Ben's Blog (2008)

12/31/2008

It's 1am here and my tooth is killing me.  I took Advil around 11:30pm, but it doesn't seem to be helping much.  This really stinks.   I'm going to try and get some sleep, sitting up in my chair.  I'm also all kinds of nervous, thinking about this procedure tomorrow.  The pain is making it a little easier though, I need that to go away...

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Now it's 4am and I did get a little sleep, but the pain woke me up around 3:45am.  It's amazing that a little tooth can hurt so much, I never would have imagined.  I can honestly say that this ranks up there as one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.  The Advil helps a little, but it's still rough.  Plus, I'm stinking tired from not getting a whole lot of sleep in the past few days.

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but it is a throbbing pain that seems almost unbearable.  Then again, I don't have to be the one who will give birth to our baby in a few months, so maybe I'm getting off easy.  There's always a bright side to things, right?  And it will all be better soon, depending on how early they can get me in to the dentist today. 

They told me it will still hurt after they drill that hole and drain the bacteria from the abscess, but it will feel much better and a whole lot more manageable.  Once the antibiotics get the thing knocked out, the pain should go away altogether.  I'm seriously considering sending them a fruit basket or something if that's true.

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It's 5:30am and I just took some more Advil, so hopefully that will help out a little.  Those of you that know me well or have been reading my blogs from the beginning, know how much I really don't like medicine of any kind.  For me to be taking this Advil every 5 hours, you know it has to be pretty rough.  I also have an icepack on my jaw which helps a little.    Don't I look happy (and pale)?

I did think of something kind of cool as I sat here trying to sleep, though.  If all goes well at the dentist today, I will be starting 2009 pain free, vertigo free and ear infection free- ready to lose lots of weight again!  I don't have my final total yet for 2008, I will get that today when I go to the VA Clinic where my dentist's office is located.  No matter what the scale says, I know I made a huge improvement in my weight over this year and I look forward to doing even better in 2009. 

That will be fantastic!!!  Plus, my baby will be born in the end of March, beginning of April and my first book will be coming out in May.  There's a lot of good things going on in 2009 and I'm sure there will also be bad, but I have faith that the good will be more plentiful in the end.

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5:00pm and I just got home from the dentist.  My mouth is hurting so much, it feels like the pain is unbearable.  I don't understand, because the dental assistant said the root canal would make me feel much better, but I actually hurt more now.  It's like a stinging pain now, not like the throbbing of before.  The weird thing is, it feels like it hurts where I still feel some of the anesthesia.  It's really strong pain.

7:00pm and still in a lot of pain, but not near as bad as before.  Of course, I took 3 Advil Gel things too... but whatever.  That pain was something else and I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I tried a cold compress, but that seemed to hurt even more, especially where the Novocain was starting to wear off.  I don't completely understand that one.  When I look in the mirror, there are pockets in my gums that seem to be sticking out and white.  I'm thinking I may have bitten myself while my mouth was numb... 

Incidentally, I had no problem with the anesthesia  this time, though I was super nervous before it all started.  I took a little Xanax pill a half hour earlier and I think that helped.  Also, my dentist was great and she used less than before.  It began to wear off while they were finishing up, but it didn't completely go away until about 5 minutes ago.  I am able to use the cold compress now and it helps a little

The whole procedure seemed to go as planned, except that the infection was worse than they originally thought and it took an hour and a half to take care of it all. They pulled pieces of bloody stuff out of it, then injected some chemical and sucked it all out.  They did a couple rounds of that routine before she went in with some sort of little brush. Then, more chemicals and more suction.    Finally, she injected some anti-microbial medicine into my tooth and sealed it with a temporary filling.  The dental assistant told me later that they removed a lot of infected tissue.

I have to go back on January 23rd for a follow-up to have it checked and have the permanent filling added.  What an interesting ending to the year.  Here's hoping this whole mess will alleviate my vertigo, ear infections and the rest.  I guess time will tell, but for now-

Goodbye 2008! 

12/30/2008

I went to the dentist yesterday, after the pain had grown quite intense and I was beginning to feel generally bad all over with a fever and sore throat to boot.  The did some x-rays and tested my tooth.  It seems like the most pain is actually underneath the tooth, in my gum area.  On the x-ray, it showed a dark, rounded area under the tooth and the dentist said it was either an abscess or some physical deformity.  Judging by the pain, I'm going with an abscess...  Either way, she said there was a bacterial infection and it needed to be treated right away. 

Apparently, those can kill you if they're left untreated.  Who knew?  Could you imagine, trying to lose weight so I can be healthier and live longer, correcting the sleep apnea, checking my heart regularly and working to treat my panic disorder... only to be killed by a tooth that got infected.  That would be messed up.  Luckily, I'm not avoiding the issue and I have a great dentist at the VA who is helping me.

My dentist tested the tooth with this cold stuff and while there was a sharp pain from it, it wasn't severe and it went away when she took the cold stuff off it.  She also tapped it repeatedly with some metal thing.  I told her I could feel some pain, but it wasn't that bad when she did it.  They asked me if it hurt more when I laid down and I said, not that I noticed.

So, the dentist gave me antibiotics that I have to take for seven days and if the pain is still there, I will have to have a root canal and crown procedure.  Another appointment was scheduled for the end of January, but they said that after the antibiotics, if there is still pain, I should call them right away. 

This is about the point that I should mention I'm typing this at 2:30am, because I was woken up twice by the pain in my mouth.  Wouldn't you know it- apparently it DOES hurt more when I lay down... a whole lot more.  I got to sleep around midnight the first time, then woke up at 1am.  I gargled with Listerine and was able to fall asleep again, only to wake up a half hour later.  It literally felt as if my head is going to explode. 

The pain was intense, throbbing and really sharp.  I'm sort of nervous that I told my dentist it didn't hurt as much and it didn't get worse when I laid down.  The thing is, I downplayed the pain because I was trying to avoid getting a root canal, after my last experience with the Novocain.  The infection needed to be treated and I was happy about the Amoxicillin they gave me, but I was hoping I would come home and start taking it, then the pain would go away.  And I really didn't notice it hurting more when I was had my head down... until tonight.

Long story short, I'm sitting here in my chair and I took some aspirin, hoping the pain would get better enough for me to get some sleep.  I'm thinking the antibiotics probably just need some time to work, so I'll give it another day before I get really freaked out.  I'm also going to call the dentist and report the pain I am having tonight.  If I can't get back to sleep or if I feel like this in the morning (later in the morning), I'm going to need to get a note from them for my work anyway.

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It's 7:30am now and I was able to fall asleep around 3:30am.  Not the most restful sleep, but nonetheless, it was sleep.  I'm getting ready for work and hoping it's a light day.  We'll see, I guess...

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Now it's 7:40pm and I am still hurting like crazy.  I spoke with my dentist this afternoon and she went back and reviewed my x-rays from yesterday again.  She said that what they thought was a physical abnormality in my mouth yesterday, is really an abscess.  Apparently, it's filled with some sort of infected goo that's the source of my infection and the reason I am hurting so badly. 

It seems there was confusion yesterday, because the abscess showed up bigger on the x-ray than they expected and it was almost perfectly round on the bottom.  Long story short, I have a grape-sized abscess underneath the root of my tooth.  My dentist is going to bring me back in tomorrow and drill down through my tooth, suck out the infected fluid, then keep me on the antibiotics for a week or so to clear out the remaining infection.

That abscess has been there for awhile and I just learned it might be the reason I had all the ear infections and the vertigo symptoms.  It gets really infected and spreads around the body.  It could have gone up my sinus to infect my ear without my even having any tooth pain.  It would explain why I was having a constant dripping from my sinus and why the vertigo went away while I was on antibiotics, but came back after I stopped taking them.  

Anyway, it will stink to have to have that anesthesia in me again and I'm hoping I won't have the same problems as last time.  Even so, I am really glad to know the pain will be gone soon and I'll start feeling normal again.  I've been feeling under the weather for awhile and downright sick the past couple days.  I looks like I'll have another miserable night again tonight, but it will be over soon. 

12/28/2008

It's been a tough weekend for me, with Andrea down in Virginia, visiting her brother.  My anxiety level has been especially high and on top of that, my mouth is really hurting me.  It seems that the tooth they worked on a couple weeks ago is infected and possibly developing an abscess.  I probably should have had it taken care of last week, but my dentist is only open M-F from 8am to 3pm and I work during that time. 

Anyway, now it is a throbbing pain and it's accompanied by a fever and a headache.  Lovely.  It's always something, you know?  I'm not sure what I'm going to do, because like I said, my dentist is only open during my work hours and I've already had to miss one half-day because of my VA Compensation exams.  I don't want to cause any problems at this new job, so I'll just have to figure something out.

In other news, I spent most of the weekend working on the book and it's almost finished.  I have a number of edits and touch ups I want to finish and lots more stuff (pictures, programs, etc) to scan into my computer, but I should be good to go by this coming weekend.  I am also excited about my new scale, which should be delivered in the next few days.  It's a Health O Meter scale, which is really good and should last a long time.

What makes me so excited is the fact that I can weigh myself from home, whenever I want.  I won't have to depend on going to the VA to use their extra-big scale.  That's always embarrassing, because it's right in the middle of a busy hallway and as people walk by, they always look at the digital display.  Plus, I won't have to go through the hassle of weighing my clothes and then subtracting that number from the total.

12/25/2008

Merry Christmas!  It's been a great day so far and though it'd only 10:41am, I feel like it's late in the day.  Andrea and I didn't fall asleep until around 2am and the kids woke us up at 5:30am to see if Santa came.  Turned out that he did come and he left lots of goodies for the kids, which they absolutely enjoyed!   He also found the framed letter I got from Santa in 1980 and he left me a message .  Here's Andrea opening the special watch the kids picked out for her .

It's such a great thing to get the chance to relive my own Christmas memories by watching my kids and seeing the excitement in their eyes.  I always enjoyed Christmas but these kids make it extra special for me and now that I've experienced it, I couldn't imagine spending the day without them.  Look at this mug Alex bought me- .  That meant the world to me.

Tomorrow is the big day, I go back to Mr. Healthy Eating Man and I rock the house.  I got some money for Christmas in the form of a gift card, which I already used online to order a nice scale that I can use right here in my house.  No more having to go to the VA to weigh-in on their special scale, I can do it here after I get out of the shower.  That will give me a really accurate number without having to weigh my clothes first and then subtract the number from the scale like I've had to do.

I'm really excited to be back on top of this thing and I have a whole lot of faith that I will see this through!

12/23/2008

Remember that old 'Christmas is Coming' song?  I changed the lyrics a bit-

Christmas is coming, Ben is losing fat...

Please put donations in the food bank's hat.

If you haven't got a penny,

A pound of food will do...

If you haven't got a pound of food

Then God bless you!

I met with a doctor from the VA's disability group today about my Panic Attacks and how they've seemed to have gotten worse.  The doctor was wonderful and helped me a lot by just listening to me without judging and he acknowledged the things I was experiencing.  He's was really good and I appreciated it, because I always have a hard time talking about the panic attack in detail and describing it all from my perspective. 

He also administered some sort of test with 570+ questions and after I completed it, we went over the answers together.  I won't go into too much about my test results, but it reinforced everything the doctor had explained to me and what I've learned about my situation.  The test was really interesting, because it asked all sorts of abstract questions that seemed to be going in different directions, but the doctor explained later that it was meant to be that way. 

Apparently, it weeds out people who try to seem better or worse than they really are and it helps identify people's mental situation.  The doctor told me the test found I was honest and confirmed that I was dealing with heavy anxiety with some depression.  It also said I have strong confidence issues and I am especially unhappy with my appearance.  The funny thing is, I don't remember any questions along those lines and I don't know how it got that. 

It's right and all, I just don't know how the test figured it out.  The test also said I am a very passionate and intense person, prone to bouts of anger and frustration, but I tend to move on and get over both quickly.  It said I am very intelligent (I don't know about that one...) and that I think in a multidirectional way, rather than the traditional linear thinking.  I take everything in around me and am constantly processing it, making me hyper-sensitive to any changes or deviations from what I am used to seeing.

The test said I was a non-traditional male who is sensitive and tends to feel things stronger than others- happy, sad, angry, etc.  It also noted I feel self conscious about that and that it's a behavior that was formed long ago, when I was very young.  The test was something else and the results blew me away.  I was very happy to hear it also said that aside from the panic and minor depression, I had no other mental issues. 

I learned that I'm not 'crazy' by psychological standards and believe it or not, that was a huge load off my shoulders.  Doctor after doctor has told me that same thing, but I still wonder because the anxiety has a way of really messing with me.  They continually tell me, if I actually did have a serious mental illness, I wouldn't be aware of it.  I would consider it all normal and other people would be the ones who recognized it.  Anyway, it was just good to hear. 

The doctor thinks the panic attacks are a product of that way of thinking and whenever I find something that has changed, like an increase in my heart rate or an unexplained pain in my body somewhere, it causes my thinking to go into overdrive.  He was really good and for the very first time, he acknowledged that the panic attacks did start suddenly.  Previous doctors insinuated that the anxiety was always there and I might not have realized it.  But in reality, I felt fantastic before I began having the attacks and I was genuinely happy and comfortable with my life.

The way the doctor put it, something overseas while I was in the Navy caused a switch to flip in my head and the attacks began.  He said it would be difficult to pinpoint exactly what it was, but from my history and the way the attacks have manifested themselves, he believed it started abruptly.  He also noted that once that switch was flipped, it wasn't something I could just turn off.  It made me feel a little better to know that somebody understood what I was going through.

I've tried all sorts of medicines and therapies to deal with this and I still struggle daily.  He suggested different medicine and another type of therapy and wants me to talk with my new doctor about that when I see him in a month.  Unfortunately, the doctor today only works with the disability stuff.  He told me it is possible that I can gain a much better control over the attacks with different medicine, but I will probably need the medicine the rest of my life and I will still be that 'intense' person who feels things very strongly.

On the weight front, I ate foods I probably shouldn't, but tomorrow is Christmas Eve and then Christmas, so I am cutting myself a little slack.  Right after Christmas, it's back to the grindstone I go.  Come the new year, I will be hardcore into things like I was at the beginning of 2008.  Woo hoo!

12/20/2008

I didn't have the greatest day yesterday and I am hoping things go better today.  To start off with, I had an issue with panic attacks at work and though I fought it as best I could , it was pretty overwhelming.  I would squelch the feelings and then in a few minutes, they'd be back.  It just kept coming and coming to the point that I had no choice but to use my medicine.

And even then, I still felt bad most of the day.  I've actually been on a heightened anxiety level all week, fighting panic attacks most of the days.  I imagine it's because of going back to work, plus being in a training with really high expectations and then everything else mixed in with that, but it's been very hard to cope with and I am hoping things settle down soon.

I learned some other upsetting news after work when I stopped at Wegmans to pick up some bread.  While I was at the bakery, I ran into Bill, who is their service manager and has been working with me at the local level for Wegmans.  He let me know that they will be taking down the bulletin board that tracks my progress and removing the signs.  He said it's nothing to do with my progress or anything like that, it's because they're going to use the space for something else.

Bill was really nice about the whole thing and stressed that it wasn't because of my recent setbacks, but I have to believe that it was.  And I can understand where they're coming from, that scale hasn't moved in two months and maybe they're thinking that I am done.  I believe that at least some of them don't feel that I will be able to reach my goal and I can completely understand where they're coming from.  Were I in their shoes, I would probably be questioning the situation too. 

People try to lose weight all the time and fail.  It only seems logical to follow the percentages and count me out.  At the same time, I know myself and believe me when I say, I'm nowhere near done.  I am a very stubborn person and when I put my mind to something, I make it happen and in this case, I absolutely will force myself to hit this goal. 

Cheating and setbacks be damned, I am not giving up on myself and I am not giving up on all those people who will benefit from the food contributions.  In most everything else in my life, my confidence is shot and I have very little faith in myself, but not in this.  I made a commitment here to a whole lot of people and I will see that through.  Beyond that, there's so many other men and women out there who are going through the same thing I am and maybe this will help keep them going.

I told people all year, the person who wins in the end is not the one who doesn't have setbacks, but the one who never lets those setbacks stop him or her.  It's like that old saying- it doesn't matter how many times you fall down, as long as keep getting back up.  Success means getting up just one more time than you have fallen 

12/18/2008

Work is going well, I'm learning lots of new things in my training class.  It's a little overwhelming to look at all the stuff we'll be learning and realize that the training is a pass/fail course with a 50% graduation rate.  Even so, I will keep trying my best to pick up the info and I am hoping that I will do ok in the end.  It really helps that the people I work for are personable. 

My trainer is great and in the handful of times I've gotten to talk to her away from the class, she was really down to Earth and friendly.  That makes a huge difference in something like this because it feels as if I already have a friend in the company rooting for me to be successful.  I have a small training class of five other people who joined the company at the same time I did and it gets interesting at times, because we all have those 'type A' personalities.

I try to crack jokes here and there to lighten the mood (and because it's a coping thing for me when I feel really anxious), but I don't know how well that goes over.  Everybody's so focused on their own thing and sometimes they fall flat.  That's the worst too, when you tell a joke and then there's dead silence.  It becomes hard to tell if you're joking or just being smart-alecky and at least for me, that's the last thing I'm trying to do. 

And don't get me wrong, when I talk about joking, I don't mean interrupting the class or causing a commotion.  I'm talking about a little joke here and there when it fits in without taking away from the training.  Maybe I'll just keep quiet from here on and do my thing to avoid anybody getting the wrong idea. 

From our conversations, I know my trainer realizes I'm serious about training and the job, which is great, but I don't want to put anybody off that I will work with after training.  I have been getting really anxious at times in the training, but I will have to find another way to cope with that.   Jobs are a valuable commodity these days, something I learned in the year I spent unemployed and searching for one. 

In other news, Christmas is coming and the geese are getting fat... But I'm not!  I lost 2 lbs again!!!  I realize it's not a huge jump or anything, but it's a start and it gives me a little confidence before Christmas, when I will be eating lots of good food.  I am absolutely going to see this thing through and on January 1, I will recommit myself to the cause and do the same thing I did at the beginning of this year. 

With that resolve, my support system of friends and family, plus everybody out there backing me through Donate My Weight, how can I lose?!?

12/16/2008

It's the morning of my first day of work at the new job and I am ready to go!  I slept about five hours last night and it did me a world of good.  I woke up excited to be working again and looking forward to the new job.  I know that sounds like night and day between what I wrote last night, but it's the truth.

I guess it just goes to show how much that anxiety really effects me and how my thinking can change during an actual attack or the beginning of one.  No wonder I eat the way I do sometimes.  It makes me feel better in the short term and it takes away those feelings somewhat. That's not an excuse or anything, more of an explanation.  Now that I've identified a big part of it, I need to find something else to help calm me down.

Anyway, I'm going to give my new eating habits (I'm trying not to say 'diet' anymore) another shot today and I have faith that I will do well.  I don't know what it is, but from the time I woke up, I felt a lot better about myself and I have a little more confidence.  Maybe I had a dream that put things in perspective or something, though I can't remember it now. 

Oh well, I guess I'll just take it for what it's worth.  Today will be a good day and hopefully, this job will bring lots of good things.  

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DARN IT!!! It happened again!!!!!!!

I just got done watching the finale of 'The Biggest Loser' and I heard all about their 'pound for pound' pledge to donate one pound of food to Feeding America (the new name of America's Second Harvest) for every pound their contestants and fans lost.  Great idea, right?  Wonder where they got it from.....

I sent them a letter to 'The Biggest Loser' about the very same thing in the beginning of the year, and pleaded with them to consider doing this.  Of course, I never heard a response from them.  I also contacted America's Second Harvest and spoke with people in their corporate headquarters, who confirmed to me that nobody had approached them with this idea before.  I asked them to work with me to publicize the whole thing and they told me that for liability reasons, they would not be able to support me. 

I was contacted by someone in their public relations department who elaborated by saying that in the event something went wrong with my weight loss, they could not allow the national food bank to be responsible in any way.  They thanked me for what I'm doing and wished me well. 

Now, I sit in my chair and see my idea on 'The Biggest Loser' without even the hint of credit to Donate My Weight.  And it's not about me gaining fame of money.   I really don't care about any of that, I just want to help people.  On the other hand, I worked really hard at this and I would appreciate a little respect from someone taking my idea. 

I know that hungry people are getting fed and that's the most important thing, but it still drives me nuts! 

12/15/2008

I haven't written in my blog in a few days, because things have been pretty much the same.  I'm working to keep my eating in check and I am not being that successful.  I think it's directly related to the extra anxiety I have been feeling lately.  The idea of going back to work is scaring the heck out of me since it's been so long.

The company that hired me brought me on under a temporary status, which they do with most of their new people I'm told.  It's like a year probation period to make sure I can do the job well and if they need to get rid of me for any reason of if there are cutbacks, they can let me go with no unemployment or severance.  That's a little scary to me, especially with the economy the way it is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job and I will give it my very best, but I'm nervous about the whole thing.  I'm not a guy who handles change well and there's a lot of variables here, so it's got me very on-edge.  I don't mean to complain, I'm really happy to have a new job.  I'm just afraid I won't be good at it or that it will go away for one reason or another.  I think it's that whole 'need to be in control' thing and no matter how much I recognize it, I can't seem to get past it. 

I just went back and read what I wrote so far today and I can hardly recognize myself in my writing.  I used to be a confident guy who was generally happy with life and I took things in stride.  What happened to the guy who chose to be stationed in Spain without a second thought, the man who made the 16 hour trip between Rota, Spain and Nazareth, PA six times with a smile on his face each trip (I thought it as a fun, mini-adventure), or the guy who loved the excitement of working in Naval Intelligence?  I've never been the super-brave type, jumping out of airplanes and such, but I was the type of man who faced life head-on. 

I remember walking overnight security watches on the flight line in Spain, when the only worry was whether or not there was coffee on the quarterdeck.  Back in my high school days, my buddies and I did some really stupid, dangerous things for fun.  My gosh, I used to love to ski and I was almost killed in a freak accident one day.  It's a long story...  Point is, things didn't phase me and then on day, it all changed. 

I hate the fact that I have let the fear of panic attacks take over my life.  I can't even go on a short road trip or spend a night out on the town with my wife, without worrying I'll have an attack.  Even in my own bedroom, every couple nights I get this intense anxiety really suddenly and I know what's about to happen.  I try everything I can to try to prevent the attack or control it, sometimes I'm successful and sometimes I'm not.  Either way, every time it happens I get a little more afraid for the next time.  I hate that and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to move on.  So I eat...

