hotel with a heated pool and along with our room came free passes to their big breakfast buffet. There's everything on that smorgasbord from eggs Benedict to Texas French toast, fresh-baked biscuits with sausage gravy to cherry blintzes. All you can eat sausage, bacon, breakfast potatoes, pancakes, made-to-order omelets, pastries, creamed chipped beef, etc.
It was a dieter's worst nightmare and there was about 3 choices that wouldn't blow through my calories for the entire day and then a couple thousand more. My choices were bland oatmeal or scrambled eggs that made me gag to think about. Everyone around me was having multiple plates of that thick French toast with piles of bacon, stacks of pancakes and much more, while I just sat there with an empty plate. Why wouldn't they? They didn't have to worry about trying to lose 200+ lbs and they don't have to walk around in a body that feels like it's squeezing the life out of them, hurting like crazy every step they take and every time they try to climb a stair or get up from a seated position.
I finally had to get up and leave the table. It was brutal and I couldn't take it anymore. I used my Weight Watchers indulgence points between yesterday's breakfast and last night for dinner (meatloaf with French fries and New England clam chowder). In the month of January, I lost a total of 23 lbs and I'm not going to blow it now. Maybe later, though I hope it doesn't happen, but I'm not going to screw it up now.
I'm glad my family and everyone
else at the hotel's restaurant enjoyed the buffet, that's why it was there.
I can't blame them for my own past mistakes. My family tried to offer
my choices from the buffet that they though I could eat, but they don't
understand how hard it is for me. I don't think anyone really could
unless they've been in the situation.
That doesn't mean it won't hurt to sit there with an empty stomach, watching everyone else eat food that looks and smells incredible. It's times like this that I really hate myself for the choices that I've made. I know it's not healthy to feel that way and I know it's not politically correct to just blurt that out, but what can I say? I'm just being honest.
1/22/2009
Scale says I lost another 6 lbs, which is AWESOME! It's not been an easy road and I know I am going to have slip ups in the future, but this feels really good. I'm still worried that if I talk too much about the weight loss I will jinx myself or have to eat my words again (no pun intended). It was one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life to lose all that weight in such a public setting and then gain so much back in an equally public setting.
I sometimes wish I never started this all... But here I am and I'm still going strong. I guess I should be grateful for the 6 lbs and not read too much into the situation. Yay!
01/11/2009
What a great start to the week! Today was a weigh in for me and I have spent the last two days holding my breath, all kinds of worried. Being new to Weight Watchers, this past Saturday was my first 'indulgence', which is the Weight Watchers version of my old cheat days. The difference between the two is that I still count the points (their way of tracking calories/fat/fiber with one number) in everything I eat with. I have a certain number of points that I may use, as opposed to my old cheat days which I didn't log.
Their program allows you 35 points to either spread out throughout the week or use on one day. The latter is a better option for me, since it allows me to get into a groove throughout the week. Those 35 points roughly equate to 1750 calories, though I lose 50 calories from that total for every 12 grams of fat I eat. This past Saturday I went with my family to a local restaurant, the Brass Rail, for lunch. I had eaten scrambled egg whites for breakfast, which was great and it took some thought to remember my limits for lunch.
I chose one of my absolute favorites, New England clam chowder, with a small burger and side of fries. Then for dinner that night, I had some leftover chili from a batch I made earlier in the week. So I worried and waited. I remember those cheat days and the way I would always show up a couple pounds heavier on Monday from the water weight I gained with all the sodium-rich foods I ate. It wouldn't be until about the middle of the week until I was back to normal and showing progress again.
Figuring that my soup, burger and fries were probably high in sodium, I was concerned. One thing I forgot was to take into consideration that I ate a lot less that I would have on my old cheat days... then I stepped on the scale this morning.
Three more pounds lost over the weekend! Even though I used the Weight Watchers indulgence points, I still lost weight! Maybe those people that created the program know what they're talking about after all.
01/08/2009
Hi everyone! This is the end of the first week since I recommitted myself to losing weight and so far, I've lost 7 lbs. Rock on! It seems that 2010 might just turn out ok after all. After the last year, I was kind of worried.
I held off on writing anything in this blog for a week, because I wanted to focus on my weight loss and to be completely honest, I didn't want to jinx myself. I'm a bit superstitious. Even as I type this out now, I'm thinking that I should knock on wood somewhere. It strikes me that thinking along those lines is part of the problem I've been facing all along.
Anybody trying to better themselves by losing weight, quitting smoking or something like that has to realize that they are in control of their situation. I shouldn't be worried about jinxing myself, because the only mysterious force out there that might trip me up is me. Don't get me wrong. I believe strongly in God and the lessons I learned from the bible and from people in my life who have elucidated it for me. What I disagree with, is the idea that God or the Earth or any other force is out there controlling my life.
If I go for the jinxing idea, then I am not taking complete personal responsibility for what I'm doing. Whether I gain weight or lose all that I am hoping to lose, ultimately, it's going to be because of the choices I make. I don't always understand the reasons I make certain decisions or the underlying subconscious stuff involved, but it IS me making the decision and I have the power to lose this weight!
I mentioned last year that I was going to switch to the Weight Watchers diet and that's what I've done. Their point system is a lot like my system of counting calories, but it also takes fat and dietary fiber into consideration. I'm not saying it will work for everybody or trying to promote it, just saying it is working for me. I'm having success so far and I have lots of hope that I might just have found my groove... so wish me luck!
01/01/2009
Here we are again... beginning of a new year and the opportunity to start over.