12/11/2008

Yesterday was a rough day, in many senses of the word.  To start things off with, I received a call from a company that does background checks for the corporation that recently hired me and they needed me to verify some previous employment from four years ago.  After running around like crazy, I was able to dig up tax returns from 2004 and prove everything, but not before getting all kinds of anxious.

Then I had a dentist appointment.  Let me give a little background here.  I had a filling from my time in the Navy and it broke off about six months ago.   It was a painful experience and left a big hole in my tooth, so I knew I had to get it fixed.  I didn't have dental insurance, so I had to pay for it all out of my pocket and I went to my regular dentist.

As it turns out, he passed away and his practice was purchased by a new dentist, who made me go through a regular exam and new x-rays before he would help me.  That cost me over $200 and by the end of it, he told me he could fix my tooth, but it would require a root canal, crown, etc and it would all cost over $2,000.  To help with the cost he gave me a loan application.  Seriously. 

So I figured the heck with him and I would deal with it as long as I could.  Fast forward to the beginning of December, when I found out I qualify for dental care from the VA (Doh!).  I made an appointment for Dec 29th, to get a regular exam and set up something to have my tooth fixed.  It still hurt and I think it was really infected, but what could I do?

A few days ago, I was sitting in my chair and watching TV with Andrea when all of a sudden, another piece of my tooth fell out.  That increased the pain a bit and I immediately called the VA to see if they could get me in any sooner.  Well, they did and my appointment was yesterday. 

I went in there expecting them to take x-rays and do another preliminary visit, but I had no idea what was really going to happen.  The dentist met me at the door and checked my mouth out, then they took a bunch of x-rays and she told me she was going to fix it right then and there for me.  I was totally blown away and before I knew it, she was numbing my mouth and injecting two vials of Novocain.  I was wholly unprepared for the entire left side of my jaw area to go numb and stay numb for four hours, and it freaked me out a bit to be honest. 

Panic attacks are triggered for me sometimes when there is something out of the ordinary going on in my body and that numbness sent a red flag.  I found out later that they also use epinephrine in the Novocain because it's a vasoconstrictor and it allows the anesthesia to last longer while preventing a lot of bleeding.  The problem with that, is epinephrine is the medical word for adrenaline, the very thing that causes panic attacks. 

So basically, they injected me with the chemical that causes panic attacks and they used more than normal, according to the dentist.  She told me the tooth damage was bad and it went down below the gum line right next to the nerve, so they needed to be positive I was completely numbed so I wouldn't jump out of the chair while they were working to save the tooth. 

I was totally nervous about the procedure and super-anxious before the epinephrine, so I'm sure you can imagine what that did to me.  Nonetheless, I am very proud to say that I was able to prevent any panic attacks through the entire thing and I didn't need to take one of my pills!  Later in the night when I was at home, things were a little harder, but in that office I was great.  I did end up using a pill at home because the panic seemed to go crazy after the medicine wore off and I considered a second one (my doctor told me to take two in acute panic situations).

I hate to use two pills because the thought of getting addicted to those things scares me and there's a part of me that wants to fight it on my own, so I chose to go it on my own.  The one Xanax pill allowed me to have some control over things, but I still felt pretty rough most of the night.  Here's where it affects Donate My Weight- I ate some ribs and peanut butter cookies my wife made. 

I know, I know, I got upset and turned to food and that's the last thing I should be doing.  But you don't understand how bad those panic feelings can be and in the heat of the moment, a person will do just about anything to make them stop.   Since I will probably have these attacks for the rest of my life, which I hope isn't shortened too much by the constant wear on my heart from the adrenaline the attacks shoot through it, I need to find another way to deal with them.

So to sum everything up, I had a really crazy day yesterday and ended up getting my tooth completely fixed by an awesome VA dentist.  I went through some intense anxiety and panic, used my coping skills and medicine to make it through and things turned out ok.  I also cheated on my diet and I feel pretty bad about that.

Why did the beginning of this year go so well and then in the second half, everything went crazy?  Seriously- broken teeth that I couldn't afford to fix, five months of vertigo, multiple ear infections, stomach flu, nasty dog bite that almost forced me to get the rabies shots, etc.  The big guy upstairs sure does have a funny sense of humor.  Heck, I heard on the news today that even Oprah gained some of her weight back!

Hopefully, 2009 will go better and I can lose another 100 lbs or better, finally meet my goal of losing 230 lbs.    

12/09/2008

Good and bad news to report.  On the tough side, I am still dealing with constant anxiety these days, but my medicine seems to be helping a whole lot.  I have had to take it almost every night for the past two weeks, but it's done a good job of keeping away full-blown attacks (knock on wood).  I don't think people understand how bad it actually feels, even when a full attack is kept at bay.

There's some really tense minutes and it feels like the entire world is closing around me, just before the medicine kicks in and takes it away... until it comes back in 10 minutes and I go through the same thing again.  Eventually it does go away for the night, but not before it scares the heck out of me and makes things nice and miserable.  Even though I know what's going on, I feel so helpless at the time and there's always the nagging fear that 'maybe this time it won't go away.'  

On the other hand, it's been a momentous week for me.  First, I visited my doctor on Friday and he diagnosed me with an ear infection.  Remember that vertigo I've been dealing with since July?  It was caused by an infection that hasn't been properly treated until now.  My doctor gave me a prescription for simple Amoxicillin, a basic antibiotic.  Well it's five days later and my vertigo is almost completely gone!  I still feel a little woozy if I tilt my head all the way back, but the majority of the symptoms are gone.

It's been five long months of feeling queasy and uncomfortable, like I was walking around on a boat the whole time.  I'm so happy it's over!  And that's not the only terrible thing that's over as of now...

I received a call on Friday, asking me if I was available for an interview the next day.  I just about screamed, "Hell Yes!" but somehow managed to restrain myself and agree to the interview.  It turned out that the interview included multiple tests as well, for a total of six and a half hours.  I even missed part of my stepson's birthday to go through the process... but it was all worth it!

I received another call from the company this afternoon and they offered me a consultant job!  The company is a national corporation that seems to be doing well financially, so I am hoping that my new job will be secure. The one scary thing is that I am going to be hired on a temporary status (that's how they bring new people in), but it's a good job and I will do my best to turn it into something permanent.

Now I need to lose a few pounds this Friday and I'll be good to go!!!!

12/07/2008

A couple of days have passed since that scale beat me down and I've come to accept the situation.  There's no use in fighting something that I can't change to getting all upset about it.  The simple fact is that I gained some weight back and now I have to lose it again before I can start making progress again. 

So that's exactly what I will do.  I guarantee a loss this week, as I make myself stick to the diet.  It's really funny too, because I feel better when I am eating healthy on the diet and I feel better about myself.  You'd think I wouldn't have to make myself do something that has so many benefits, yet, here we are...

I am especially appreciative of those that have sent me kind messages of encouragement and I really appreciate your not giving up on me.  We will see that victory line together, I absolutely promise you.  I have made a commitment to meet that goal and I intend on keeping it.  Life is too much fun and when I am able to do more and experience more, it only gets better.

If there's anyone out there who is trying to lose weight and finding themselves in the same situation, please consider joining me as I face this setback head-on.  There's no reason we have to let obesity rule our lives for even one more moment.  We deserve more and those that love us, worry about us and depend on us do too. 

After I get through this and begin making progress again, I will prove to myself and everyone around me just how strong I really am.  One thing is for sure, this has already proven to be the hardest and yet, most rewarding thing I have ever done.

Another week, another opportunity for success!

12/02/2008

I am so ashamed of myself right now.  I weighed in this afternoon and saw exactly what my month of mistakes has done to my weight loss progress.  I gained back 19 lbs.  Seriously, I gained back 19 lbs.  It seems like the past few weeks I have been continually falling down and now that I see the result of those weeks, it's sickening.  I am physically sick to my stomach over this.

I debated keeping the whole thing to myself and trying to do what I could to work it off on the side.  But I just can't do that because it wouldn't be true to myself and it wouldn't be honest.  I said at the beginning of this campaign that I was going to work hard to lose the weight and win or lose, I was going to post the whole thing for the world to see.  No setback, no matter how bad it is, will cause me to go back on my word.

So here it is- I screwed up... royally.  I dove back into the waters of self-loathing and I ate myself out of the pain.  I realize I may have severed some people's trust in my ability to see this through and I know I've let others down, but this thing isn't over yet.  Don't count me out, I haven't.  No matter how bad I feel right now, I'm not quitting.  Oh, it's tempting.  Believe me, it's really tempting to shut this site down and resign myself to a live of pain and sadness until I die an early obesity-related death.  But I refuse to do it.

My family deserves better than that and so do I.  My wife is about to give birth in March and I have two stepchildren.  How can I give up on them?  Of course, this situation also begs the question of how I can let them all down by cheating so badly on my diet?  I guess I just never looked at it like that. 

I don't know what goes through my mind when I cheat on the diet and I don't know exactly why I do it, but I am going to do my best to find out.  Thanks to a wonderful person named Judy over at Wegmans corporate offices, I have some great resources I can use to help gain some understanding.  In the meantime, I'm going to bust my butt before the end of the year and try to lose as much as I can. 

Thank you to everyone who has supported me this far and I beg you to not give up on me.  I need your love and support, now more than ever.

11/30/2008

I'm back!  I'm on track again, eating the right amounts of more appropriate foods, ready to kick fat's butt!  I am a little nervous to find out what I gained back during my dark days the past few weeks, but on the other hand, I know I'll lose whatever it is.  It doesn't matter if I gained back a pound, 5 pounds or 10 pounds, it will all be gone at some point and I'll be back in black again (of course, I'd rather it be 1 pound though).

The weather here is freezing, much like it was on January 1st of this year when I first started the whole thing.  I guess that's appropriate though.  I'm feeling all kinds of anxious this morning for some reason, probably because I'm recommitting myself to the whole campaign.  I had the beginnings of a panic attack last night and took my medicine, which helped somewhat.  Then I had a terrible nightmare that woke me up around 2am.  I was able to get back to sleep, but I was all anxious again when I woke up this morning. 

I thought I was about to have a panic attack while I was in the shower, but I was able to talk myself down and that's a big plus for me.  Let's hope the rest of the day goes so well.  Even if it doesn't, I am committed to losing weight, so I'll just take my medicine and get through the attacks the best I can.  This is no time to give in to the panic!

While my family and I was celebrating Thanksgiving, I couldn't help think of next year and all the blessings it will bring our way.  I'll reach my weight loss goal (hopefully), Andrea will give birth to our baby girl or boy in March, my first book will be released, Andrea will nearly be done with college, etc.  There's a whole lot of possibilities and for the first time in a whole lot of years, I'm really excited about next year's prospects.

As for now, there's plenty of things to look forward to in the immediate future.  Christmas is coming and I love it.  This month of holidays truly is 'the most wonderful time of the year'.   Tomorrow we're getting our Christmas tree!!!!!!!

11/28/2008

Well, Thanksgiving is officially over and today we're doing Thanksgiving II with the kids and Andrea's parents.  We started the tradition last year so we could enjoy the holiday with all of our family.  The kids spend Thanksgiving with their dad, her parents spend it with her brother in Virginia and we spend it with my family, so today is a way for us to be together and have our own special day.

As you may have guessed, there will be all sorts of good foods again and it will be a non-diet day.  It only happens once a year, so I figure it will be ok.  I'll just have to work myself that much harder when I'm back in the losing weight mode. 

Yesterday was a great day of fun with my side of the family.  I grew up spending every holiday with my family at a different relatives house, except Christmas, when everyone came to our house.  We have celebrated Thanksgiving at my Aunt and Uncle's farm for many years and it's the perfect setting.  There's lots of trees surrounding the whole farm, empty fields where the kids can play, greenhouses that have really pretty plants even in the icy cold of November, and a couple ponds to round out the whole thing. 

It's a beautiful place and every couple years, I take a walk around the farm to relax after dinner.  It's very peaceful to walk down by the ponds and then up along the trees and back to the house.  This year I opted to play with the kids in the warm house (it was way cold outside).  The farm is such an appropriate place to celebrate the holiday too, considering Thanksgiving's origins.  I have great memories from all those Thanksgivings we've spent together.  Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have lived the life that I did.

God willing, there will be many more great days ahead!    

11/26/2008

Thanksgiving is tomorrow... yay!  Then after that, I become Mr. Hardcore on the diet again!!!  The great thing for me is that I know I will jump back on the diet after Thanksgiving.  That means I can have a wonderful day tomorrow and not feel bad about myself for it. 

I've really been using the past few weeks to think seriously about what Dr. Chaudhry (My VA Panic Disorder doctor) talked to me about with regard to the diet.  She helped me see that I've been sabotaging my efforts out of fear of success, because for some reason in my mind, I was equating my success on the diet with a whole lot of extra anxiety and more panic attacks.

Apparently, I was trying to protect myself from further panic attacks by preventing myself from hitting the halfway benchmark.  It was really neat the way she helped me figure it out, because she basically had me talking and by asking me questions and having me respond without thinking, I blurted it all out on my own.  

I said that I was afraid of the exposure that success on this campaign would bring me, because I get really anxious when I'm out of my comfort zone.  I said I was scared that being successful on this diet meant I would have to travel all over and go on tv shows, which really freaks me out.  I noted that I felt like I had to lose the weight anymore and I didn't have a choice, which is a huge trigger for panic- the perceived loss of control.

I talked about feeling like I had to lose the weight because I didn't want to let anybody down.   We talked for an hour and I went on and on about my fears, talking directly from the heart.  I heard a lot of things coming out of my mouth that I didn't even realize I was thinking.  It was a huge eye opener to know what I was really feeling, deep down inside me.   Dr. Chaudhry is pretty awesome!

For those out there who are worried I have thrown in the towel or fallen down to the point I can't get back up, believe me when I say, "You haven't seen anything yet!"  (though please remember, it may take me a week or two to drop any weight I may have gained over this week)

11/24/2008

What a crappy week I'm having...  Andrea and the kids are out of town for a couple days, visiting with her brother and his wife who are having a baby.  I stayed home to work on my book and get as much as I could done without everyone here.  The thing is, I also cheated on my diet like crazy because I kept rationalizing it out. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid!  I have said it all to myself over and over again, believe me.  I am mentally beating myself to a pulp and I don't think that is helping anything either.  Hopefully, I will be able to look back at all this in a year and smile. 

11/21/2008

Yeah.  I have to be completely honest and note that after I wrote that last post, I immediately walked over to Wawa and got myself something to eat.  It seems like the worse I feel, the easier it is for me to forget everything I'm trying to do and give in to temptation.  I don't know how food became such an emotional crutch for me, but I really need to find a way to change that.

As I've basically proven, no matter how much progress I make in the weight loss, if I don't fix the underlying problems, I will end up right back where I started.  I'm just thankful I am able to recognize that now, before I start gaining all this weight back.  I realize I did gain a pound back this week, but it really could have been a whole lot worse. 

I can't imagine going back to the way things used to be for me at 450 pounds and I hope I never experience it again.  I was absolutely miserable and it took a lot of the joy out of the lives of those around me.  The last people in the world I would ever want to hurt were the very people who suffered the most.  God no, I don't ever want to go back to that.

This next week is going to be difficult for me, but I need to stay focused and do my very best.  Andrea has been great to me and I know how much it hurts her to see me having problems and not be able to help me.  She has told me it's a very helpless feeling and I can only imagine how hard this must be for her.  I'm going to keep fighting myself and doing what I can to make sure I don't let her or anyone else down. 

11/18/2008

This has not been a great week for the diet.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but I am having a terrible time controlling my cravings and sticking to my plan.  I think a lot of it is knowing that Thanksgiving is next week and I will eats lots of food then, so I am somehow rationalizing that it's ok to eat now. 

It's so embarrassing to admit this, but I am really screwing up.  I know it won't be a permanent thing and I know I'll get back on track, but it's really hard to justify this all to myself.  I had the opportunity to be losing weight this entire time and I squandered it because I couldn't say no to food.  That's pathetic and right about now, I feel pathetic.

11/16/2008

Andrea and I just got back from another trip to Cape May this afternoon and guess what?  I ate things I shouldn't have eaten yet again.  At least this time, the food was excellent and not some garbage I picked up at a convenience store.  Instead of donuts, I had bayberry wings and a crabcake sandwich.  That really matters in the grand scheme of things, right?

We stayed at one of the oldest hotels in the city, the Carroll Villa, and it was really nice.  Everyone was very friendly, which probably stems from the owner, Mark Kulkowitz.  He's one of those people who loves life and who's enthusiasm rubs off on the people around him.  As I interviewed him for the magazine, I was struck by how often he digressed from his own story to tell me something complimentary about a member of his staff.

Mark had good things to say about everyone around him and in all of our conversations, I didn't hear one negative comment about anything.  And it's not like we didn't discuss the hard times or tough situations, we did.  Somehow, he continually found a way to highlight the positive and make things sound like they weren't so bad.  He really tried to make sure that I knew how important the people in his life were to him.

We sat at the bar in his restaurant (the Carroll Villa has an award-winning restaurant on the first floor) and shot the breeze for a couple hours on Friday night.  It was really interesting too, because Mark is a character in that fun, whimsical kind of way.  Let me give you an example- there was a musician in the bar on Friday, playing acoustic guitar and singing.  At one point, it sounded like he was going to play the 'Fly Eagles, Fly' song that the Philadelphia Eagles fans like and Mark yelled across the bar to him.  He told the musician if that was the song he was planning to play, he could take his guitar and go home.

See, Mark is a Giants fan and everyone around him knows that, so they like to razz him about it.  He told me how another of his employees likes to call him whenever the Giants are losing and pretend that he's hadn't seen the score.  Apparently, the first couple times he did it, Mark was halfway through recounting how his beloved team was losing before he realized the joke. 

Mark shared many stories about his 30+ years at the Carroll Villa and about life in general.  He made a big impression on me and it was a pleasure talking with him.  I had been so frustrated about this stupid diet and my lack of success recently and after this weekend, I'm feeling a lot better.  I still don't like seeing all that weight in the mirror, but I don't feel so bad about myself because of it.

11/14/2008

Well, I did it again.  I weighed in today and I gained two pounds.  This is one of the most irritating things I've ever dealt with.  The worst part is, it's totally my fault.  It has been weeks since I kept to the diet 100% and exercised every day.  I am always finding reasons to skip the exercise or eat one small piece of something I shouldn't eat.  Then one turns into two and a day turns into a week.  It all happens so quickly...

I'm still not giving up (I never will) but it IS very frustrating.  None of it makes sense to me because I genuinely do want to lose this weight, but I keep sabotaging myself.  The casual observer might see what I'm doing and think that I don't care that much or I'm not really trying.  Neither could be further from the truth and yet, here I am.

Compounding matters is the fact that next week is Thanksgiving, a cheat day, and I know I will eat lots of stuff I shouldn't.  It would make sense to me to eat very sensibly this week in anticipation of the day, to offset any damage to the diet I might do.  We'll see if common sense prevails or if my stupid urges kick in. 

Sometimes I really feel like a miserable failure at this.  Yeah, I lost 105-103 lbs (depending on the week).  But I can't seem to lose any more weight and I still have the same problems I did in the beginning.  I made a big promise to all those people at the food banks and I keep shooting myself in the foot right when it looks like I will deliver. 

In addition, I made a promise to my friends and family, on which I am also failing to deliver.  I told them that I would lose this weight and live a healthier life.  I vowed to beat the whole food situation like I did with alcohol and smoking.  I made a lot of promises I sincerely hope I can keep.  It's not like I don't realize how high the stakes are, I certainly do.  I just keep eating...

11/12/2008

Ugh.  This diet is either going to make me or break me.  I swear, if I eat one more turkey sandwich or egg beater omelet, I'm going to explode.  Seriously, why is turkey so healthy?  Why can't cheeseburgers or French fries be healthy?  Why can't Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and cream-filled donuts be diet food?  Oh no...  Thanksgiving is in a few weeks and that means more turkey.  Wonderful.  Pretty soon I'm going to grow a beak and big feathers.

If I was having great success at my weigh-ins, I probably wouldn't be so frustrated.  It just kills me that I can do well all day, eat one bad thing and the whole day's progress is gone.  The devil invented diets, I'm sure of it.  I bet he came up with the diet idea right after he got done creating wedgies. 

11/10/2008

I did yet another stupid thing.  I kept to my diet all day and did really well, then blew it tonight.  Seriously, I had egg beaters for breakfast, vegetable spring rolls for lunch and roasted chicken for dinner with a baked potato and steamed broccoli.  It was great and I did a really good job... then I ate 5 cookies and ice cream with chocolate peanut butter sauce.  What the hell?

I don't know why I do this to myself, I just don't get it.  I want to lose this weight more than anything else in the world and I can't seem to stay away from foods I should be avoiding.  It's like there's two parts to me, the one that wants desperately to lose weight and be successful and the other part, who's afraid of any changes and actively works to stop me from evolving.  Maybe that sounds a little nuts, it does seem to be as I read it back.

It's not like I have multiple personalities or anything, I just have a huge monkey on my back and it's been hard to get past it.  Even so, tomorrow I will start again and do the very best I can.  This battle is not going to be won in a day, a week or even a year.  It's a life-long thing and I need to keep my eyes on the prize- a 230 lb Ben!

In other news, my thighs are killing me.  I did something amazing (at least for me)!  While we were sitting in rocking chairs on the porch of the Fairthorne yesterday morning, I turned to Andrea and said, 'Why don't we go climb the lighthouse?'  That's right, I figured it was time to see how far I've come with both my weight loss/ physical fitness and with my panic disorder.  I had previously been leery of the lighthouse because ever since I started having panic attacks, I've had problems with heights and I was easily claustrophobic. 

I also worried that I was too big for the steps and if someone wanted to go the other way, they wouldn't be able to get around me.  There's a lot of shame an embarrassment that goes along with that one.  Regardless, I made the challenge and I decided to test myself with the iconic Cape May lighthouse.  I figured that its 199 steps and tight, narrow spaces would really see what I was made of. 

Well, guess what?  I did it!  I trekked all the way to the top and I even stuck around to take some pictures!  Andrea was sweet enough to take some shots of me climbing the steps and I posted them on my 'Progress Pictures' page.  Make sure to check them out, there's  link at the bottom of this page.

Tomorrow is another day and I will focus on what I need to do.  This diet is very important and you can believe that I will give it all I've got to give.  Never surrender, right? 

11/09/2008

Another great weekend for us on the old Cape Island.  This time we stayed at a wonderful inn called the Fairthorne and our hosts, Ed and Diane Hutchinson, made it a wonderful visit.  We enjoyed lots of conversations through the trip and both Andrea and I loved their personal approach to things.  Diane and I conversed in the mornings as she prepared breakfast and Ed came out on the porch to talk with Andrea as she was crocheting while I was over at the historical society. 

They went out of their way to make me a healthy breakfast with egg white omelets and lots of fresh fruit- including fresh pineapple!  How ironic is that, I was just talking about it in my blog on Friday?  It was a tasty surprise and well appreciated.  Friday night we ended up having dinner with our friends Archie and Stephanie Kirk, who own the Bedford Inn in Cape May.  We went to one of my favorite restaurants down here, Lucky Bones, and I had some great soup with a nice salad.

Truth be told, I was hungry an hour and a half later, but I felt good that I controlled myself from eating their famous 'Lil's Last Stop Fries'.  Imagine a plate of steaming hot, freshly-cut French fries that are covered with all kinds of melted cheese, bacon and diced jalapeños.  Add a little ranch dipping sauce to that mix and you know what I was passing up.  Yeah me!

I spent much of yesterday in interviews for my articles and the book, but it was well worth it.  I spoke to a gentleman at the Cape May Historical Society that grew up on the island and was able to trace his ancestors back in the city to the early 1800's.  He was very knowledgeable about things and I especially appreciated how willing he was to share his information and resources with me.  I also stopped at the corporate offices of Exit Zero (sounds very official, right) and met with my publisher, Jack Wright. 

I'm very excited about this upcoming book on Cape May, I think there's a ton of possibility and we've already gotten some unbelievable pictures and other materials that I'll include.  I think people will enjoy the book and if all goes well, I am hoping it will become a valuable resource for future generations to track this National Historic Landmark city's storied past. 

I also got in a good amount of walking this weekend, though the pouring rain yesterday made it not so fun and shortened my walks.  Had it been nicer, I would have strolled up and down the promenade to catch some additional exercise.  It turns out that I may be back here next weekend to meet with a few people about the book, so if the weather is nice, I will be able to get those walks in then.  I love the type of exercise I can do like walking or push ups, where I use my own body weight to help me get in shape. 

In other news, I am beginning a huge food drive that I sincerely hope will catch hold all over America, with the goal of securing tons of donations for the food banks before the holidays.  I call it 'American Hunger Hero' with the inspiration coming from my local Second Harvest of the Lehigh Valley and the premise is that I am asking people to donate either $10 or 10 pounds of food to their local food bank.  Economic times are tough, but most of us can swing $10 and all those donations will definitely add up.  Consider that for every $10, the food bank can actually distribute up to 200 pounds of food to hungry people.

I figured that now the election is over, maybe we can use the same type of grassroots efforts the politicians did, to get the word out.  Instead of electing a certain candidate, we'll be feeding countless people and I think that's fantastic.  I'm asking people on both sides of the political aisles to make that $10 or 10 pound donation and God willing, they will choose to do it. 

Imagine how incredible it would be if a thousand people made that donation and helped the food bank. That's either 10,000 pounds of food or $10,000 going to food banks.  Can you imagine how good it would feel to know you helped food banks distribute 200,000 pounds of food to those who do desperately need it?  Supplies are running low at food banks all over the world because of the current economic climate, but we have the opportunity to turn that around.  This American Hunger Hero push is all about volume and in order for it to be successful, we will need a lot of support.   

11/07/2008

Oh happy day, I lost 2 lbs!  I'm back on my way and I'm especially excited because I made some bad eating choices this week.  Even so, I quite literally walked my butt off and for the most part, I really did eat healthier.  I have been trying to incorporate more fruit and vegetables into my diet because I think it's just the better way of doing things and I have grown to enjoy the taste.  Well, I enjoy the taste of some...

Lima beans still make me gag, spinach is not something I enjoy and asparagus turns my stomach.  On the other hand, I love broccoli, cauliflower, salad, green beans, peas, etc.  Fruit-wise, I'm a pretty basic guy and I love watermelon, strawberries and pineapple.  Since all three are out of season, I've been eating a whole lot of apples lately and I do enjoy them as well.  Oranges are also great and I like them, but their a pain the butt to prepare.  I'm a lazy fruit eater, hand me a banana and I'm good to go.

Andrea and I are heading back down to Cape May this weekend to do research on another article and to do some preliminary work for my upcoming book on Cape May's 400th anniversary.  I probably write about the town a whole lot in this blog, but it's only because I love it so much.  The island's become my second home over the years.

Next week, Andrea has her ultrasound appointment and though we have decided not to find out the sex of the baby, we are both extremely excited to see the little guy or girl.  The whole process is such a huge deal and I hate to throw the 'miracle' word around, but it really is amazing.  To think that there's a little baby in her baby and then feel it kick my hand, it's amazing.  I still have a hard time comprehending the whole thing.

11/5/2008

Last night and today haven't been so great, ever since I made my new plans clear and let people know what I was hoping to achieve.  There's been no cheating or mistakes with the diet, but I think it's safe to say my self-esteem and confidence level has hit an all-time low.  I had a conversation last night with someone I thought was one of my biggest supporters and it turned really negative.  Without going into the details, I will say that I walked away feeling hurt and disappointed, instead of angry.

I am not always easy to be friends with and I realize that.  I can be moody and down on myself, especially now while I'm struggling with the hardest thing I've ever had to face.  I know that I have a tendency to be brutally honest with people, sometimes more than is appropriate.   I understand that people don't like that and there's moments when my opinion would be better kept to myself.  But at the same time, I am honest with people and I feel like I deserve that same honesty in return.

I don't claim to be a perfect person, God knows I'm far from it.  But I do try my best to help other people when I can and make life a little easier for the people around me.  I have busted my butt on this diet and exercise routine, forcing myself to keep going when I would have much rather quit.  For anyone who actually knows me to think I'm trying to take the easy way out or making excuses to avoid the necessary work is a slap in the face.  There's days that I would give just about anything to stay in bed and hide, but I don't do it and I never have.

Even with the worst panic attacks I faced or the deepest depression I have felt, I always got up the next day and tried to do my best to keep going.  I'll never forget the day after my dad died, when I woke up in his chair that I had fallen asleep in the night before.  For a few moments between wake and sleep, I wasn't sure if it was all a nightmare.  As I came to realize the truth and felt all that pain come back to me, I made myself get up and go downstairs with the rest of the family.  I have never run away from my life and I have never given in to depression or panic disorder.

Everyone has their demons and I certainly have mine, which are all to public, thanks to this campaign.  And I'm fine with that because I am a real person who makes mistakes on a regular basis.  That's the way live goes sometimes.  In my 33 years, I have faced some horrible situations and seen things that would scar even the strongest of people.  I have been forced to deal with things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  But that's life, we all have our challenges and many of mine are a product of the choices I have made. 

I don't want pity and I don't want any sadness over my current situation, all I want is the opportunity to prove that I am still strong enough to back up my word.  I said in the beginning of this year that I would lose 230 lbs and by God, I will.  There is no uncertainty, no trepidation.  It's going to happen and all that food/money I promised the food banks will be donated. 

What was said to me last night hurts and probably will hurt me for a long time, but it doesn't change my resolve.  Rest assured, I am going to meet this challenge and kick it into the ground!

11/04/2008

I just saw my possible future and it's grim.  Andrea had a television program on called 'Half Ton Man' and it hit me in a profound way.  The program details a man named Patrick Deuel, who was considered the world's heaviest man.  He weighed over 1,000 lbs and had to be rescued from his house by a medic team, a crane and a specially built ambulance.  He was unable to fit though the doorways or windows, so they were forced to cut an entire wall off of his home to get him out. 

When she put it on the TV, I suspected she was trying to get my attention and subtly push me into getting this thing back under control.  I was actually a little frustrated and I didn't want to see it.  I know I am screwing up and I know how important it is for me to lose this weight, but at the same time, I don't think anyone understands how powerful the urge to eat is for me.  It's an addiction.  I have this intense need to eat until I'm full and then when I do, I hate myself for it.  The sadness eventually wanes and then those urges return. 

So, I didn't intend to watch the show but I ended up being compelled by the story.  Every time they showed that man, he was laying on his belly because if he rolled over onto his back, the weight would literally crush him to death.  I looked in his eyes and I could see the pain and the sheer misery.  I recognized it because I've seen it before, in the mirror.  His agony and shame are feelings I know all too well. 

I didn't weigh in anywhere near his magic number, but I felt that pain and I still do at times.  I feel it all too much. 

Maybe this was the wake-up call I needed, the kick in the pants that I thoroughly deserved.  I could become that man very easily and it's one heck of a scary thought.  Maybe I wouldn't even live long enough to get that big.   The program is still on the TV and I just heard a man talking about the addiction aspect of overeating.  He made a very profound statement, "How successful would a heroin addict be, if he had to have a little heroin every day?" 

I'm not trying to make excuses or whine about my situation, I blame nobody but myself.  I'm fat.  I am, it's true.  I've accepted that and I also accept that I will probably have issues with food for the rest of my life.  Everybody's got their demons and this one is mine. 

When I'm being objective, I realize that I've already lost 103 pounds and I've proven that it IS possible for me to lose the weight.  So I'm going to go back to the basics and I'm going to do what I did in the beginning of the year.  I think all the weight lifting has thrown me off course and the extra caloric demand from the massive workouts was something that I was not ready to deal with.  I'm still almost 360 lbs and that really makes a difference when it comes to anaerobic exercises.

I know Misty isn't going to like it, but I've chosen to put down the weights for awhile.  I'll focus on the calories and getting in a lot of aerobic exercise.  Once I reach 300 lbs, I will revisit the anaerobic exercises with Misty.  I realize that doing weight exercises is a big part of any successful diet and exercise plan, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet.  I look at it like building a house- you've got to have a strong foundation before you start working on the second floor.  Otherwise, everything can suddenly tumble down.  In building a house or in trying to make a huge life change, that's just a bad thing to have happen.

11/03/2008

Well, I blew it again.  I cheated on the diet this morning and then I ruined the rest of the day because I figured I had already screwed up the day.  It's exactly what I tell other people not to do and I fell into the same trap myself.  I just don't understand why the last few months have been so stinking hard.

I did so well in the first half of the year and then out of nowhere, I hit a brick wall and fell into the same old traps as before.  I ate Chinese food from the buffet today (to go) and I ate half a box of Tastykake donuts.  How stupid is that?  The worst part is, I went shopping yesterday and made sure my fridge is filled with all sorts of healthy stuff and I put enough Smart Meals in my freezer to cover the week's dinners. 

This sucks because I know I've messed up another week's weigh-ins and it's only Monday.  I go in cycles of doing really well and then blowing all the progress I've made.  It's absolutely infuriating and there is nobody to blame but myself.  Things like this only reinforce all the negative things I've grown to feel about myself and that only makes the whole process worse.

I'd like to be positive right now and say that I know I will be successful and I know I will meet my goals, but I'd be lying if I said that.  The truth is, I am worried about this whole thing and I don't have a lot of confidence that I can do it.  I've failed hundreds of times before and I'm scared that is exactly what's going to happen this time too.  Of course, now there are thousands of people all over America that will get to see me fall down.  Wonderful.

Then there's the baby in Andrea's belly and the thought that if I don't lose the weight, I will probably not be alive to see him or her graduate high school.  That's a terrible thought but it's very realistic.  Consider that my dad died when he was 66, his mom died when she was 65 and a number of others on his side faced the same thing in their 60's.  Next year when the baby is born, I will be 34.  In 19 years when he or she graduates, I will be 53.  Now add in the fact that the people who died were in reasonably good shape and the doctors gave them clean bills of health.

A 400+ pound guy in lousy shape doesn't fare to well in that scenario.  I share a lot of physical similarities with my dad (except the extreme weight, of course).  Most prominently, our body shapes were the same when I weighed closer to what he weighed.  He didn't have a  pot belly when he put on weight, he tended to gain it all over his body- just like me.  From everything that I have read, that's a hereditary trait and it's an indicator for future heart issues. 

I worry a lot about things, but it does no good because I eat more when I worry.  I seem destined to fail at this, which I don't even like saying because it seems as if I am putting the blame on the world.  Whether I succeed or fail, the fault or credit will lie squarely on my shoulders.  I'm not giving up and I'll still keep trying my hardest to be successful, it just feels like a losing struggle. 

Who knows, maybe the whole thing will turn around in the blink of an eye and I'll start losing again.  Maybe this is all some big test from God to see how strong I am.  Or maybe, this is solely me being lazy and taking the easy way out.  See how I can't say something positive without throwing a negative in there?  I hate that.

It is what I is, I guess.  I just have to remember- there's always hope!

10/31/2008

Halloween and I feel like I've been tricked.  Another week has gone by and I've only lost one pound.  It just feels like the whole diet has reached a  plateau and my weight loss has come to a standstill.  I'd say it's very frustrating, but that doesn't seem to express the feelings well enough.

All I can do at this point is keep moving forward and trying to move that dial lower and lower.  I haven't gained any weight back and that's a really good thing, so I guess it's not all bad news.  I just feel bad that the end of 2008 is only two months away and I haven't even reached my half-way mark.

I've tried so hard to lose this weight and it kills me that things aren't working out the way I had hoped.  Then again, maybe this will make the whole story better when I hit my goal.  I'd certainly never do it on purpose, because it is excruciating at times, but it will give me a lot more confidence when I reach the end.  Too bad that will be sometime around 2025...

10/29/2008

Here we are, Wednesday, and I am still working hard to have a good weigh in on Friday.  I checked things out yesterday at the VA and all seems to be in line for a loss this week, but I don't want to jinx myself by making any predictions.  I'll just keep on, keeping on and hopefully, it will all even out in the end.

I am still experiencing vertigo symptoms when I tilt my head back or turn it a certain way, which is extremely frustrating.  My doctor keeps giving me different medicine and none of it really works.  I don't know what the deal is, but I will be happy when it's gone.  If it's ever gone.  I am still looking for a job and not having a lot of luck, though I do have another interview today.

It's for a regular customer service job at almost half of my previous salary, but what can I do?  I need to work and support my family, especially with another baby on the way.  It's really not so bad and it could be a whole lot worse, so there's no reason to complain.  I just hope I get the job and I can start bringing money into the house again.

I also got a very exciting offer yesterday from the publisher of Exit Zero, the magazine that publishes my history columns.  I can't talk about the details yet, but I was commissioned to write a book that I think will be very popular.  It's a very exciting proposition for me and aside from the financial aspect of it, I am thrilled to be picked for the project.  It's a good feeling to know that my publisher has that kind of confidence in my writing ability. 

My deadline is a little steep due to time constraints, but I know I will meet the challenge and I am also confident that I will do a good job.  Beyond that, it will be up to the readers to judge the final outcome!

I received a wonderful letter this morning from a friend in California that I met through Donate My Weight.  Her name is Lauri and she nominated me for a web blog award, saying, "Even through the downs, it's good and motivational to see how you handle everything. I appreciate what you are doing "

10/27/2008

Andrea and I had an awesome weekend in Cape May!  We stayed at the John Wesley Inn and enjoyed the company of Bonnie and Lance Pontin.  They're the innkeepers and they were as friendly as could be.  We also had the opportunity to see iMusical, an entire musical that is improvised on the spot by some of the most talented people I've seen. 

They were performing a benefit show to raise money for the local theatre, which is in danger of being demolished to make way for condominiums.  It was such a cool show!  They asked for an audience suggestion at the very beginning and then based the whole thing off that one suggestion.  It was an amazing thing to watch and a whole lot of fun. 

I did eat some good food in Cape May, but I didn't go crazy.  We ate at a place called the Pilot House and I had the most incredible strip steak sandwich.  It has sautéed onions, a special roll and it was so tender... I also had an incredible bowl of NE clam chowder from the Lobster House.  I absolutely love good clam chowder, almost as much as I love good crab cakes (and I love crab cakes).

I also did some good walking with Andrea, though the weather wasn't exactly cooperative.  The whole city looked beautiful with loads of mums, hay bales and corn stalk decorations everywhere.  It blended well with the fiery colors of leaves in autumn.  The crowd wasn't too bad and it just felt really warm and comfortable.  Our room had a fireplace and we enjoyed ourselves immensely. 

Today's a good day for being really strict on the diet and keeping myself in line.  I have planned out my meals for the day and I'm ready to go!  I am really hoping for some good results this Friday!!!

10/24/2008

The world seems to like messing with me.  I stepped on the scale today and guess what- no change at all.  This week was one of my hardest weeks in the gym and I stuck to the diet, but still nothing.  I know I said I wouldn't be upset if the scale didn't show progress, but I was wrong.  I'm upset.

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me but I have to believe that there's a purpose for all of this.  I'm going to keep on truckin and hope for good things next week.  Maybe Misty is right and it's all the extra weight lifting that's causing the scale to stay the same.  I don't know anymore.  All I can do it try to work as hard as possible and keep the faith.

It's still super-annoying though.

10/22/2008

I am so tired right now, but it's a good tired.  It's the kind of tired that you feel when you know you've worked really hard and done your best at something.  If that scale doesn't show progress on Friday then I won't be upset, because I'll know that there was nothing else I could have possibly done (nothing healthy, at least).

Misty wasn't able to train me today, because I had to cancel our original appointment and she was booked the rest of the day.  So I went to the gym and tried to emulate the workout she would have put me through.  I beat myself up pretty good with both the weights and the treadmill.  It was a great workout and Misty approved of my efforts.  She was at the gym, but she was training someone else at the time.  She said she watched what I was doing and saw how hard I worked.

That made me feel good, because I was really trying to give everything I had to give.  My anxiety has been up a little lately, but not too bad.  Yesterday I needed my Xanax medicine to avoid an attack, but that's the only time I used it all week.  I wish I understand the whole Panic Disorder thing more so I could anticipate good and bad days and plan for them.  Oh well, I guess I have to face the fact that it's just one more thing that's out of my control.

It seems this whole weight loss things is out of my control too, in some ways.  What I mean is that I can work as hard as I can in the gym and eat healthy, but at the end of the day, there's no guarantee that the scale is going to show a loss.  Theoretically, that should happen, but there's always different factors to take into consideration like water weight and the body slowing down metabolism.  I figure that as long as I keep my focus and continue to do my very best, that scale has to move eventually. 

Maybe it will be like a snowball and once I get it moving, it will keep going!

In other news, I felt one of the greatest joys today that any parent can experience.  It came at a funny time too, right in the middle of a big argument between Andrea and me.  I won't go into the whole disagreement because it's just one of those typical things that couples go through, but it took an interesting turn tonight. 

I was sitting downstairs, pouting and still frustrated, when I heard Andrea yell for me to come upstairs.  I figured that something must be wrong, since she was also upset with me from the argument.  We're both so stubborn sometimes, neither of us wants to admit we're wrong.  Anyway, I went upstairs and Andrea had a big smile on her face.  It totally threw me off.

She told me that the baby was moving around inside her and she even saw it kick from the outside of her belly!  I plopped down on the bed beside her and she put my hand overtop of the baby's little home base.  At first, I didn't feel anything and I was wondering if she was just messing with me.  It seemed like an odd way to end a disagreement.  Then it happened, I felt a kick!  I felt that little baby kick me through Andrea's belly and it was fantastic!

It'll be another 5 months before I can hold him/her in my arms, but feeling that baby for the first time was one of the greatest thrills of my life.

10/20/2008

Misty put me through the wringer again today with another grueling workout.  She's awesome!  I expect to see some good results this week and I'm going all out for the next couple weeks to hit that 115 lb mark.  There's a lot of people depending on that food from the Wegmans donation and I will make sure they get it!

Plus, I want to see some good leaps and bounds in my own progress. It will be a good boost for me and I believe it will help me make it through the  upcoming holiday season.  I have a feeling this push before the end of the year will go well for me and I will end 2008 on a high note.

Andrea and I will be in Cape May this weekend for me to do some research on another article.  It will be a great chance for me to get some additional exercise in, walking all over the city.  I love to stroll up and down the promenade.  It's about a mile and a half long and I have the ocean on one side of me with some incredible Victorian buildings to look at on the other side.   The whole experience is so peaceful.  It's good for the body AND the mind.

10/17/2008

I am not a happy camper right now.  I worked so hard in the gym this week and I kept to the diet, but I GAINED 1 LB!!!!!  It's ultra-frustrating and I don't understand it.  I'm sitting her sore as can be, because those workouts were so strong.  I could barely even walk yesterday because of the exercises I put my legs through.

The pain is pretty crazy, actually.  Misty pushed me harder than I thought I could go this week and I felt really good about what I was doing.  Then today, I stepped on the scale and found I didn't lose anything.  In fact, I gained.  It's especially hard to see that since I'm coming off those tough weeks and I really expected something awesome.

Geez, I would have even been happy with only losing a pound or two.  But I guess that wasn't in the cards for me today.  I can honestly say that I worked my hardest this week and I didn't cheat on my diet.  There's nothing that I would do differently if I had the chance to do it all over again. 

I'm hoping the extra pound was due to retaining water or something and only time will tell.  Whatever the case, seeing that scale today only cemented my will.  I will try harder than ever next week and I absolutely guarantee I will lose some weight.  I'm not going to let that stupid pile of metal and electrodes (scale) make me feel bad.  No way, no how!

I just hope that this isn't upsetting to anyone who is watching me and using my efforts to help motivate them.  It's just a small bump in the road and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter.  I'll meet my goal.  I absolutely will and so will anyone else that dedicates themselves to losing weight and refuses to quit!  We're not doing some sort of temporary fix here, we're changing our lives.  It's totally worth all the time, pain and frustration... and WE are worth it too!

10/14/2008

Good Lord!  I am so sore today it's not funny.  Misty beat me down at the gym yesterday and put me through a heavy workout.  After I was done with the weights, I jumped on the treadmill for a little cardio to cool down.  I had a doctor's appointment this morning to have blood drawn and I weighed myself while I was there. 

The old dial on the scale didn't move and showed the same as before, but it could also be because of the extra-strong training.  I always tend to retain water on the days after a really nasty workout.    I'm not too worried yet, but I really hope that I see some progress by Friday! Maybe I'll even have some sweet-looking muscles at the end of all this...

Andrea's been a big help with things and has done her best to keep me motivated.  She's been feeling a little under the weather with the pregnancy, but she still makes it a point to keep me going.  I really lucked out the day I met her and I am happy that she's starting to feel better herself.  Andrea's in the 16th week of pregnancy and the symptoms are not as bad as they were in the beginning. 

It's crazy to think that in another 20+ weeks, I'll be a true, honest-to-goodness daddy.  I consider Jordan and Alex to be my kids and I try to treat them as if they were my own, but it's a little different because they have a dad in their life.  It's going to be the greatest thing in the world when I see that little baby looking up at me!

10/12/2008

I've put all the unhappiness and frustration behind me, it's a whole new day! 

I am 100% reinvigorated and looking forward to some big things in the coming months.  Wegmans will be making that first delivery soon and that will be absolutely awesome.  I can't wait to see that truck pull up to the loading dock over at the food bank...  It'll happen sooner than later!

Last night, Andrea and I attended Second Harvest of the Lehigh Valley's 'Empty Bowls: A Feast for Understanding'.  It was the seventh year for the event that featured a silent auction, live music, a really good dinner and even fireworks to end the night!  We had a great time and it was wonderful to talk with all the people who keep that food bank running.  

The party was actually a benefit for the food bank and everything that was used in the event was donated.  A lot of good people also donated their time, from the food service people to the band and fireworks technicians.   It must have taken a whole lot of work to make everything go so smoothly.   I felt especially honored last night, because the food bank chose to recognize me as their 'Hunger Hero' for 2008. 

Coming from people who do so much to help the people in their community, that meant a lot to me and I appreciate it.  I'm going to work my hardest to make sure those donations keep coming.  I feel like it's my personal mission to help these food banks as much as I possibly can.  The best way I can think of doing that is to keep losing weight and trying to spread the 'Donate My Weight' word.

Thank you to everyone who's helped me get this far.  I could never have done this without all your kindness, love and support.  The encouragement of so many people around the country has kept me going in the dark times.  This losing weight stuff is definitely not easy, but it is absolutely possible.  It can be done and I'm going to prove it!

10/10/2008

Another week and my number is the same.  Frustrated isn't a good enough word to describe what I'm feeling.  It's true that I didn't spend as much time in the gym as I should and it's true that I was liberal with the diet when I should have been more stringent, but still.  I should have lost at least a few lbs. 

This is so frustrating and it's especially upsetting for me, because I have a benefit dinner to attend tomorrow at Second Harvest Food Bank.  I'm going to be in the very same warehouse where all that donated food will be delivered and it's going to be a huge visual reminder for me.  I already know that my setbacks are hurting all those people who depend on the food bank, but it's one thing to know it and another to actually see it firsthand.

I am very proud of all the food that has already been donated, on the other hand.  Maybe I should try to focus on the good we have already done and think of how fantastic it will feel when things get taken to the next level.  It's just really hard today, because I had hoped to hit 115 lbs by today and I'm still 12 lbs away.  That stinks.

I guess it's a huge plus that I haven't gained anything.  When I think about it, I have still lost 103 lbs since the beginning of 2008 and a total of 120 lbs since I was at my high of 477 lbs last year.  That's an awesome accomplishment and I did it with a lot of hard work and the support of many people.  You know what?  Today isn't a huge failure, it's just a temporary bump in the road. 

Next week, expect to see that needle move!

In other news, I had yet another appointment with my doctor today about my vertigo feelings.  He still thinks it's a viral infection deep in my ear and he prescribed a nasal steroid spray.  He said if that doesn't work, he will schedule me for a cat scan up at the Wilkes Barre VA Hospital.  That ought to be a lot of fun.

I must have appeared to be a little skeptical about the nasal spray, because my doctor told  me to be positive and give it a chance to work.  From my perspective, it's been two and a half months since these symptoms started and I've tried everything from antibiotics and special ear drops to Naproxen and Claritin.  It's almost as frustrating as seeing that scale stay the same for another week.

10/08/2008

There's a whole side of losing weight that I never considered- the mental aspect of it.  It's easy to think about the physical dieting, eat less and you will lose weight.  But there's so much more that goes into it, especially if you have a serious problem with food like I do.  I say 'do' instead of 'did', because quite frankly, I still have huge problems with food.

It's not one of those things that just goes away immediately and even after I lose all the weight, I imagine that it will take years to change my mindset.  Maybe it will never change for me and I'll always have to keep vigilant for the rest of my life.  Everyone faces a different struggle and you can't predict one person's situation by looking at another.  The future is uncertain and that's just something I have to accept.

The truth is, food has been a problem for me throughout my entire adult life.  It started early in my teen years and I don't know how it happened, but I began looking at food as a comforter.  I can remember riding my bike to our local supermarket with all the money that I could muster.  I would buy either a bag of potato chips or a box of donuts and a two liter of soda.  Then I would rush home and sneak the food up into my room. 

I didn't eat it all at once.  I kept it hidden in my room and I would snack away as I read my books.  I used to read a lot by myself in those days.  It was the beginning of the terrible habit that plagues me now, where I buy large amounts of food and eat it by myself.  Doctors call it binge eating and it, along with all the drinking I used to do, is the reason I am so overweight.

As I got older, I would begin buying a case of soda as well.  I'd keep it all in my room, along with my snacks.  I had a TV and a couch up there too, so I spent most of my time eating, drinking and watching TV in my bedroom.    It was a solitary lifestyle, but I chose it for myself.  I couldn't really say why, I don't know.   I just did.

I wasn't the most confident guy, though I kept my insecurities hidden well.  I believed I was weak, both in physical strength and in spirit.  I would talk a good game but when push came to shove, I always tried to run away from physical confrontations.  I had absolutely no confidence that I could defend myself and then after I ran, I beat myself up for being a coward. 

I was never very confident with girls either.  Don't get me wrong, I had my share of girlfriends, but believe me when I say it wasn't because I was some kind of Romeo.  I never understood why girls were interested in me and that lack of confidence was usually the cause for my relationships falling apart. 

Work was always an issue for me too.  I always had high hopes and I genuinely wanted to do well, but it never worked out.  I believed that it was because I was lazy,  though I wouldn't admit it to anyone.  It was probably more a case of me going into things with a negative perception of how they would turn out.  When you expect to fail, you usually meet that expectation.

Throughout all the hard times, the only constant thing was the food I ate to make me feel better.  No matter what happened to me or what I did wrong, the food never judged me. On the other hand, I judged myself harshly because of all the food I ate.  It went on like that for years.  I was in the Navy when I first started to think I was fat.  I remember the day like it was yesterday.   The funny thing is, my jeans were a size 32 and I was 190 lbs back then.

As I look back on things, I don't even believe it was the food that made me feel bad.  I think it was a perceived lack of control that really got me upset.  I didn't feel like I had any control over my life or the way I handled things.  I acted like a fool and I allowed my unhappiness and pain to make me miserable.   Part of me thought I wasn't a very good person and those feelings only grew with time.

Alcohol and food took away the bad feelings temporarily, much like a drug user would allow their drugs to take them away.  Problem is, they always came back stronger and that's never really changed.  Even as I write this now, I question who I am and what I'm really made of, deep down inside.  I still struggle with whether or not I'm a good person, though I really do try to do the right things.

It's easy to look back at my past and see the mistakes I've made or the people I've hurt and use that as a rationale for the way I feel about myself.  I even look at the way I live my life now and find all the faults.  The fact that I don't have a job is a huge thing for me.  It makes me feel like I'm a huge failure.  I still run to food when I'm upset and those cheat days have turned into a binge-fest, to ease the cravings and take away the pain for a little while.  

I believe that's the whole reason I find myself straying from the diet at times.  I've never really dealt with the bad feelings that fuel the eating and I think until I do, it's going to be the same old thing.  It needs to end right here, right now.  I don't want to feel bad about myself anymore.  I've made my share of mistakes and I have hurt a lot of people (including myself), but it was done out of insensitivity and a lack of foresight, not malice.  I was hurting and I lashed out at others, though it was usually in a quiet, passive-aggressive way. 

In my heart, I know I'm a good person.  I want nothing but the best for the people in my life and I do care about people in general.  I don't want to see anyone hurting and if there is some way I can help another person feel better, I want to do it.   It makes me happy to make others happy.   If I'm honest, I always felt that way deep down inside.  I just didn't see how I could help anyone else or have faith in my abilities. 

There's a poem my dad taught me the year before he died, called 'Invictus.'  He's the only one who knew the troubles I was having with alcohol and he gave me that poem during a particularly hard time.  Those words helped me finally quit drinking and I'm proud to say that at the end of this month (October 26th) I will celebrate 5 years since my last drink.  

Taking control of my alcohol issues was only the beginning and until I control the urge to eat in an unhealthy way, I will still be a slave to addiction.  It doesn't have to be this way and from now on, I'm going to do my damndest to beat these food demons.  I will still have my cheat days, but they will not be an excuse to binge eat.  I will still stick to my diet, but I won't beat myself up over a 100 calorie mistake.  Most importantly, I will do my best to keep the faith and I will trust in my ability to see this through.  I can do this, I know I can!

Invictus

By William Earnest Henley

10/07/2008

I feel great!  I'm back on track with the diet and I'm working as hard as I can to get back to where I was in the weight loss.  Once I hit that mark, I'm going to settle myself into the groove and keep going!

The holidays ought to throw some huge challenges at me, though I don't expect the actual days to be the problem.  I already planned to make Thanksgiving and Christmas cheat days, but it will be all the days in the holiday season that will pose a challenge.   All those great hearty meals that stick to your bones when the air is cold, also stick to your belly, butt and thighs because they're typically high in calories. 

Once we pass Thanksgiving, then it will get especially difficult.  All those leftovers, plus candy and Christmas cookies are virtually everywhere (and I love them all), so it will be hard to keep saying no.  I'm sure there will be times when I make bad decisions, but I will just have to accept that I'm human and keep going with the diet.  I really believe that the damage done by a small mistake on a diet is not too bad.  That doesn't cause the damage, it's the rationalizing we do in our heads afterwards and the over-indulgence that soon follows.

We've all been there- "Well, I already cheated, so today is blown.  But that's ok, I'll get a fresh start tomorrow morning and everything will be good."  The problem is, that little rationalization paves the way for us to eat thousands of calories without a second thought.  That's where it really hurts, even more than we normally would, because we want to 'get it all in' before going back to the diet the next day. 

Before you know it, one day turns into a couple of days or a week and the diet is nothing more than a memory.  It's the ultimate slippery slope and I've tumbled down it more times than I care to admit.  But that was the past and this is now!

I spent some good time on the elliptical machine today and tomorrow I will be slamming those weights down some more.  Woo hoo!  I'm back on the diet and I am feeling great about it!   It's only a matter of days before those pounds start coming off again and I'm pulling in good losses again.  I hope the food bank in ready for all that food, because I'm getting ready to rock the show!!!  

10/05/2008

Andrea and I took a nice walk at Dorney Park today!  I'm sticking to the diet and feeling good about things.  I'll call it 'cautiously optimistic', but I have a whole lot of hope that things will work out for me.  I believe I will find a great job, I will lose all this weight, I'll be a great dad to my new baby and my two step-kids, I'll be a good husband to Andrea and most importantly, I will leave this world a little better than I found it.

I guess we never know where the future is going to lead us, all we can do is try our best to be successful and make a difference.  That's what this is all about and I really do believe it will work out.  I don't mean to get all spiritual here, but I truly feel like God helped guide me to this point in my life and gave me the inspiration to create Donate My Weight.  He gave me the opportunity to do a ton of good and I can't let it fall apart.

Big things are coming...

10/03/2008

So here I am, another week has passed and another bad number on the scale.  The one good thing is that I have not put on any more weight.  Then again, I haven't lost any of it either.  I still haven't been able to find a good job and none of the people I am calling for jobs are calling me back.  On top of everything, my vertigo has come back to make things that much more difficult.

It's not anywhere as bad as it was before, but it's throwing me off and making me really anxious.  I woke up yesterday morning and when I stepped out of bed, I felt like I was on a boat.  All day yesterday, I felt slightly dizzy and off-balance.  It's not enough to require a doctor but just enough that it throws me off and feels very uncomfortable.  Not knowing what it is isn't helping with the anxiety either.

The only real question at this point is where do I go from here?  Should I give up on this whole thing and go back to my old lifestyle of eating massive amounts of garbage and pushing myself farther and farther from the people who care about me?  Not only will that significantly affect my own life and the lives of those most important to me, it will also keep tons of food out of the mouths of people who really need it.  But on the other hand, what if I can't meet my goal and I am just continually setting myself up for failure?

Reasons to quit-

I might not be able to meet my goal no matter what I do

I am afraid to fail and by quitting, at least I will be in control of the situation

I am addicted to food and I can't stop eating things that are bad for me

Reasons to keep going-

My wife deserves a husband she can be proud of and have around as long as possible

My kids deserve the same thing

I deserve to have a better life

I've already come so far

If I quit, I will die young, no question about it

If I quit, I will gain the weight back and be miserable

If I quit, I will feel worse than I have ever felt about myself

When I finish the diet and meet my goal, I will feel incredible

The choice is pretty clear, I NEED to keep going!  I need to shake off this funk and throw myself back into the diet and exercise plan.  I'm thinking I have been feeling a little depressed lately and it's fueling my diet issues.  I am just going to have to find another way to deal with the sad feelings.  Pain and frustration are a part of life and when I stop experiencing them, it will probably mean I'm dead. 

So what if I don't have a job?  I'll get one!  I gained a little weight back?   I'll just have to lose it, plus a whole lot more!  I'm back in the game and I don't expect to stop again until I'm done.  I think I just lost track of my priorities and I allowed the hard times to get me down. 

No more!!!!!

10/01/2008

I've had a couple of days to think about things and I'm feeling a little better.  I'm still upset about what I've been doing and the results I'm seeing on the scale.  Aside from being a stupid thing to do, it's also really selfish when you consider how I'm holding back all that food from people who really need it.  I don't know what the heck I'm doing sometimes.

I sent Misty a text today and told her what was going on with me.  I told her I needed her help and I wanted her to train me.  Her response was, "What took you so long?"  I'm lucky to have such a good friend like her and I'm hoping she can help me get back on track.  I have been working out on my own previously, with a plan that Misty created for me.

I haven't actually trained with her though, because I felt like I knew what to do and I could monitor myself.  I also didn't want to let her down by making an appointment one day and not showing up.  I've been unreliable with things in the past and I didn't want to waste her time or show disrespect for her in any way.  I'm still worried I will either let her down at some point or get all anxious while she's training me and have a panic attack. 

This is a really tough time for me and I think everything is starting to catch up with me.  Not having a job is driving me out of my mind and it scares me to think about bringing a new baby into the family.  I can barely pay the bills now and what if I don't find a new job before the baby is born?  Oh my God, that's not going to be until April.  I can't just sit around here all that time and do nothing.

We want to move into a new house and I can hardly afford this one.  I want the kids to be able to play outside and ride their bikes around, you know, do the kinds of things kids do.  They can't do it right now, because we live in the city and it'd be way too dangerous.  Now I'm going to bring a new baby into the family and I want to be able to do better for them all.  Even so, I keep messing it all up.

I'm really at a turning point here and I need to get control of this situation.  I don't want to be fat anymore and I don't want to be a screw-up.  I want to be someone my kids and wife can look up to and respect.  Right now I feel about a thousand miles away from that.

09/29/2008

Well, I still feel terrible about what happened on Friday and I don't know how to turn things around.  I spent the weekend at the Henry Sawyer Inn in Cape May and I didn't count my calories like have should have done.  How stupid am I right now, messing this up when I'm so close to the first truckload of food from Wegmans? 

I didn't go crazy with food over the weekend, but I did eat a few things I should have avoided.  This whole thing doesn't make sense to me and it's really messing with my head.  I know exactly what to do, to lose the weight and achieve my goals... but I don't do it.  This doesn't make sense to me at all.  I want to lose this weight more than anything and I don't know why I keep sabotaging myself. 

The food does make me feel better when I'm upset, but then I end up feeling worse a few hours later.  Sometimes I think that food is my closest friend.  I know that probably sounds dumb and the food is more like my biggest enemy.  Even so, I can't completely cut food out of my life like I did with alcohol and cigarettes.  I don't know where to go from here. 

09/26/2008

Today is a terrible day for me.  I stepped on the scale and found that I gained 5 lbs back.  I don't even know what to say here, I feel like such a huge failure.  Andrea and I are supposed to go to Cape May for me to research another inn.  I don't know how I will do with my diet while I'm down there, with all the good restaurants and candy shops.

I feel like I just got a kick in the stomach and the worst part is, I did it to myself. 

09/24/2008

I blew it.  I stinking blew it. 

This morning, I got the craving to eat donuts... and I blew it.  I walked over to Wawa and bought a box of Tastykake donuts.  Then I came home and ate half the box.  I also ate a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.  I feel like such an idiot right now.  There are people all over the country who are watching what I'm doing and asking me for advice as they try to lose weight themselves.  Meanwhile, here I am eating a breakfast sandwich and half a box of Tastykake donuts.  Crap.

On top of everything, I still have this stupid cold and I feel like garbage.  I couldn't sleep most of the night and I every time I did fall asleep, I had all kinds of crazy, disturbing dreams.  Lord knows what I was talking about yesterday when I said the cold was getting better.  I feel worse today than I did yesterday. 

I just can't believe I caved in like I did this morning.  Everybody makes mistakes now and then but come on!  I ate half a box of donuts!  The sole redeeming point in this whole situation is the fact that I could only eat half a box.  I would have easily polished off the whole box in the past.  That's not something to brag about either.  Man, I am such a boob.

And I keep thinking of Wegmans and that incredible donation they're going to make when I hit 115 lbs.  While they're making the preparations for the donation, here I am making decisions that will put it off.  Now I will have to make sure my screw up this morning doesn't taint the rest of the day. 

I have a terrible habit of making a mistake on the diet and feeling like the entire day is already blown.  It's a rationalization that I have used in the past, to convince myself to continue cheating later in the day.  The idea was that I could always start fresh the next day.  Of course, that would also mean I cram a lot more empty calories into my body before tomorrow comes. 

Today's the day I have to break the cycle and throw that old habit in the garbage.  A simple mistake (even one as big as mine today) shouldn't give me the carte blanche to eat whatever I want.  It makes one setback a lot worse than it has to be.  Even so, it will be a hard habit to break.  I guess there's no time like the present to give it a try. 

I still feel like a dolt for eating that sandwich and those donuts....

09/23/2008

Another day, another dollar... oops.  I still have not been able to find a job, but I've been searching high and low.  I even have an appointment this afternoon with a Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment counselor with the VA.  I hope they can help me find something to pay the bills or at least, steer me in the right direction.  We'll see.

My cold is getting a little better, though I was up almost all night.  I took my allergy medicine and I hope that gives me some relief.  Jordan and Andrea were also looking a little rough this morning.  Alexandra seemed to be ok and not feeling any more symptoms.  I'm a little jealous- ha!  It's amazing how many times I've been sick this year, but I think it's probably due to the diet making my immune system a little weaker than normal. 

My panic symptoms have been better over the past couple days but I am struggling with the diet.  That's not to say I'm not doing well, I think I am.  It's just been one heck of a fight!  I don't know what it is these days, but every time I see some kind of good food, I feel like I've got to have it.  I have been able to restrain myself from going crazy and cheating on the diet, but it's not been easy.

I was in a local grocery store yesterday and I walked past a display of freshly-baked donuts.  Now, I am a man who likes his donuts.  I love those delightful little balls of dough and frosting.  Even thinking about them now is getting me hungry.  Donuts and chocolate milk are perfect together...  Getting back to the story, I was walking past the display and they were calling out to me.

They all looked so good and inviting.  I wanted the cream-filled, I wanted the glazed, I wanted the custard-filled, etc.  I wanted them all!  Things were going fast and furious in my head as I had a little argument with myself over whether or not I should buy them.  I know the answer should seem obvious, but in that moment it wasn't so clear. 

While I was standing there fighting with myself, I felt my feet walking away from the donut aisle.  It was a most peculiar thing.  I literally thought to myself, 'Hmm.  I'm walking away but I still haven't decided if I should buy them.'  It was seriously that way too.  I must have unconsciously taken control of things while my conscious mind was trying to ward off the temptation.  The whole deal was kind of bizarre and surreal, but I take it as definitive proof that I am meant to lose this weight!

09/20/2008

What a week it's been!  I lost another two pounds and I picked up a cold.  Actually, my whole family is getting sick.  I think one of the kids brought home some sort of bug because we are all feeing it.  Even Andrea's dad, who lives next door, is getting the cold.   He's a healthy guy who exercises like a maniac, pretty much everyday.   I think this is the first time I've even seen him feeling under the weather.

It was like that with my own dad.  He was rarely sick, but when he was, it hit him like a ton of bricks.  He almost always went to school no matter how sick he was, but then he would come home and camp out under a blanket for the rest of the night.  The day he died, he went through that routine.  My dad thought he just had a bad cold with chest congestion, so he took some aspirin and covered himself with a blanket in his den.  We found out later that it wasn't congestion from a cold, he was having a heart attack.

Speaking of my dad, I had a very interesting experience this past week.  I had a job interview down in Philadelphia and on the way home, I was listening to a special cd I made for Andrea.  One of the songs on the cd was from POD and it was called 'Thinking About Forever'.  It's about the pain of losing a parent and how hard it is to move on with your life. 

As I'm listening to the song, I saw a lone Monarch butterfly next to my car.  It was flying along with me, circling around the driver-side window.  Right as it flew away from my car, I heard these lyrics, "If you can hear me, show me a sign.  Please send a butterfly or two."  I'm not making that up or embellishing anything, that's exactly the way it happened.  My dad loved the orange and black Monarch butterflies.  And considering I haven't seen any other Monarch butterflies in over a year, I'd say that's a pretty clear message.

So it seems that my dad really is with me in this fight and I'm so happy to know it!  I only wish I could see him or give him a hug.  That would make me feel so much better.  I really do miss him. 

Things are going ok with the diet and I am hoping to have another good week, next week.  I'm a little worried about the cold.  I won't be able to go to the gym and work out if it gets worse.  The last time I worked out when I was sick, I got that whole vertigo problem and there is no way I want to risk that again.  Ah, no way.  Regardless of what happens with the gym, I will stay strong with the diet and keep fighting the good fight!

09/18/2008

I'm still feeling somewhat anxious today, but not as bad as the past couple days.  I spoke with a doctor at the VA about the way I've been feeling and he told me that I should be taking the Xanax pills as needed, one or two a day.  I told him that I was worried about becoming addicted to them or having problems with the medicine.  That's why I try not to take them unless I absolutely have to have one. 

He told me I shouldn't worry about the Xanax, because I am taking such a small dosage and I only take them once or twice a day. 

He also told me that at my small dosage, I could not become addicted to them, even if I took them every day for months.  He explained that the addiction comes at much higher doses of the medicine and when people take them more than 3 times a day, every day. 

I told him that every time I have been taking the medicine, I felt a little bad about myself, like I failed to stop the attack.  He made me feel better by comparing my panic disorder to any other medical problem that people need medicine to control.  He also helped me to feel better about my fear of the medicine.  I'm supposed to take two pills if a full attack comes on, but I have only ever done it once.

I was so afraid that the medicine would make me feel all out of control or make me more anxious.  The doctor explained that it would be exactly the opposite, it would stop the attack in its tracks and help me feel more in control of things.  He said that my fear of medicine is typical of panic disorder and another reason why people with the disorder rarely abuse medication.  It made me feel a little better, but I will become more at-ease with things with time.

Even though it may be related to panic disorder, I know exactly why I'm afraid of medicine.  I've had two terrible experiences in my past that shaped that fear.  The first one occurred while I was in the Navy, serving overseas.  My right hand was injured and I had to have surgery to repair the tendons. 

They made a mistake with the anesthesia and right in the middle of the operation, I woke up.  I remember it too.  I remember opening my eyes and seeing people all frantic, then feeling them holding me down.  I later learned that I tried to sit up and I made a fist with my hand that had just been repaired.  I ripped open all the sutures, which required them knocking me back out and operating again.

When I woke up in the recovery room, I was a mess.  My mind was working at full speed, but my body was slow and not responding right.  I would try to walk or talk, but I couldn't make my legs work right and the words were all slow-motion like.  I felt as if I was trapped in my own body and it scared the hell out of me.  That lasted over 24 hours and even after, I was uncoordinated for a couple days.  I'll never forget it.

The second experience that helped fuel my fear of medicine was an accident that happened while I was at Lock Haven University.  I used to take my Zoloft at night, before I went to bed back then.  Well, one night I took my medicine and went about my business.  Not realizing I already took it, I took a second pill.  Once I knew what happened, it was too late and I had a TERRIBLE night. 

I felt like a psychopath and had some of the worst anxiety I've ever experienced.  I didn't have Xanax pills back then, so I had no choice but to sit back and take it all.  It was a horrible, horrible thing to go through and whenever I take any medicine, I have become almost compulsive about making sure I don't double-up.  If I'm not sure about whether or not I've taken my Zoloft now, I will stay safe and just not take it that day.  Because of the way the medicine works, I can miss a day every once in awhile without a huge problem.

Before I get myself all upset thinking of those bad times, let me talk about something really cool that happened yesterday.   Andrea had her second appointment with the midwife in the afternoon.  I went with her to lend some moral support and because I think it's important for the dad to be involved right from the start.  I had also been worrying like crazy that something bad would happen, thinking about the previous miscarriage.

I seem to be a real worrier anymore, I never would have imagined it.  I used to go from bar to bar in the Navy, doing what young men do and acting like a fool.  Then I went to college and though I had panic attacks, I drank to cover them up and feel better.  I was in that young, nothing can hurt me stage.  Now, I'm like an eighty-year old woman.  I wonder if this is it, if I'll spend the next 30+ years of my life (however long God allows me to hang around) being a compulsive worrier. 

But I am totally digressing from the story of the midwife visit.  Anyway, the midwife told us that things were progressing normally and everything seemed to be in line with a normal pregnancy.  The baby's heart was beating strong and I even got to hear it, which I have to tell you, brought tears to my eye.  After all that worry and fear, hearing that fast little boom-boom-boom-boom made me feel so good. 

That's my little boy or girl, I thought. That's my baby!  The whole thing got me a little emotional and I don't mind admitting it (see, I really AM like an 80 year old woman).  It was a great time and it made all the anxiousness I've been feeling seem worth it.  Sure, I wish I had been able to lose more weight in the past nine months and yes, I wish I had not cheated on the diet this past week. 

But you know what?  I'm still breathing and as long as I wake up tomorrow, I'll have another chance to lose more weight.  I'm so close to that halfway mark too.  I am dreaming about that Wegmans truck pulling up to the loading dock of the food bank.   It's going to happen and then I will really kick it up in the second half of the diet.  I'd love to lose all the weight before the baby comes, but if that doesn't happen, well, I'll just have to keep going. 

Oh, and we bought our first baby clothes last week!!!!!  Andrea picked them out and their the cutest little things-

I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I live to see my baby grow old.  It's amazing how much I could come to love someone I haven't even met.  

09/16/2008

I had kind of a rough day today.  I was on the treadmill this morning, when out of the clear blue sky, I felt a panic attack coming on hard and fast.  I tried to stick it out but it quickly became apparent that it wasn't going away.  So I jumped off the treadmill and then left the gym. 

On my way home, I took one of my Xanax pills and I used my skills to de-escalate things.  I was able to keep the attack at bay, but I felt like garbage the rest of the day.  It was a sort of depressed, unexplained sadness and it hung over me like a heavy blanket. 

Andrea asked me a couple times what was wrong and I told her I didn't know.  The thing is, I really didn't know what was getting me so upset.  It was just a general kind of blah feeling and I guess I expected the little Xanax pill to take it away.  After I talked with Andrea about things tonight, she pointed out that the pills aren't meant for that, they are supposed to stop the panic attack... which is what happened.

She reminded me that everybody has sad day now and then and it's no big thing.  I still feel all confused, like I don't understand what's been going on with me lately.  I've been feeling so anxious and having many more panic attacks then normal.  Even though what happened today didn't progress to an actual attack, it really shook me.  I think it's like when someone experiences a traumatic event and then later, something minor happens and brings them back into the moment.

I'm probably just analyzing the whole thing way too much, but I just don't understand why this is all happening again.  Andrea told me I need to find a way to accept that I have Panic Disorder, because it will help me to feel better.  At first, I thought she was nuts because I am WELL aware that I have it.  But then she pointed out that I am always asking why- why I have to deal with these attacks and why it doesn't seem to stop sometimes. 

I hate to admit it, but I think she's right.  Problem is, I don't know how to finally get it through my thick skull to accept the situation.  It's not like I sit around and feel sorry for myself, it's not like that at all.  I do realize how lucky I am to have my eyesight, hearing, the ability to walk and talk, etc.  I know things could be so much worse for me, but when that attack hits, I just want to curl up and die.  It's a very hard thing to explain to someone, the feeling that you are losing control of yourself and there's nothing you can do to stop it. 

I think of it like having someone hold you down and no matter how hysterical you get, they just won't let you up.  It's a feeling of being trapped, but the worst part is, I'm the one trapping myself.  It makes me feel like I'm going crazy, even though I know that's not the case.  It's very hard to understand and I would do just about anything to make it go away forever. 

I'm worried about my weight loss for this week because I have been having a hard time with the diet.  I'm not going crazy with huge amounts of food or anything, but I've crossed that 1500 calorie threshold more than a few times in the past week.  I hope I didn't gain any weight back, that would be a crushing blow.  We'll know on Friday... 

09/14/2008

Today's been a nice quiet day, so Andrea and I took the opportunity to think about all the fun that will be happening in 7 months.  We have a bunch of stuff picked out on our baby registry and I can honestly say I learned a lot about newborns.  I'm so grateful that Andrea has the experience with babies because as scared as I am now, it would be absolutely terrifying without her knowledge.

Then there's the standard Daddy feelings, wondering if I'll be good enough and if I'll do the right things as a father.  I try to do the best I can with Jordan and Alexandra, but there's times that I completely second-guess myself.  I know I make mistakes, but it's a big learning process and I do the best I can.  The good thing for the two of them is that they also have their biological dad in their lives.

When Andrea gives birth in April, it'll all be on her and me to make sure the baby is raised right.  I'll be the only daddy in that baby's life.  It will be totally my responsibility to teach him or her the lessons that only a dad can teach.  I hope to God that I do things right and set the child up for a successful and happy life.

On a different subject, I had some delicious chicken and rice soup for dinner.  Andrea makes her own homemade chicken soup and it is rocking!  Lots of fresh vegetables and she simmers the broth with an entire chicken for hours and hours.  She does a really neat thing that I never had before, too.  She separates the chicken and the noodles at the end, so people are able to put in as much chicken and as many noodles as they like.  It also serves to keep them from getting all soggy and mushy.

The calories are relatively low for the soup, but the sodium is high.  To be able to fit it into my diet, I have to have it at the beginning of the week.  All that sodium causes me to retain water and I need to flush it all out of me before I weigh in on Friday.  Otherwise, the scale won't show any weight loss, no matter how well I did that week.

I am only nine pounds from that official halfway mark and I keep thinking of how great it will feel when that Wegmans truck comes to the food bank.  I talked to Bill, the Service Manager at our local store and he told me they are equally excited about the donation.  He was very animated when we talked and it was easy to see he truly was excited, which made me feel great. 

This week, I'm going to push myself as hard as I can in the gym, with the weights and then on the treadmill.  I want to make sure I am doing everything humanly possible to meet that goal in the next two weeks.  There's so many hungry people depending on me to deliver that food and I won't let them down. 

I know that the food banks tend to do ok around Thanksgiving and Christmas time, but the Summer and early autumn seasons are especially hard for them.  The demand for food is high and the rate of donations is traditionally low.  I am hoping to make things a little easier for the hungry people in the Lehigh Valley! 

09/12/2008

There's some good news to report today.  Not only have I lost another three pounds (yeah!), I also spoke with a Senior Manager of Public Relations at Weight Watchers International.  There had been some e-mails sent back and forth that caught the eyes of some higher-ups at Weight Watchers, so they wanted to speak with me and set things straight.

They informed me that the original idea for their 'Lose For Good' program was a woman in one of their support groups in Seattle, WA.  As it turns out, she had been recommending other people in the group start collecting food to make a sort of shrine for the lifestyle they were leaving behind.  At the end of their respective diets, they donated the food to a local charity.

According to the Manager from Weight Watchers, this had been going on for a few years and it was the true inspiration for their new program.  The person I spoke with sounded sincere and I have no reason to doubt that what she said was true.  Anyway, it was never about getting credit or recognition to me.  I just didn't want people to see what Weight Watchers was doing and think that I had stolen the idea from them. 

I have a lot of goals for Donate My Weight and the most important one is helping as many people as I possibly can.  I figured that if people thought I wasn't being genuine or sincere with what I was trying to do, they wouldn't want to help me or donate to the food banks on my behalf.  I really hope people understand the difference between what I'm trying to do and what Weight Watchers is doing. 

I guess I can't control what anyone else thinks, but I can continue to work as hard as I can and lose this weight.  At the same time, I will keep trying to find new businesses and people to sponsor my weight loss.  In the end, a whole lot of hungry people will be fed and that is awesome!

I can't wait to lose the next 9 lbs, so Wegmans will make their first donation to Second Harvest of the Lehigh Valley.  It will be an incredible feeling to watch that tractor trailer pull up to the food bank and unload all that food!!!!!

09/10/2008

I had a rough time last night.  I have been taking those little Xanax pills every night for awhile now, because I have been feeling anxious almost every night.  My doctor gave me the prescription at the beginning of last year with the direction to take them as needed.  I was able to get myself so that I didn't need them every night last year, but it looks like I'm back there now. 

Part of it is the vertigo that I still feel, for whatever reason.  I don't even remember how long it's been, but I know that if I tilt my head back, the whole world will spin.  Keeping everything in mind, I decided to try and get myself back to only taking the Zoloft daily for my panic disorder and saving the Xanax for panic attacks.  Last night, around 8pm, I realized I hadn't taken any Xanax and I was happy.

About 10 minutes later, I began to feel a little anxious and I decided to take the pill to avoid any problems with actual attacks.  About 20 minutes later, I was walking with Andrea and I started to get all confused.  About the point that she asked me what I was talking about, I realized I was in the beginning of a panic attack.  It was very intense and I felt like I had to get out of here, like I was trapped and losing control of my mind.  I remembered all my training and I kept my cool.  After a few minutes everything stopped and I was left with a sharp anxiety feeling.

My doctor told me when an actual attack starts, I should take two Xanax tablets to stop it, but I've always been afraid of them.  So I broke a second tablet in half and took that.  The problem was, it didn't seem to help.  The attacks would come back every 5-10 minutes and hit me super-strong.  I would be able to stop them, but they'd just keep coming back.  I started to get worried that they would never stop.  Each time they came back, I would get hit with a feeling of sheer terror and the dread that these attacks weren't going to stop.  Nothing seemed to be working, not the medicine nor my calming skills. 

It took an hour and a half until I was able to calm down enough to fall asleep and even then, I was still feeling super-nervous.  It was just a terrible thing and I don't understand how I can stop it.  If there were isolated attacks that I could deal with and then move on, that would be one thing.  But when they keep coming and coming, one right after the other, it takes everything out of me.  I don't know how to handle that and I wonder how I can live the rest of my life with these attacks. 

The big problem is that they come without warning, in a totally unpredictable way.  They can hit me no matter what I'm doing or where I am and it gets to be a debilitating thing.  After an attack, I feel exhausted and there's this sense of dread for future attacks.  I just want to hide in my bedroom sometimes...

I had a really good conversation this morning with a gentleman at the VA clinic that helped me to feel a little better.  Now, I have walked past this gentleman many times and never had a real conversation. Today, for whatever reason, he approached me and we started talking.  The subject of my panic disorder came up almost immediately and that's when the talk took an interesting turn.  He confessed that he has also suffered from anxiety and other issues since he was young.  He took Zoloft at one point, then was switched to another drug that worked better for him.  He also currently takes the same .25 Xanax pills that I take. 

We shared our experiences with things and it was interesting to hear how someone else handled thing.  What was especially funny about the conversation, was what he said at the end.  Right before walking away, he mentioned that he used to think about how he could deal with it all when he was younger, but time went by and now he's 79 years old.  Mind you, he had no idea what I was going through after last night, wondering how I was going to get through the rest of my life with these attacks. 

The whole conversation reminded me of the 'God Winks' book that I have.  The premise of the book is that god talks to us all the time in our lives, we just don't realize it.  It explains that God uses all sorts of methods to get our attention or send us messages.  'God Winks' is filled with stories like mine from this morning.  I highly recommend that book to anyone, it helps make sense out of our crazy world. 

As for the weight loss, things seem to be going well.  I am keeping to my diet and working hard, so I hope that there will be even more weight lost by Friday.  Time will tell, but I have a good feeling!  I can see that big Wegmans truck on the horizon!!!

09/08/2008

Proof positive!  After spending a week on vacation and enjoying all sorts of good foods, I still lost 3 lbs!!!  I expect that total to improve even more by the end of the week, as I drink lots of water.   All that good food has sodium in it, which probably caused me to retain at least a couple lbs of water.  I actually had a western omelet with egg beaters yesterday, as well.  We went out to breakfast to celebrate my mother-in-law's birthday and that's what I ordered.

I confused a western omelet and a Spanish omelet, so I was surprised when it came with the ham.  Even so, the calories weren't bad and I chose to eat it.  I forgot that there was a ton of sodium in ham, plus restaurants tend to use a lot of salt in general.  Anyway, I expect to also bring in a good number for my weight loss on Friday as well. 

I'm very happy that even with the retained water, I was still able to lose 3 lbs.  That's awesome and it feels really good.  It also felt good to go to the gym and hit the weights again.  While I was gone, more people donated food and when I took all the donated food from Gold's gym to the food bank, it totaled 40 lbs!

09/07/2008

Tomorrow is the day I see if my weight loss philosophy is right or wrong.  I have said since the beginning, that it doesn't take a diet of only super-healthy, low calorie foods to lose weight.  I believe that it is totally possible to enjoy potentially unhealthy foods every now and then, as long as you watch the portion size and calorie content.  Losing weight seems to be based on one specific principle- you must consume less calories than you burn with your daily activities. 

Eating foods high in saturated fat or following a diet that doesn't have a balance between carbohydrates, protein and fat is probably not the healthiest thing to do... but you can still lose weight.  Personally, I try to balance my daily menus to keep things as healthy as possible.  I am not only trying to lose weight, I'm trying to give myself a whole new lifestyle. 

So we'll see how things go on the scale tomorrow.  I'm really hoping for the best!

Yesterday, Andrea and I came home from Cape May and the trip was unbelievable.  It was seriously the worst car trip of my life.  We left Cape May during Tropical Storm Hanna, which meant I had to drive through torrential downpours and intense winds that were pushing the Jeep from side to side.  It was especially freaky, because the windshield wipers couldn't clear the window fast enough and I could barely see in front of me.

Then we got to the Walt Whitman Bridge in Philadelphia and things took an awful turn for the worse.  I had been dreading the bridge because of the low visibility and the heavy winds.  It just kind of freaked me out.  What I never anticipated, was my Jeep conking out on me. 

Right as we began climbing the bridge, the engine stalled out.  I was in the left lane, next to the guardrail, and there were cars all around me.  It would have been impossible for me to pull over to the side, leaving us in a very dangerous spot on the bridge.  I knew if we came to a stop, it would set the stage for a bad accident because of the low visibility. 

All I could think to do was shift into neutral, turn the car off and try to restart it.  Luckily, the car came back on.  I was instantly aware that something was still wrong, because nothing happened when I pressed the gas pedal.  When I pressed it to the floor, the car would only get to about 40 mph.  There was also a weird warning light blinking on the dashboard.

I was able to get over the bridge and into Philadelphia, but every time I pressed the gas pedal, the car jerked like crazy and it still wouldn't go over 50 mph.  We stopped in the parking lot of a store and I tried turning the car off completely and then starting it again.  Nothing changed.

So there we were, stuck in Philadelphia with a bum Jeep (a 2007, I might add, that's already been in the shop for electrical problems 4 times).  The tropical storm was blasting Philadelphia at full strength and my anxiety level was through the roof.  That light kept flashing on the dash and I didn't know what to do.

I made the decision to do what I could to try and get back home to Allentown.  The car kept jerking and shaking violently, but it was still somewhat drivable.  I realized that when I pressed the gas pedal, there was a two to three second delay before the car reacted.  Keeping that in mind, I jumped on the Northeast Extension and coaxed the car back to Allentown.  It was a very scary trip because of the way the Jeep would shake, the fact that I couldn't go above 50 mph and the uncertainty of whether or not we'd make it.  I later learned that the warning light meant there was a problem with the electronic throttle-control system.

Both Andrea and I prayed the whole time and we made it home safely.  My anxiety level stayed through the roof all night and I ended up using two Xanax pills to prevent a full-blown panic attack.  Even today, I've been very anxious and I had to take one of my Xanax pills to calm myself.  No matter how hard I tried yesterday and today, my coping skills weren't able to bring me back down. 

It's actually been bothering me a whole lot.  I still don't understand why I am not able to control my panic attacks.  I read about thousands of other people around the world who can do it, but here I am, still relying on my little Xanax pills.  And I worry about becoming addicted to them.  My doctor told me that at my very low dosage, I wouldn't get addicted.  Even so, I still worry and after reading some of the internet sites about Xanax, it gets me nervous.

What if I never completely get rid of the attacks?  What if I can't do it?  It is technically possible for me to lose weight by dieting and exercising, but I have absolutely no control over the attacks.  I can't seem to get that out of my mind.  I do believe that I can limit them in the time they affect me with my coping skills and medicine, but I can't beat them completely.  My doctor told me that if I wasn't afraid of having an attack, I wouldn't have one.  But no matter how hard I try, I can't make them go away.  I must be doing something wrong and I don't know how to change it.

God, I hope this weight loss works out.  With no job, panic attacks continuing and a baby on the way, I'm really freaking out over here.  I want to have a normal life and I want to do everything I can to make sure the kids and Andrea have a happy life.  I'm just having a really hard time making it happen.  

09/05/2008

Today is apparently the calm before the storm.  Tropical Storm Hanna is forecast to hit Cape May tomorrow, bringing with it potentially powerful winds and flooding.   Funny thing is, the weather this morning and afternoon was absolutely beautiful.  Andrea and I spent much of the day lazing around the inn, just relaxing.  She wasn't feeling too well today, so I did my walking alone.

In the afternoon, my stomach also began to hurt for whatever reason.  It's probably because of the rich food I've been eating this week.  Even though it all fit in my calorie restrictions, it was food that I wouldn't normally eat.  Once I head back home tomorrow, I will go back to eating a healthy, well-balanced diet. 

Hopefully, I will find that my little experiment here proved the point that it is possible to enjoy good food and still lose weight.  The foods I ate throughout this week are not my normal food choices, but I have always said that the deciding factor is the amount of calories a person consumes.  We'll see if I'm right or wrong on Monday, when I weigh myself at the VA. 

I'd be completely lying if I told you I wasn't nervous.  As confident as I am in my philosophy, there's a part of me that is screaming in my head, "What are you doing?!?!?  What if you're wrong?!?!?!"   No matter what that scale says, I will be leaving all my food choices in the blog.  It can either be proof that it is possible to indulge in good foods if you watch your portions, or validation for the people who think I'm going about my diet the wrong way. 

Sure, it would be super-embarrassing to gain weight and be proven wrong for the whole world to see.  But sometimes it's important to take big risks like this.  Putting my struggles on the internet for the whole world to see was a big risk in itself, but it's resulted in a huge win for the food banks.  I have no regrets.

Friday's Calories    

----------------------------------------------------

Breakfast- 

1. Two small servings of broccoli and cheddar strata / 280 calories

2. One bigger sausage link / 125 calories

Lunch-

1. A quart of wonton soup / 440 calories

Snack-

1. Five whole wheat crackers / 125 calories

Dinner-

1. Four ounces of a ribeye steak / 335 calories

2. Half a crabcake / 200 calories

3. A quarter cup of roasted potatoes / 50 calories

4. A quarter cup of steamed green beans / 30 calories

Total Calories Consumed- 1585 calories

Total Distance I Walked Today- 4.15 miles

09/04/2008

I've done a lot of thinking about this Weight Watcher's thing.  As much as it hurts me to see them taking credit for my idea, it's never really been about any kind of fame or notoriety to me.  It's just the principle of the thing.  I told them my idea and asked for their help.  They weren't interested and never even gave me the courtesy of a reply.  Now, 9 months later, they're doing the same thing and claiming it to be their own creation.

It's frustrating to read a news article about how wonderful and innovative Weight Watchers is all of a sudden.  At the same time, it's flattering to think that I could do something that would influence the actions of a huge organization that's been around for 40 years.  Wow!

In the end, they're going to make a large donation that will feed a lot of hungry people.  My goal has always been to use my situation to benefit others, to use my weight loss as a was to make sure hungry people had food to eat.  So I look at the whole thing like this- let them take all the credit, just as long as they make that donation.  Feeding the hungry is a lot more important than my pride.   

To change the topic, Andrea and I enjoyed another wonderful meal tonight, courtesy of our friend, Jack Wright.  Jack is the publisher of Exit Zero magazine and gave me my start in journalism.  He allowed me to submit a historical article to him four years ago and after I did, he immediately offered me a spot with the magazine.  I wrote for Exit Zero for almost a year, when my life took a very unexpected turn and I had to walk away.

After a two year hiatus, Jack welcomed me back to Exit Zero with open arms.  He said he liked my passion for writing, saw potential in my work and took me under his wing.  His advice and guidance has been invaluable to me and I will always appreciate his faith in my ability to tell a good story. 

Anyway, I got a text message this afternoon from Jack, telling me that he wanted to treat Andrea and me to a nice dinner at The Ebbitt Room.  It was a really nice gesture and I happily accepted.  The Ebbitt Room is a super-fancy restaurant with an upscale menu and a master chef that puts out some amazing dishes.  Andrea and I don't get the opportunity to eat at a place like that too often, so it was a real treat.  That hanger steak was one of the best things I've ever eaten!

Thursday's Calories    

----------------------------------------------------

Breakfast- 

1. A homemade carrot, spice and raison muffin / 150 calories

2. One hard-boiled egg / 70 calories

3. Half a sausage patty / 120 calories

4. Three ounces of fresh fruit / 40 calories

Lunch-

1. Four sea scallops / 100 calories

2. Half a puff pastry / 80 calories

Snack-

1. Three slices of pepperoni / 90 calories

2. Five small cubes of Swiss cheese / 120 calories

3. Four whole wheat crackers / 80 calories

Dinner-

1. One dinner roll / 110 calories

2. Sweet corn chowder with a lobster cake in the middle / 240 calories

3. Six ounces of marinated, grilled hanger steak / 220 calories

4. Four ounces of risotto / 180 calories

Total Calories Consumed- 1600 calories

Total Distance I Walked Today- 3.7 miles

9/03/2008

Andrea and I moved from the Bedford Inn to the Queen Victoria today, to switch from my work mode to a relaxation mode.  To be completely honest, it was also super-relaxing at the Bedford too.  Even though I was there to do research for my article, I had a fantastic time.  The innkeepers/owners are a wonderful couple named Archie and Stephanie Kirk and we were treated like a part of their family. 

The neat thing is, I watched them interact with the other couples at the inn and they treated them just as warmly.  It was a really nice experience and we will be going back at Christmas time.  The Queen Victoria is another of our favorite inns, which is why we picked it for our anniversary stay.  The innkeepers/owners are Doug and Anna Marie McMain, who put their heart and soul into the inn.  Plus, they're supporting me through Donate My Weight!

After Andrea and I checked in to the Queen Victoria, we unpacked our things and moved our car to the parking space.  When we came back, we found a beautiful gift leaning against our pillow.  They took a very nice print of the inn and surrounded it with matting, along with a tag noting it was our first anniversary.  It's really nice and I will include a picture when I get home.  

Tonight we had dinner at a very popular restaurant called The Washington Inn.  It's kind of a fancy place, but this was our anniversary dinner and we wanted to do it right.  I ate more than I normally would (even with splitting my meal in half for lunch tomorrow) and my daily calories are 300 higher than my regular 1500. 

I'm a little bummed out, but it was a great experience and the food was outstanding.  When it was time for dessert, they brought our dishes out with a candle in each one.  The best part was that the words 'Happy Anniversary' were hand-written on the edge of the plate in chocolate.  It's one of the neatest things I've ever seen and I wish I had a picture of it.  Too bad we both left our camera phones at the inn.

I don't think the extra 300 calories will hurt me, especially with all the walking.  I love taking those morning strolls along the promenade.  There's nothing like the sight of the ocean, the sound of the waves crashing down and the salty air to start your day off right.  I hope we will be able to move down here permanently one day.  Only God know if that will ever happen and no matter how many times I ask, he just won't tell me.  I guess time will tell...

Wednesday's Calories    

----------------------------------------------------

Breakfast- 

1. A homemade blueberry muffin / 150 calories

2. Three ounces of eggs Florentine / 230 calories

3. Fresh melon and honeydew / 40 calories

Lunch-

1. An Egg Beater omelet / 90 calories

2. Two slices of whole wheat toast / 160 calories

3. Five ounces of home fried potatoes / 200 calories

Snack-

1. Three whole wheat crackers / 60 calories

Dinner-

1. Two dinner rolls / 220 calories

2. Salad with a light honey Dijon dressing / 60 calories

3. Half a crabcake / 200 calories

4. Three broiled scallops / 100 calories

5. Four ounces of mashed potatoes / 150 calories

6. Two ounces of green beans / 60 calories

7. A half cup of coconut sorbet / 170 calories

Total Calories Consumed- 1860 calories

Total Distance I Walked Today- 4.0 miles

09/02/2008

Today was nice and hot, so of course we decided to take a 3 mile walk.  Blah.  By the time we were done, I was all sweaty and sore.  But at the same time, I'm really glad we did it.  Sometimes I need a little extra push to get me up and moving around. 

I've been kind of anxious today, but not as bad as before.  I did get some sharp anxiety hitting me tonight, but I took my medicine and I feel ok again.  It's  crazy how much it affects me and I wish I didn't let it have such a huge impact on my life.  I'm just having a really hard time with it right now.

My mom and my sister alerted me to something that kind of shocked me today.  Apparently, Weight Watchers has taken my 'Donate My Weight' idea as their own.  They renamed it 'Lose For Good' and of course, my name is nowhere to be found.  They even used my '- and =' thing (see it here) on their logo, which they trademarked in July of 2008.   Funny thing is, I also trademarked 'Donate My Weight'...  in March of 2008.

It's frustrating, because I wrote them a letter in January, asking for their assistance and explaining my 'Donate My Weight' idea in detail.  I really hoped for their assistance, because I believed that their participation could really help make a difference.  I never received a response from Weight Watchers and now, 9 months later, they're doing the exact same thing.   Considering that Weight Watchers has been around for over 40 years, it seems a little suspect that they're doing this now.

I really am very happy that they're going to donate, because it will help a whole lot of people.  That's the most important thing and it shouldn't matter who gets credit for the idea.  But there's a part of me that looks at 'Donate My Weight' as my baby and it feels like they stole it from me. 

As promised, here are today's calories-

Tuesday's Calories    

----------------------------------------------------

Breakfast- 

1. Two ounces of Blueberry Strata / 100 calories

2. Two small breakfast sausage links / 140 calories

3. A homemade peach granola muffin / 150 calories

4. Fresh fruit on a skewer / 40 calories

Lunch-

1. Half an order of veal marsala / 400 calories

2. Half of a plain baked potato / 85 calories

Snack-

1. Two small zucchini bars / 150 calories

Dinner-

1. Cut pieces of focaccia bread / 160 calories

2. Four sea scallops in light sauce / 150 calories

3. Half a small, plain baked potato / 70 calories

4. Two ounces of coleslaw / 100 calories

Total Calories Consumed- 1545 calories

Total Distance I Walked Today- 3.15 miles

09/01/2008

Greetings from Cape May!  Andrea and I are down here, enjoying a week of relaxation.  I realize it probably sounds silly that I'm on vacation, since I'm not working right now.  The thing is, we scheduled a 3 night stay at the Queen Victoria  B&B (and paid for much of it) a long time ago, to celebrate our first anniversary. 

I'm also doing some research on a beautiful old inn called the Bedford, for an upcoming article in Exit Zero.  I figured that since I was already down here, I could put the two together and avoid making a separate trip.  It saves me money on gas and extends our time in Cape May, which is always a good thing.  Between the Bedford and Queen Victoria, we'll be down in Cape May for 5 nights, staying at two of the resort's top B&B's!  That rocks!!!

As I do every night, I just finished reviewing how I did on the diet today.  While I was sitting here counting my calories, I came up with an idea that I want to try.  Maybe it's a little crazy and maybe it will turn out to be a huge mistake, but here it is...

People are often surprised at some of the things I eat, because I don't necessarily stick to 'diet food.'  My philosophy has always been that calories are calories and if I eat less than my body needs to function, then I will lose weight.  It's the basic principle behind almost every successful diet and as crazy as it seems, it is totally possible to lose weight while eating delicious foods. 

I'm going to try and prove it's true by doing something I've never done before.   While I'm in Cape May this week, I'm going to make my food choices public and post everything here in my blog.  I will enjoy good foods that would probably not be included on any traditional diet, but I'll be sensible about it and focus on portion control.  I'll count calories like always and if I'm right, I will lose weight this week.

Since I'm away from home, I can't get to the gym and I won't be able to do traditional exercises.  To compensate, I'll walk as much as I can and use www.mapmywalk.com to track how far I go.  I'll also post that number on here after every day.

Remember, I came to Cape May weighing 360 lbs.  I go home on Saturday and I'll weigh myself on Monday.  This could either validate what I've been saying about diets or blow up in my face.  I guess we'll see...

Monday's Calories    

----------------------------------------------------

Breakfast- 

Skipped it because we drove to Cape May

Lunch-

1. A half-pound of steamed shrimp / 225 calories

2. One dinner roll with a little butter / 110 calories

3. A little salad with a small amount of ranch dressing (I finished Andrea's) / 75 calories

Snack-

1. Three homemade chocolate chip cookies / 180 calories

Dinner-

1. A cup of Manhattan clam chowder / 145 calories

2. One dinner roll with a little butter / 110 calories

3. Half an order of veal marsala / 400 calories

4. Half of a plain baked potato / 85 calories

5. A half-cup of corn / 60 calories

Total Calories Consumed- 1390 calories

Total Distance I Walked Today- 2.5 miles

08/31/2008

It's Labor Day today and I had a really great day!  Andrea, her dad, the kids and I all went to Uncle Dave and Aunt Linda's house for their annual picnic.  It was a terrific time and the food was sooooo good.  Luckily, I didn't go overboard. 

The coolest part of the day was when I shot basketball with Andrea's dad, Joe.  It's been many years since I even held a basketball, let alone tried to shoot it.  But it didn't go too badly and we all had a lot of fun.  I made a critical mistake four or five times, though.  I tried to run after the ball when it went off the court. 

It's a force of habit and when I saw the ball rolling away, I ran after it without thinking.  Each time that happened, I ended up flying onto the ground, out of control.  For one thing, I'm still having the unsteadiness and vertigo, so I kept losing my balance whenever I moved too quickly.  Even worse, I forgot that I weigh 360 lbs and I can't stop on a dime anymore.

So every time the ball rolled away and I ran after it, I picked up this great momentum and then I couldn't stop.  Add to that the dizziness and I kept tumbling to the ground.  It really had me frustrated for awhile, because I couldn't get myself to stop doing it.  It's just a reflex to run after the ball.  Anyone who's ever played basketball would react the same way and it's difficult to stop.   

I did get over it though and I shot basketball some more with the kids.  I think they enjoyed themselves and I was shocked to see little Alexandra hit 5 baskets in a row.  Pretty amazing for a 7 year old who's never played basketball.  There was another fantastic moment this evening when I felt a panic attack starting to come on and I was able to completely control it.  I used my skills and it went right away.  Then I took my medicine and was fine the rest of the night.

08/29/2008

Believe it or not, I'm still feeling all dizzy and getting the vertigo.  It's been over 4 weeks and here I am, still dealing with this.  There are days that it feels like it's getting better and then all of a sudden, blam, it's back.  I don't get it.  The vertigo feelings were really bad yesterday and again this morning.  My head took an especially good spin this morning while I was on the phone with my mom.  I put my head back and before I know it, I was on a merry-go-round.   

It really gets me upset, because every time I get all dizzy or feel the vertigo, my anxiety kicks up hardcore.  I have been using my Xanax pills nearly every day for the past couple weeks.  I realize it's only a very small dose and all, but I worry about getting addicted to it.  Xanax is supposed to be very addictive and even though my doctor told me it won't be a problem at my dosage, I still worry.

Some days I have to use two pills, one in the morning and one later in the day.  Technically, my prescription says to take them twice a day, as needed for Xanax.  There's also the fact that my doctor told me to use two pills when I have an attack, but it still worries me.  I did get a little comfort when I read on the internet last night that most people use between 1 mg and 10 mg's daily (each pill I take is one quarter of one mg).

Anyway, my anxiety has been really kicked up for the past weeks and it's taking a big toll on me.  Just like the vertigo, some days I feel good and others, I feel terrible.  It seems like many of the past days have been the latter.  Like last night, when I sat in my chair, contemplating how I was going to live the rest of my life like this.  The anxiety felt like a heavy blanket over my mind, smothering me. 

I'm pretty sure if I took the pills the way I was supposed to, the anxiety would be a little easier to handle.  But again, I worry about the addictive nature of the medicine.  No matter how many times my doctor tells me that it's not a concern, I still can't shake my worry.

In other news, I weighed myself today and I didn't lose a stinking pound.  It stinks, if you ask me.  I've been back on my diet the past week and I hit the gym, but still at only 100 lbs lost.  Not even one little pound more. I've hit a huge plateau and it's making me crazy.  There's a whole lot of people watching me and it seems like I was going so strong and then just fizzled out.

But I'm not going to quit and I'm not going to give up. I'll just keep working and eventually the weight has to come off.  I have a big week coming up in Cape May with Andrea and I'll have to be on my best behavior.  It can be a great experience, if I walk a whole lot and keep my calories in check. 

Andrea and I planned the trip a year ago, to celebrate our first anniversary.  I am also going to be doing some research for an upcoming article in Exit Zero.  The city should be a little quieter since the summer season is over, so I will be able to take lots of walks.  I just hope I feel better by then.  I'm not real optimistic though.

08/27/2008

It's been a nice day so far, knock on wood.  I returned to the gym and it felt great to be there.  Everybody made me feel welcome and it was really cool.  I hit the treadmill and worked my butt off for over 45 minutes, which was beautiful!  Then I came home and found out the family wanted to go to the Allentown Fair again today, so I agreed to walk over with them.

We walked over to the fair last night too.  It was lots of fun for everybody.  We all won candy at Andrea's favorite fair attraction, the candy game.  I gave mine to Alex and if I'm not mistaken, it's already gone.  But it's ok, the kids don't eat candy often.  It was a special treat for them.

I used my online walking distance thingee (Map My Walk) to figure out that we walked about a mile and a half on today's trip to the fair.  It's a nice walk and good exercise, especially since I had already walked for 45 mins on the treadmill.  I should sleep well tonight!

Yesterday was a very special day for Andrea and me.  We finally told our family and friends that she's pregnant!  Andrea and I have known for awhile, but decided to keep it quiet until we saw the baby's heartbeat.  We hoped to avoid what we went through last year, when Andrea had that miscarriage and we had to tell everyone we lost the baby.  It all went down exactly a year ago and her projected due date was very close to our current date.

So we had a doctor's appointment yesterday and Andrea was given an ultrasound.  Not only did we get to see the baby, we got to hear the heartbeat!  It totally blew me away, hearing that baby's heart and knowing that I was partially responsible for creating it was amazing.  God-willing, everything will work out well this time and we will have a beautiful baby boy or girl!

I've had so many emotions flowing through me ever since I heard the news.  I worry that I won't be a good enough daddy or that I will mistakes, which I imagine is probably normal.  Then there's the fear that something will happen to Andrea or the baby and I am also extremely worried that I'm not working yet.  At the same time, I'm so excited about the new edition to our family and it's hard to contain my enthusiasm. 

The baby is due in April, which is extremely coincidental, because that's about the time I had hoped to end my Donate My Weight campaign.  I originally wanted to lose all 230 lbs in 2008, but I faced some setbacks and I realized it just wasn't enough time to get it done.  So, I projected that I would end the diet between March and April of 2009.  Now, I will be finishing one phase of my life and starting a new one, all at the same time!  I only wish my dad was around to be a part of this, he would have loved to see it all.   

08/26/2008

I never got to the gym yesterday, because I got side-tracked at the VA Clinic.  I mentioned the dog bite to one of the nurses and as soon as she heard the dog wasn't vaccinated, she insisted I be seen by a doctor.  The same nurse rearranged her schedule to see me right then and there (nurses see you, then the doctor), which I really appreciated. 

She also explained to me that they are required by law to report the incident to the Department of Health, so I had to fill out a questionnaire about what happened.   The nurse went over the whole process with me and what could happen as a result of the bite.  I just figured it wasn't a big deal because I didn't have some huge open wound.  It turns out that if the skin is broken at all (I had 5 open sores from the bite) the dog's saliva can transmit diseases.

I had to wait an hour and a half until the doctor was available, but she was absolutely wonderful.  Part of the reason for the long wait was because she was on the phone, trying to find out as much as she could about Department of Health procedures.  She explained things in a little more detail and prescribed me antibiotics that I have to take for the next 10 days.  She also set me up for a tetanus shot, which my friend, Joan, administered right away. 

The doctor told me it wasn't up to her if I had to get the rabies shots or not, the department of health makes that call.  The fact that the dog was never vaccinated for rabies might be the deciding factor.  I really hope that doesn't happen, though.  The rabies shots are not one or two, but a series of 20 separate shots!  It gets better, because they are administered on different days, directly into the muscle!

That stupid dog!  In other news, the diet seems to be going well and I am keeping my calories in check with no slip-ups.  I had to knock on wood right after I wrote that, because I can be ridiculously superstitious sometimes.  Well, technically, I knocked on my head.  I know, I know, wood for a head, but it's a silly habit I picked up when I was a kid.  I don't really know where it started.

08/25/2008

I'm back, baby!  I was able to drop those two pounds again over the weekend, so the past three weeks that I've been sick aren't going to hurt me and I'm poised to start dropping those pounds again!  My ear still feels a little stuffy, but the vertigo is much better and my belly has calmed down.

I have to take the medicine and use the ear drops for another week, then I should be 100% normal again.  I will be happy about that because my anxiety level has been so high the past weeks and I'm using my Xanax pills almost every night.  I had previously been able to get myself to a place where I only needed them once a week, if that, so the backslide in the anxiety was making me feel pretty terrible. 

Last night I was at a birthday party for my nephew, Alexander, and the anxiety came on strong.  I didn't expect it, because my brother and sister-in-law live in the house I grew up in, so it was a place I normally feel very comfortable.  And it was a fun party with lots of laughter and good times, so my mood was high.  Plus, with all the great food they had like the grilled burgers and the birthday cake from Wegmans, I was able to stick to my diet and I ate a Lean Cuisine meal. 

Everything seemed to be going great and then pow- panic attack starting to come up.  I took my medicine and sat down for awhile, using all the skills my doctor taught me to stay calm and control what I could.  It all worked out and I held the attack at bay, but it made me feel bad that I can't seem to move on and beat the attacks. 

I am normally ok with that and I understand that things could always be so much worse, but in the heat of the moment, I get depressed and feel sorry for myself.  It's kind of similar to what I go through when I eat something I shouldn't and give in to temptation when I know I shouldn't.  Immediately after I eat whatever it is, I feel like the biggest loser in the world and I beat myself up.  Then I feel sorry for myself because I have such a problem with food.

It's not until the next day, that I realize that it's just a fact of life and millions of other people out there are going through the same things as me.  I also remember that one setback isn't the end of the world and there's no reason to beat myself up.  Too bad I can't remember all that when I'm feeling so badly.

I almost forgot to mention the real excitement of this weekend!  I woke up this yesterday morning around 6am, because Andrea had gotten out of bed and I guess it distracted me from my sleep.  As I lied there in bed, I heard all sorts of sirens and what sounded like a lot of people yelling outside.  I remember thinking that it sounded close to us, but I was tired and I figured that I could check it out later.

Right about then, Andrea burst into the room and told me that Bill's house was on fire (Bill is our next door neighbor).  To give you a little perspective, we live in the middle of Allentown and our house is the only one on our block that's not a connected row-type house.  It looks kind of odd, because there are 4 connected homes on one side (including Bill's) and five or six on the other.  But  it seems that our house was built over 100 years ago and it's set back from the others, so we have a front yard where the houses sit on the other properties around us.

Anyway, I walked out the door and there was smoke everywhere.  My neighbor, Bill, burst out of his door and came over to our property to see what was happening.  We later learned that the fire had started on the other end of the homes , but began spreading through the roofs, which caused the smoke to pour out of all 4 homes.  There were fire trucks all over the place and more firemen than I had ever seen in one place.

When all was said and done, they were able to save two of the homes, which is a pretty amazing feat.  I really believed that they would all be lost, but the Allentown FD fought one heck of a fight and they did a great job.  They did have to cut ventilation holes into all the roofs of the buildings, to prevent the fire from spreading, but the majority of the damage was contained to the two homes on the end. 

In the midst of everything was going on, I approached one of the neighbors to see if we could help with anything.  I reached down to pet her golden retriever and like a flash, it bit me in the hand.  It happened so fast and the dog managed to get the first three fingers of my left hand in its mouth, before I yanked my hand back.  I thoroughly expected to see my fingers hanging off, but luckily for me, the dog is old and the teeth weren't that sharp. 

It was more of a crushing thing, though the dog did break my skin in four or five spots.  There's red lines down two of my fingers where I pulled them out of the dog's mouth, scraping against the dog's teeth.  Since her house was on fire, I couldn't really make a big deal out of the bite, but it hurt like crazy.  And to make matters worse, the dog has never had its shots. 

So I'm not sure what to do with that, but I poured peroxide all over my hand and covered the openings with Neosporin.  We'll see what happens, I guess. 

08/22/2008

Today's been a rough day, I gained back 2 lbs over the past two weeks while I was sick.  It's kind of de-motivating and feels pretty terrible, but it wasn't entirely unexpected.  I am happy that I'm back on the diet and I will soon be able to exercise.  Speaking of being sick, I spent the morning at the VA Clinic.  The vertigo never went away completely and actually got a lot worse in the past few days.

My ear has also begun to ache pretty badly, which is why I went back to the clinic.  I was seen by a different doctor this morning and he diagnosed me with an ear infection and an inflammation in my sinus.  He explained that without antibiotics, it probably wouldn't have gone away on its own.  He also told me the infection was causing my vertigo, which in turn, was making me so queasy all the time.  I wish they would have realized that three weeks ago, but what can you do, you know? 

Anyway, he prescribed me steroid ear drops with antibiotics right in them and told me to continue on the Claritin for the sinus issues.  He said that I should be back to normal by Monday, which is awesome!  The ear drops feel kind of funny, like there's water in my ear.  I'm happy to feel it too, because it means they're in there and working their magic. Woo hoo!

I'm come to the conclusion that I made the right decision the other day with the guy yelling at me and I'm really glad there was no confrontation.  It would have been such a silly thing and I'd have set a terrible example for the kids.  The thing is, I didn't want a confrontation to begin with, I just didn't want to feel like I backed away because I was afraid.  Being a guy can be so complicated sometimes, with all the macho nonsense.

So to sum everything up- I'm 2 lbs heavier, but on my way to feeling like myself again, looking forward to lifting some weights and feeling better about the kind of person that I am deep down inside.  It's hard to walk away from a fight without feeling a little emasculated, but it was the right thing to do.  I guess I'm not such a bad guy after all.

08/19/2008

Pictures from the wedding are starting to come in and as proud as I am of my part in the ceremony, I don't like the way I look at all.  I think I look huge, just like I did before I lost any of this weight.  Here are a few of the shots-     Maybe this is the incentive I need to keep myself on track, as I come to this difficult leg of the journey.

I am coming off three weeks of being sick (still feeling all dizzy and a little nauseous) and it's hard to get myself back into the groove of things.  I weighed myself yesterday and I was a few pounds heavier than before, which really threw me.  I'm not going to get myself all excited until my official weigh-in on Friday, but I'm worried about gaining a few pounds back. 

It's not going to change anything I'm doing and it certainly won't cause me to give up on this challenge, but it would be a kick in the teeth.  Oh well, I guess there's no use worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.  Even if I show a pound or two heavier, I will keep working hard and I'll be in the negative again soon.  I'm not going to stop until I see 230 lbs on the scale!

On a different note, I encountered some nastiness on my way back from the VA Clinic yesterday.  I'm still not sure how to take it and I keep going over the whole thing in my head.  The gist of it is this- I inadvertently cut in front of someone as I turned from a stop sign.  I thought it was a 4-way stop and it wasn't, though his truck was well before the intersection and I had plenty of room.

The driver of the other car beeped the horn at me and I gave the customary wave, acknowledging I made a mistake.  I thought that would be it, but I came to a stop light and I  began to hear all this yelling and profanity coming from my open window.  I looked in the rearview and saw the other driver acting all tough and yelling at me, basically challenging me. 

I had both of my kids in the car with me and luckily, their windows were closed, so I don't think they heard anything.  Throughout the entire red light, this guy kept yelling at me and making comments about me.  Part of me wanted to yell back at him or to get out of my Jeep and go tell him to shut his mouth, while another part of me wanted to ignore the whole thing and hope it would go away.  In the end, I tried to ignore it and drove away when the light turned green.

I realize that was the mature thing to do and it makes the most sense, considering the kids were in the car with me.  The problem for me is that I can't figure out if I did what I did because I thought it was right or because I was afraid of a confrontation.  There was a time when I would have jumped out of the car without a second though, anxious to prove how tough I was and settle the score.  Now, it seems the fight is all gone and I don't know what to think about it.

I don't want to be an animal and I'm not some sort of tough guy, but I do want to feel like a man.   I understand that the impetuousness of my youth is long gone and I have grown into a mature adult, but I still want to feel like I can take care of myself.  I don't know why I drove away without a word, but it's just one more thing I need to work out.

08/17/2008

It sure has been a crazy weekend!  I married my brother-in-law and his new wife on Friday, then we celebrated into the night.  Everyone met up again on Saturday for a nice brunch, then spent the day talking and sharing stories.  As the two of them headed home to prepare for their honeymoon cruise to the Bahamas, some unexpected drama unfolded at our home. 

I'd rather not talk about the whole thing, but believe me when I say it through the household into an uproar.  Things are just starting to calm down now and I'm looking forward to a good week.  I just hope I do well on the scale and I hope this darn vertigo goes away. 

I had a really good day yesterday and I thought I was getting better, but today was not so great.  I woke up dizzy and stayed that way all day.  The vertigo spells have died down, but if I turn my head in the wrong direction, it feels like I'm looking at the world through an aquarium.  None of that really bothers me much, but it causes my anxiety level to go through the roof and that makes me extremely uncomfortable.

 I get right to the point of a panic attack over and over, with my medicine bringing me back down.  Sometimes the medicine doesn't work completely and though I don't have an attack, I feel like my mind is racing a mile a minute and I can't stop it.  I hate that. 

I do have some awesome news to report.  My house is literally crammed with Mexican food (one of my weaknesses, next to Chinese food) and I managed to stay away from it all today.  Andrea's brother's new in-laws came to PA for the wedding and hosted the Rehearsal Dinner at our house this past Wednesday.  His new mother-in-law cooked a ton of authentic Mexican food and we got all the leftovers. 

We have green chili, red chili, frijoles (pinto beans), tortillas, bunuelos (fried dough), crepes and Spanish rice, all of which was homemade.  There's also like 5 lbs of ground beef, cheese, sour cream, bags of tortilla chips, bags of Fritos, containers of ice cream, chocolate sauce, butterscotch sauce, whipped cream, and a ton of taco stuff like onions, tomatoes and lettuce.  Now, for a guy who considers taco salad to be a gift from God, this poses a dilemma.  Would I be able to say no to it all and stick to my diet?

Turns out the answer was yes!  I stayed strong and I made it through the rain, like Barry Manilow says.  Good Lord, I just quoted Barry Manilow.  Oh well, woo hoo!!!

08/15/2008

Today is a very special day, because I have the honor and privilege of marrying Andrea's brother and his girlfriend.  When I got ordained through the Universal Life Church over 10 years ago, I never thought I'd actually use it.  Then last year, after Andrea's brother announced he was engaged, they asked me to be the minister at their ceremony.  I feel so honored that they chose me to do this and I'm really excited.  I hope all will go well and they will have a wonderful life together. 

On the diet front, I'm sure I will eat some foods at the reception that are off my diet radar, but I am going back to the gym on Monday, regardless of how I'm feeling.  It's going on three weeks that I've been sick and I can't keep putting this whole Donate My Weight project on hold.  I'm thrilled that I have been able to keep things even and not gain weight, but at the same time, I've got 130 more lbs to lose.

It's starting to be obvious to me that I won't meet my goal by the end of 2008, that it will take a little more time.  I'm ok with it and I hope everyone will understand that life threw some obstacles I wasn't expecting.  I am sure I can hit the 230 lbs by Spring of next year.   Don't get me wrong, I'm still shooting to lose all I can in 2008 and it would be incredible to hit 200 lbs lost by the end of the year, I just don't know how realistic or healthy that goal is.

08/14/2008

Well, today is one of those  bland, middle-of-the-road .  I'm still dizzy and lightheaded, but the vertigo seems to be getting a little better.  And I weighed myself today as well.  The good news is that while I have been sick the past two weeks and not sticking to the diet like I normally would, I haven't gained any weight.  The bad news is, I haven't lost any either. 

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Right after I finished typing that first paragraph, I got up from the chair and I was playing with my stepson, Jordan.  I don't know exactly what happened to cause it, but the whole room started to spin and I fell backwards onto the ground.  I just laid there on the floor and it was like I was sitting on a boat in choppy seas.  Even now, my head feels like it's in a cloud, bouncing from side to side.

That one really threw me for a loop.  Literally... hahaha.   I figure if I can't change the whole situation, I might as well find some humor in it.  I'm like a 360 lb aquarium, when I walk around, the water sloshes back and forth in my head.  Plus, it's like I'm on an ocean cruise 24/7, only without all the great buffets... haha!

In other news, I am heading back to Cape May on Tuesday, to do some final research for an article.  It was an impromptu thing and we didn't plan it, but my new deadline is Wednesday night and I need to get more info.  The people who owned the hotel I'm writing about (it was demolished in 1996), also own another Cape May hotel and they found room for us Tuesday and Wednesday night.  The kids are super-excited because they get to play in the pool and at the beach. 

08/12/2008

Blah, still dizzy, but I am feeling a little better.  I talked to my doctor yesterday and he told me to stay out of the gym until the vertigo is gone.  He said that were I to go back and work out, I would only make it worse and prolong the recovery time.  How ironic that when I actually want to go to the gym, I can't. You know, this whole thing is kind of funny when you think about it.

I have been putting on all this weight for over 10 years and now that I am finally trying to do something about it, all heck breaks loose.  There was no vertigo when I was sitting in front of the tv, inhaling a large pizza with everything.  I had no headaches or earaches when I was eating my weight in Chinese Food with a bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups for dessert.  And there was certainly no stomach flu when I was polishing off a bottle of Jack Daniels alone in my bedroom. 

Yikes.  I was trying to make a point there and when I went back to read what I just wrote, it occurred to me how bad things had gotten.  No matter what happens to me now, at least I have moved on from that terrible point in my life.  I have this sign hanging up in my downstairs bathroom that I bought in Cape May.  It says, "It's a wonderful life" and I see it every day.  Each time I read it, I think about how true that saying is.  Some days I have a hard time remembering it, when the panic attacks or depression over my weight get me all twisted up inside. 

It really is true though, life IS wonderful.  Outside of all the issues I'm dealing with, I know it's true.  God throws each of us these obstacles, things we have to overcome to be stronger people.  I really believe it and I feel like all of this is my personal challenge.  It reminds me of something I once read, " God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

08/11/2008

Guess what?  I'm still dizzy and still having the vertigo symptoms.  I hate the fact that this is taking forever to clear up because it keeps me anxious nearly all day.  I know it could always be a whole lot worse, but I am in a complaining mood.  Maybe 'grumpy' mood is a little more correct.  Oh well.

I am back on the diet full-swing today, hopefully I won't get myself sicker.  I'm a little leery of going back to the gym, because the last time I did that, I made myself worse.  I'm going to call my Dr today and find out if it's ok.  I haven't gone crazy with food over the past week and a half, but I haven't counted my calories either and that scares me.  I really need to get going here!

With or without exercise, I will drop any retained water I gained and hopefully, all will be well with my weight.  I'm not even going to go in and weigh myself today.  It would only make me feel bad about myself and that's not productive.  I have a blood test scheduled for Wednesday and I will weigh myself then.  I fully expect to be at least a couple pounds heavier than 360 lbs when I do weigh in, because on a guy my size, retained water weighs a lot. 

Figure that if a person weighing 260 lbs has enough fat cells to retain 5+ lbs of water, then a guy weighing 360 lbs with many more fat cells can retain much more.  On the same token, in 3-4 days, I can flush it all out of my system and feel good again.  Because of being sick, my total weight lost for August is officially 0 lbs.  I need to work hard to change that!  Plus, after I lose 15 more lbs, Wegmans makes their first donation!

08/09/2008

I'm still having the vertigo symptoms and I'm still feeling like garbage, but it seems to be getting a little better.  I'm hoping that I can completely recover over the weekend and  hit the gym running on Monday.  I feel horrible about things right now and the diet has taken a backseat while I am trying to get better.  Seeing my weight increase, even though it is most probably all water weight, is a crushing blow.

I refuse to call it quits and I refuse to give up on myself or the many people who rely on Second Harvest Food Banks.  Consider these past two weeks, with the stomach flu and the allergic reaction to God-knows-what, a temporary setback.  I will rebound like I always do and by the end of August, I hope to bring in a nice number for weight loss.  Because of all these back-steps, I have decided to cancel my 'cheat days' until the first week of September, when Andrea and I will be back in Cape May for our anniversary. 

Come Monday, assuming all is well with me, I will bounce back like a hurricane and I won't slow down until I get myself back on track!  I don't know if I can hit 115 lbs lost in the next three weeks, but I'm going to try.  I know it's a bit of a stretch after being sick the past two weeks, but I'm still going to work for it.  Wish me luck! 

08/08/2008

Well... it turns out that my doctor doesn't think the vertigo and other symptoms were from the viral infection.  According to him, that was just bad timing and I am suffering from an allergic reaction that's affecting my inner ear and sinuses.  Andrea, the kids and I came back from Cape May last night and I saw the doctor this morning. 

Since my last post on Tuesday, the vertigo symptoms have continued to increase and now my throat is hurting.  My ears are also getting sore, I'm getting headaches constantly and my sinuses seem to be clogged.  I feel like I'm falling apart, ha!

None of the symptoms bother me that much that I needed to see a doctor, except for the vertigo.  It was really throwing me off and I was in a state of near-constant anxiety with panic attacks coming on every night.  I used Xanax to help control them, but it was all getting out of hand.  My doctor examined me and said that it seems to be an allergic reaction to something.  He found my throat and ears were all irritated with some sort of clear fluids draining, which means that it's not an infection, apparently. 

So the gist of the whole thing is, he prescribed allergy medicine to me and he thinks that will clear it all up in a couple days.  If that doesn't work, he's going to prescribe me something called Antivert, that treats the vertigo.  He thinks that is being caused by fluid in my ear and he said the allergy medicine will dry up the fluid.  We'll see. 

I was extremely bummed out to weigh myself at the VA and find I was heavier than 360 lbs.  I knew I would be, because since I've been sick, I've been trying to eat more and help keep everything in check.  Losing 100 lbs probably through off my immune system which opened me up to getting so sick, so I figured the extra food would help me get better so I could jump back on the diet.  Anyway, I had pizza and spaghetti yesterday, both of which absorb a ton of water and cause water retention, so I figure the extra weight is probably from there. 

Whatever.  I've been sick for over 2 weeks now and I just want to feel normal again, so I can start dropping those pounds again.

08/05/2008

The vertigo has continued today and actually been a little stronger.  I feel much better, however, because I received a call from a gentleman named John Marino.  He's a nurse at the Allentown VA Clinic and he was returning my call from yesterday.  John explained that it was still the viral infection causing problems and it could take a week or so to get out of my system. 

He said that even though the earlier symptoms of running to the bathroom are gone, the infection is still there and it's causing an issue in my ear that is throwing off my balance.  John was awesome with me and he took the time to explain everything.  I am very grateful that he called me back and was so compassionate about things.  I feel so much better about the symptoms, now that I understand what they are.  Incidentally, my throat is getting sore too, so this thing is running all through me... haha.   Maybe because of the diet and such, my immune system is a little off.

I'm down in Cape May with the kids and I experienced the vertigo twice while laying on the bed and again, as we were taking in a trolley tour of the historic district.  It got very spinny, but I was able to keep calm because I knew what it was.  I did still get a little anxious and I wasn't able to calm myself completely, so I took a Xanax pill before the anxiety got out of hand.  That was definitely the right choice and it kicked in before I got all crazy. 

I take the smallest dosage they have, since I hate medicine and am actually afraid of anything that could take away my control like pain meds or tranquilizers.  It's a tiny pill, but it helps a tremendous amount and allows me to continue to function.  I just re-read the previous post from yesterday and I can tell it was a tough one for me.  I wrote that post immediately after the medicine started to kick in, so it was as true to what I was experiencing as possible. 

In the midst of all those feelings and emotions, it's hard to remember that there's always tomorrow and the bad times are just temporary.  I wish I could remember that at the time...

08/04/2008

It's early in the morning and I am just going over in my head what happened yesterday.  Every time I have an attack, I go over and over it in my head and try to figure out what caused it.  I think of all the medical possibilities like diabetes type 2, but then I realize that if that were the case, it would get better with my weight loss, not worse.  I also considered my viral infection (stomach flu) from last week could have gotten into my ears and that could cause the vertigo.

Though that is a possibility, it would eventually go away on its own and there's no reason to panic over it.  There's so many medical things I go over in my head and at the end of the day, it's probably just another symptom of my panic disorder that doesn't want to go away quietly.  Maybe it's all the pressure of this diet and the whole Donate My Weight campaign getting to me.  I don't mean to sound sorry for myself, I'm not.  Believe me.  A big part of me wonders if the panic disorder and all my weight gain is some sort of cosmic karma, getting me back for the bad things I've done in my life.

They say things come back to you like that and maybe, this is the world's way of punishing me.  Then again, maybe it's just one of those things.  I like to think that it's part of the grand design, that it all happened for a good reason.  I believe that each of us are put on this Earth for a purpose and that while we're here, we're supposed to learn certain lessons to improve ourselves.  Lord knows, this whole thing has been an unbelievable learning experience for me.

I don't know.  Maybe I'm being too philosophical about the whole thing and trying to find a purpose behind something that could be entirely random.  At the end of the day, I'm  a lucky guy because it could always be a whole lot worse.  I could have a terrible disease, or some other affliction worse than panic disorder.   Plus, I have a great family to support me, all my friends who have been there in the good times and bad, some wonderful memories that I hope I never lose and the possibility of a bright future.  There's always hope!

08/03/2008

Another week, another chance to  lose weight.  I'm feeling better and not hitting the bathroom over and over like I was, but I still feel like my balance is a little off.  Plus, I had a nasty bout of vertigo this afternoon that really through me for a loop.  I was sitting in my chair in our living room, when all of a sudden, everything started to spin.

It lasted for a couple minutes and then went away, though I still felt shaken for over an hour afterwards.  The big problem for me was that it caused a terrible panic attack that I struggled to keep under control.  I was all good at first, but then I felt the whole process beginning.  I used my skills and told myself I was in control.  That helped calm it down and it actually stopped. 

I was so happy I beat the attack and then 10 mins later, it came back stronger.  This time I started to get all the feelings, like the indescribable sensation that I am out of control and I can't do anything to stop it.  It feels like the world is closing in around me.   I told myself over and over that I was in control and it was just a panic attack and I could stop it, but I still had that powerful urge to 'escape', along with the hopeless feeling.  I also had the terrible thought that I couldn't take the pain anymore and one day, I was going to lose control and 'go crazy'.

That is especially troubling for me, because losing control of myself or losing my sanity is one of my biggest fears.  My doctors tell me it would never happen and the whole core of panic disorder is the fear of not being in control.  Like they've pointed out a bunch of times, I've had hundreds of panic attacks over the past 10 years and I never lost control of myself once. 

Even so, it scares me when that fear crosses my mind, because I don't think rationally in an attack and there's a part of me that believes it could happen.  I took a .25 Xanax pill after the hard sensations and I did my best to contain it.  I ended up pacing in the kitchen again because I felt all that adrenaline rushing through my body and I didn't know what to do with myself.  Then I kind of passed out for a half hour or so until about an hour after I took the Xanax.

I was feeling the panic sensations coming back at that point (though not as strong as before), but I was thinking rationally again and I reminded myself that I didn't have to feel like that anymore.  So I broke another .25 Xanax in half and took that.   It's about a half hour since I took the second medicine and I'm starting to feel better.  Everything would hit my strongly for a couple minutes until I could stop it with the tricks my doctor taught me, but then come back again in 10 minutes.  That must have happened 3 or 4 times throughout the whole ordeal and each time it came back, I felt like it wasn't ever going to stop.

 I hate panic disorder and I don't understand why I can't completely get rid of it.  Other people seem to be so successful and here I am with two different kinds of medicine and I underwent all that therapy with a really good specialist, but they still keep coming back.  Between the weight and the panic attack, I feel like a prisoner in my own body sometimes.  I just want it all to go away so I can feel normal again.  

08/01/2008

I have to admit that I am a little ticked off today.  I went to the Allentown VA to weigh myself and my stinking weight stayed exactly the same.  I just don't get it.  All week, I was sick as a dog with the stomach flu.  I only ate more than 1200 calories 3 out of the past 7 days because my belly just couldn't handle more.

It's true that I only worked out at the gym one day, at my Dr's orders, but I would have thought I'd lose some weight from the low calories and from being sick.  Apparently, that was not what happened.  I just don't get it.  I'm 15 lbs away from that first truckload of food from Wegmans and it's taken me forever to hit the mark.  God sure must have a good sense of humor...

In other news, I'm starting to feel more like myself again as each day passes.  I'm still a little light-headed, but not too much anymore.  My belly feels much better and I only have a few cramps sporadically.  Boy, that was an awful feeling though.  I'm glad it's over with and I will certainly do whatever I can to prevent it from happening again.

Next week, Andrea and I are taking the kids to Cape May for a few days and I can't wait!  I do love that city and it is really hopping at this time of the year.  There's such a great energy down there during the height of summer and I am really looking forward to introducing the kids to the Cape May that I always remember.  They've been there at the beginning of June and at our wedding last September, but there's a special magic in the beginning of August. 

There's a different kind of feel at Christmas time too, but that's more of a romantic, cozy type of thing.  The weather is very cold, with a bone-chilling wind coming off the Atlantic.  Hundreds of Victorian houses and businesses are decorated for the season.  At night, all the Christmas lights and the gas-lit streets illuminate scenes that appear to have leapt off the pages of a Charles Dickens novel.  There's an indescribable scent of Christmas that permeates the entire town, a sumptuous aroma of sweet treats, lavish buffets and the perfume of burning wood from dozens of fireplaces.

If I ever see my dreams become reality, I will turn Donate My Weight into a non-profit foundation and headquarter it in Cape May. 

07/30/2008

I'm still feeling like garbage.  I wasn't dizzy or light-headed this morning, but I chose to walk to the store with the kids because it was only 4 blocks away and I felt a little better.  That was a dumb choice.

I was standing in the store when my head started to swim again.  I tried to pick out the things I needed quickly and then headed right back home.  I'm going to relax for the rest of the day and hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.  Someone, either Andrea or the nurse, suggested that the sickness might be hitting me harder because of the diet and exercise program I'm on.  They pointed out that I am eating much less calories than I normally would and maybe my immune system is a little sluggish. 

It totally could be the problem, but I just want to get better.  I feel like a big leech, sitting around all day letting others take care of me.  I should be up working, doing all the stuff around the house that needs to be done.  I just feel so unproductive lately.

The diet's been interesting the past week because my calories are on a roller coaster.  My calories have only been around 1000 a day for most of the week, because my body won't allow me to eat more.  The first day I was sick, I only hit 975.  Yesterday, I hit 1500 because of all the Gatorade.  I'm worried about the scale on Friday, though, because I have been eating a lot of chicken soup and wonton soup.  It's all my stomach could handle without sending me to the bathroom in a sprint.

The problem is, it's all loaded with sodium and so is the Gatorade.  I know I am retaining all kinds of water and even yesterday, the scale showed me three pounds heavier than on Friday.  I'm not so worried about gaining weight, because there's no possible way I could have done it.  I'm more concerned that it will be the same or higher on Friday because of water weight and I will end the month like that.  I really wanted July to be a good month for me with the weight loss. 

07/29/2008

Today's been interesting... I spent most of the morning and afternoon in the doctor's office.   I woke up twice in the middle of the night because I was not feeling well. Then this morning, I woke up very dizzy and light-headed.  Since it's been 4 days from when the symptoms started, I called my doctor.  They had me come right in to see the doctor.

Aside from not feeling well and being dizzy, I was frustrated.  I had started feeling better yesterday and I thought I was over everything.  I even went to the gym and had a kick-butt workout.  Turns out, that might have been what made the symptoms worse again.  My doctor told me it was probably a viral illness and the best thing I could do was take it easy.  He told me to stay away from the gym for a week, which I will gladly do. 

All that dizziness I was experiencing and the light-headed sensations were very similar to the beginning of a panic attack and it kept making me more and more anxious.  None of my coping skills seemed to help me calm down, so I took one of my .25 mg Xanax.  It helped a little, but even now, I'm still feeling out of sorts.

My doctor said the dizziness may be caused by a loss of electrolytes and enzymes due to my running back and forth to the bathroom.  He ordered a series of blood and urine tests, which he will get back tomorrow afternoon.  In the meantime, I picked up some Gatorade and I'm sticking to wonton soup that will sit well with my stomach.  I know it's high in sodium and it may throw off my weekly weight-loss results, but it's what I need to do.

07/27/2008

It's been a nice weekend, though I still feel terrible.  My belly is churning, I have terrible cramps and I can't seem to stay away from the bathroom.  I thought I had some sort of food poisoning but Andrea said she heard there's a stomach flu going around.  I don't know what the cause is, but the effects are not too nice.  I'm hoping things will be able to get back to normal soon so I can feel more like myself. 

Yesterday, we had a birthday party for my stepdaughter, Alex.  It was a really neat affair that centered on a breakfast bar.  Andrea and Alex planned the party for 10am in the morning and everyone was invited to come in their pj's.   I was hoping to help out more with the party, but with me being sick, there was only so much I could do. 

Today is Andrea's birthday and we planned on going out for dinner, but cancelled it because of me being sick.  I'll have to make it up to Andrea some other time, I know she was looking forward to it.  I told her I was taking her to a great local restaurant called the Hanoverville Roadhouse.  On our first date two years ago, I told her I was taking her to the Roadhouse and that's where she thought we were heading.  Not knowing that at the time, I took her to the Texas Roadhouse. 

We still had a fantastic time, but I always wanted to correct that mistake.  I still will, just not today.  Hopefully the next time I write, I'll be over this stupid stomach flu, food poisoning or whatever it is.  I hate being sick.  then again, who actually enjoys it? 

07/25/2008

I hit 100 lbs lost today!  Woo hoo!  It's been a rough road and I know I still have a long way to go, but today's milestone really encourages me.  I am all primed and ready to drop the next 130! 

I had planned on doing some celebrating with the family today (swimming and hanging out, not eating), but it doesn't look like that will happen.  Apparently, I have either a mild case of food poisoning or some sort of stomach flu.  It came on strong around 4am this morning and hasn't let up too much since. 

My stomach cramps hurt so much this morning that I felt like I was about to pass out.  Now, I can take a whole lot of pain normally, so that's saying something.  The cramps have gotten a lot better since this morning, but that's about it.  Oh well, I'm sure this is all part of the big plan and maybe it's God's funny way of stopping me from eating something I shouldn't.  I always believed the big guy has a great sense of humor.

I might not be a fun day but I keep reminding myself, it could always be a lot worse! 

07/23/2008

Good gravy, I am sore again!  I had a nice workout at the gym today and though it wasn't as long as I would have liked, it was tough.  I pushed myself super-hard, because of the shortened time.   Misty says I'm nuts for doing it, but I need to keep trying to reach that next level and this is my big week!  Hopefully, I'll hit 100 lbs on Friday!!!

I met with a reporter and photographer from the Morning Call today for a follow-up interview.  I'm hoping I didn't say anything stupid as I have a tendency to do sometimes.  I wouldn't say anything inappropriate or out of line, but I do phrase things in a bizarre way when I get really nervous.  I say things like, "The weight I lost is nearly 100 lbs."  What the heck is that?

Here's another good one I heard coming out of my mouth in an interview once- "I try to eat food to keep me going.  Food is important."  I literally heard myself say it, knew I was trying to talk about the KINDS of food that I eat, but I just couldn't make it sound right.  Maybe I'll get better at that with time.  Oh well, hopefully I will sound alright.

Andrea and I watched some of my early interviews with different friends and family, which was interesting.  Everyone else seems to notice my weight loss, but I just don't see much of a difference.  I know 100 lbs is a huge loss and all, but when someone's as big as I am, it's hard to see.  It could just be the fact that I see myself everyday in the mirror and have a hard time judging myself.  Either way, it hit me that I'm still really big. 

I guess I'll just have to lose another 100 or so...

07/21/2008

It was definitely a rough weekend.  I don't know why I did that to myself, binging like there's no tomorrow.  I thought I had beaten that demon, but I guess not.  At least I didn't completely fall into my old traps and hide food around the house.  This weekend was a good reminder that no matter how well I do, those old feelings and impulses will probably never completely go away.  It's like an alcoholic that has to remain vigilant throughout the rest of their lives. 

I need to be aware of that and keep realistic about my expectations.  It's just a fact of life.  Luckily, I'm back on the diet strong and I will be at the gym tomorrow.  I don't care how many times I stumble, I won't allow myself to give up.  I will reach my goals no matter how long it takes!

I know there are many people out there going through the same thing as me and maybe all my screw-ups, trial and tribulations can be a positive thing.  Alll my hard times can offer hope for people who have been there themselves or are currently going through what I am.   I won't quit and neither should they.  I'm like the Energizer Bunny, I just keep going and going...

If I would have quit every time I made a mistake, this whole thing would have been over months ago.  It's not about being perfect.  The fact of the matter is, I'm far from perfect.  I'm just an average, everyday guy who wants to make a difference.  I'm honest to a fault, good or bad.  I believe in myself and I believe in a better life for my family and me. 

07/19/2008

I feel disgusting right now.  I just got terribly sick and my stomach is still all twisted in knots.   I don't know why I do these things...

Today is my cheat day, so I decided to plan a trip for everyone to go to Old Country Buffet with me.  I ate so much while we were there, to the point that I literally thought I was going to burst.  I was sitting at the table and trying to hold the vomit down.  And the crazy thing is, every time that I started to feel better, I ate more food.  It's ridiculous and I feel so stupid for letting it happen. 

I don't know why I celebrate two successful weeks of dieting by eating garbage food in mass quantities.  It doesn't make sense.  Each and every time I have a cheat day where I eat a lot, I feel gross.  Not only does my belly hurt and I get all tired and lethargic, but I also begin to feel bad about myself again.  I hate that I get so excited about food.  It's like a drug and I'm addicted.  Once I start with a little bit, I can't stop. 

I've noticed that whenever I eat more than a sensible portion of anything, I start to regret the decision almost immediately and my confidence takes a nose-dive.  I wonder if I'll ever get over the bad feelings about myself that have plagued me since I first put on the weight.  I get to the point where I start to feel better about myself and then a day like today comes along.   I'm such an idiot sometimes.

7 Hours Later-

I still feel like garbage.  I've thrown up three times, the last time being about 10 minutes ago.  It was gross and all acidic.  My throat is raw from the bile that came up.  I feel like I used to feel the day after I got really drunk and I keep thinking the same thought- 'Never again!'

07/18/2008

Well, I didn't lose 7 lbs like I had hoped.  I only lost 4 lbs.  I know, I know.  I should be happy to lose 4 lbs and in a way, I am.  I'm just a little disappointed that it wasn't more.  I really wanted to his that 100 lb mark this week.  It looks like next week will be the week I do it, because I know I can hit 3 lbs by next Friday. 

I'm especially bothered by the fact that I took some shortcuts this week to lose weight and I made bad decisions.  I didn't cheat on the diet, it's actually the complete opposite.  I tried starving myself, thinking that I would lose more weight that way.

Sunday- I ate nothing but a few cups of fruit, about 100 calories all day

Monday- 1300 calories

Tuesday- 900 calories

Wednesday- 1315 calories

Thursday- 855 calories

The whole thing backfired on me and instead of losing more weight, I was lucky to lose the 4 lbs that I did.  Plus, I felt like crap all week.  I had a constant headache and I felt dizzy much of the time.  I was ultra-irritable and probably not that fun to be around.  (Sorry to Andrea and the kids)  I'd be willing to bet that I would still have lost 4 lbs if I ate healthy, maybe even 5 lbs. 

It's a tough lesson to learn, but at least it's better than losing only 1 lb or none at all.  Still, I won't do it again.  It was a miserable week.

07/15/2008

I started out the week with a bang and I am really hoping that I will bring in a good number for my loss this week.  Yesterday, I had a really good workout at Gold's and I am sore as heck today!  I'm eating a little less than I normally would as well.  We'll see if any of that helps me on Friday.

I'm still sending my resumes out all over the place, but no luck as of yet.  It's so stinking stressful sometimes and it makes me feel terrible inside, like nobody wants me.  I am a hard worker and I genuinely try to do a good job at whatever task is in front of me.  I know that I can be a perfectionist and at times, I let the stress get to me, but who doesn't?  I'm far from perfect, but I believe I'm a decent guy and I wish some company would give me the opportunity to prove my worth.

At least I'm not letting all the stress push me back into my old habit of eating to feel better.  It's been a really tough thing to overcome, but I'm getting better and finding other outlets to deal with it.  Writing in my blog helps and so does talking to Andrea.  Sometimes, I just vegetate in front of the TV and try to put it all out of my mind.  That doesn't always work so well, though.

Oh well.  I guess stress is a part of life and we all need to find ways of dealing with it.  I do feel a lot better when I'm writing my articles about Cape May for Exit Zero magazine.  Maybe I should do more writing. 

07/13/2008

It's been one heck of a fun weekend!  On Saturday, we all went to McLean, VA to spend time with Andrea's brother, Sean, and her soon-to-be sister-in-law, Christina.  Christina's family hosted a bridal shower for the ladies, so Andrea's dad, her two Uncles and I had a bachelor's party for Sean. 

We went to a local bar and spent a couple hours just hanging out.  There was lots of drinking, lots of story-telling and lots of laughing, it was a great time!  I drank my butt off, I must have had five or six Diet Cokes.... It was interesting to sit in a bar and celebrate something, but not drink.  I was talking to Andrea later than night and it occurred to me that in October of this year, it will be my 5th anniversary of the last time I had an alcoholic drink.

I don't remember the exact day, but it was in the end of October, 2003.  I went to the bar with some friends and then I came home and finished a bottle of Jack Daniels by myself.  That's the way it was with me, I tended to do most of my drinking when I was at home alone.  Even in college, as much as I drank with my fraternity brothers, I drank more along in my room. 

I really don't know why it was like that, I never set out to do it that way.  The problem was that when I was by myself, I would get all kinds of anxious or lonely and alcohol was my escape.  Some of the closest people to me had no idea and I liked it that way, because it meant I wouldn't have to endure any grief.  Thankfully, my dad knew all about it and with his help, I quit cold turkey. 

More than a few nights, I sat up talking to him on the internet before he went to bed and then again, when he woke up.  I would be up all night and in the morning, I would come over for coffee.  It was a tough time for me, but it also allowed me to get closer to my dad.  He died only a couple months later.

Anyway, that five year anniversary crept up on me and I'm feeling really proud that I have been able to sustain it.  I'll be honest, sitting in that bar at the bachelor's party, I had some pretty strong urges to drink.  But I didn't do it, just like every other time I've faced it over the past five years.  I drank my soda and just dealt with it.  That's about all I can do and it gets a little easier over time. 

07/11/2008

I should have expected it.  I climbed on the scale today and it showed the same number as last week.  I didn't lose one stinking pound.  I know it's been a hard week and I know I have eaten things I should have avoided, but I just didn't think it would hurt me as much as it did.  I'm so close to that 100 lb mark and I can't seem to get the job done.

Instead of getting upset or feeling defeated and just quitting like I would have done before, I'm going to use these hard feelings to push myself to the next level.  I have gotten sloppy over the last month and a half, which has hurt my results tremendously.  I allowed myself to indulge when I should have walked away, I neglected training when I should have forced myself to do the work.... it goes on and on.

The one bright spot is that I didn't gain any weight and I did stop myself from falling into the same old traps of binge eating.  Both are huge pluses and I can build off of them.  I am going to really work as hard as I can to meet my goals and I'm setting a special goal right now.  From today until next Friday, I will lose the final 7 lbs that will take me to 100 lbs lost. 

That's a goal I can meet with hard work and determination, I know it!  Full-speed ahead!

07/10/2008

Wow, it's been a rough week!  There's been some heavy personal stuff going on that's really bothering me, I got turned down for another job I thought I would get, my arthritis in my knees is acting up terribly, my back has started spasming again (I fell last year and hurt my back) and yesterday, my stepson got bitten by a dog and had to go to the ER.

I'm trying hard to stick to my diet, even with all the stressors, but I haven't been completely successful.  I'm not as bothered as I might be, because it will all even out in the end.  I overate on Tuesday, because I was very upset about some new I received the night before.  Even though I overate, I didn't go completely crazy and I didn't go to the store to buy bad food either.  I was actually at the store because I needed something for the kids and I walked right past the donuts and other crap I would have bought last year.

So that's a plus, I guess.  Then, yesterday, I completely lost my appetite and I ate nothing more than a small bowl of Total in the morning and a slice of bread at night.  I need to find a happy medium between eating a lot of calories and eating 300, like I did yesterday. 

In other news, Andrea and I volunteered at a local food bank yesterday.  We helped organize things and we packaged up food for people, according to their family size and what they wanted.  It was a great experience and it gave me the opportunity to see first-hand, exactly who I'm helping with Donate My Weight.  I have done a lot of stupid and bad things in my life, it's nice to know I am doing something now that helps so many people.    

07/07/2008

I had a wonderful weekend and I definitely enjoyed my cheat day on Saturday!  I went back and forth about whether of not I should do it, because of Disney, but I decided to keep myself on schedule and just keep doing what I've been doing.  We started the day by taking Andrea's parents out to IHOP for breakfast.  I hadn't been there in many years, so it was a nice treat and the food tasted so good.  I can almost taste the fluffy pancakes right now... 

In the afternoon, we went to see another movie, 'Wanted.'  It was a fun movie, but not as good as Hancock.  Even so, I had a really good time.  Then, later in the day, Andrea's parents took us to the Outback for dinner.  It was so delicious, every single thing!  We shared an appetizer of cheese fries with bacon that rocked, then I had a burger that was unlike anything I've ever had before.  

The burger has pieces of onion from their famous blooming onion appetizer (which I LOVE) with the sauce they serve with with blooming onion.  It was out of this world!!!  As I'm writing this, it occurs to me that I may have an unhealthy obsession with food.  I don't know how to feel about that.

On one hand, food is the reason I'm in this mess and much as I'd like to think otherwise, it hasn't exactly been my friend over the years.  On the other hand, I love food and that probably will never change.  I just feel like I can't go through life trying to deprive myself of something I enjoy so much.  Not only would I most likely fail, I'd also live a miserable life.

I realize food isn't everything, but neither is a vacation to the beach, going to see a movie or a night out on the town.  Even so, people really enjoy those things and it wouldn't make sense to say they could never do them again.  Why can't the same thing be true of food?  I know it's hard to say no sometimes and stay in control of things like food choices and portion sizes, but it's not impossible. 

I feel like the idea of 'all things in moderation' is the way to go for me, I am still just a little unsure of myself.

07/05/2008

Yesterday was a great day!  Andrea and I celebrated the Fourth of July with her family and had a blast.  We started the morning with Andrea cooking a big breakfast for the kids, her parents and me.  Then, we all went to the movies.  Andrea, her dad and Alex went to see 'Kung Fu Panda,' while her mom, Jordan and I went to see 'Hancock.'

The movies were playing at the same time, so it worked out very well.  Afterwards, we headed up to Andrea's Aunt and Uncle's house for a big Fourth of July party with the family.  We had to drop the kids off at their dad's house on the way, since his family was also having a party, but I'm sure they had a really nice day and that's the important thing. 

Up at Uncle Greg and Auth Cheryl's house, there was all sorts of good food and drinks.  Though the pool was open, the weather was rainy and dreary, so it wasn't exactly ideal for swimming.  What might seem like a disappointment turned into one of the best parts of the day for me.  Because of the rain, everyone either stayed indoors talking or hung out together on the deck, under the large tent. 

Now, to explain why that was the best part of the day for me, I have to tell you a little about Andrea's family.  If I had to describe them in one word, it would be 'close.'  They're the kind of people who genuinely enjoy spending time with each other and they do it all the time, holiday or no holiday.  Any one of them would give the shirt off their back for another. 

Aside from the special events and family vacations, on any given weekend you'll find a group of them together, watching sports or playing cards.  They'd probably be surprised to hear me say it, but they're as close to the ideal family as you're going to get.  Sure, there's arguments and disagreements that come up, but it's not long before they work through whatever the issue is and move on.  Their attitude is that no matter the problem, at the end of the day they're still family and that's what matters.

The togetherness stems from the special bond between Andrea's dad and her two uncles.  Starting when they were kids and faced the devastating loss of their mother, the three brothers supported each other through the good times and bad.  And while others in the same situation might stick to themselves, they chose to welcome new members into their family.  They married, had children, formed close bonds with friends, etc.  Everyone was welcomed with open arms, including me. 

From the day that Andrea first introduced me to her everyone, they treated me like I was one of the family.  I'll never forget it either, because I was especially nervous about what they'd think of me.  I was about 470 lbs at the time, really ashamed of what I let myself become and my confidence was shot.  But instead of being taken aback by my size like I expected, it was as if they didn't notice.  They treated me like a real person and there wasn't even a hint of anything out of the ordinary.

That was the first time in a long time, that I felt like a normal person and I actually forgot about my weight.  Now, I'm not so foolish as to believe they didn't detect my size.  It would be like literally trying to ignore the elephant in the room.  What was so great about that day was the way they treated me, just like my own family.  My family had always been very supportive of me as well, though I rationalized that they were my family and they had to. 

But there I was, with a group of strangers who I had never met before, and they were treating me just like people used to treat me before I gained all the weight.  It was an amazing thing and it's been that way ever since.  Along with the support from my own family and my beautiful wife, their continued acceptance has meant the world to me.  The true backbone of the Donate My Weight project isn't me, it's all the people who are behind the scenes, rooting me on and supporting me. 

From my mom, nana, brother and sister to my wife, kids, in-laws and all my aunts and uncles, I've been blessed.  Some say that the only real treasure in this world is family and that being the case, I'm loaded! 

07/03/2008

I'm still a little bummed out about the job situation and the disappointment yesterday, but I did get some awesome news today.  I weighed myself a day early, because the VA Clinic will be closed tomorrow for July 4th.  Even with my family's trip to Disney World and all the great food we had down there, I lost another 2 lbs! 

The perfectionist part of me is still a little bummed I didn't lose more, but I still feel awesome that I came back losing weight, instead of gaining it!  It gives me hope for the future, when I try to maintain this lifestyle change after all the weight is gone.  I have proven to myself that I can go on vacation and enjoy myself without gaining a ton of weight.  Truth be told, I did a whole lot of walking and other exercise to offset the food, which was another plus. 

It's a good lesson to learn for later.  When I eat something I normally wouldn't eat, I need to make sure to exercise and stay active.  I won't be depriving myself from good foods, I'll just be limiting the times I indulge and counteracting it with exercise.  It reminds me of that old axiom- everything in moderation.  The future looks a lot brighter when I don't have an expectation of depriving myself for the rest of my life. 

07/02/2008

So... I just got turned down for another job today.  I have been going crazy trying to find something and I keep hitting brick walls.  I had a good bite on a job and even had an interview yesterday.  Unfortunately, I didn't have the experience they were looking for, according to the e-mail I just received from the recruiter.  Part of me wonders if there was something else, maybe I got a bad recommendation from someone or maybe I just didn't project myself well in the interview.

Sometimes my lack of confidence is really apparent, no matter how I try to cover it up.  That could be the case here.  Either way, I still don't have a job and I still am not providing for my family.  In the meantime, I am keeping up with Donate My Weight and still trying to drop lbs.  We will see if I've been successful tomorrow, or if my time in Disney World really set me back.  I hope it didn't, but I just don't have a lot of faith right now.

The way I see it, I'm unemployed, overweight and squaring off with panic attacks again.  In the meantime, there's all this stuff going on around me and I feel like I keep dropping the ball with things.  I'm trying so hard to keep everything positive and stay on course, but it seems like every time I make progress in one part of my life, I face setbacks somewhere else.  Life can be so overwhelming at times. 

07/01/2008

Last night was a tough one for me.  I had been super-tired from the trip and I fell asleep on the living room floor with the dog, when I was suddenly awoken by the beginnings of a panic attack.  Andrea was in the room and said it looked very strange.  I was snoring one second and the next, I sat straight up and had a strange look in my eyes.

I immediately began using my skills to stop the attack and it worked for a minute or two and then the feelings kept coming back.  I decided to go upstairs and try to go to bed, but once I got up in the bedroom, the anxiety started to get to that panic level.  I kept my cool and told myself that I had control over the attacks, even though it felt like I was utterly and completely out of control.  I also took my medicine, which calms me down, but takes up to a half hour to work. 

I kept using all the techniques my doctor taught me to control panic attacks and after 5 minutes, the feelings went away.  There was still some anxiety for about a half hour, a strong sense that something was wrong, but no more panicky feelings.  I was shaken by the whole thing, so Andrea reminded me that I was able to control things before the medicine kicked in.  As much as I felt like nothing was going to work to stop the attack at the time, I successfully reigned it in within 5 minutes. 

That made me happy and it helped me feel a little better about my ability to stay in control of things.  Even so, I am especially tired and drained today. I know some people would say that 5 minutes is nothing, or that I should be happy it's not worse, but they just don't understand.  The best way I can describe it is to compare the feelings to what you'd experience if you were drowning.

You can't breathe, you can't think straight and you feel helpless.  You have no control over what's happening to you and the world around you seems all distorted.  It's as if a darkness is beginning to smother you and you can't stop it.  That's what I feel, although I'm in my bedroom, not drowning in water.  Panic happens to me anywhere, there's no place I'm safe from it.  That's a very disconcerting feeling and as you can probably imagine, even 5 minutes of that terror can feel unbearable.

06/29/2008

We're back in Allentown and boy, does it feel nice to be home.  Don't get me wrong, it was an awesome trip and we all had a really nice family vacation.  Besides Disney World, which truly is 'The happiest place on Earth,' we also had a nice time visiting my sister and her family in NC.  There were so many neat aspects of the trip, like the fact that it was Andrea's first time in Disney or the first time we took an extended vacation as a family.  Everything went really well.

I can't tell you how glad I didn't give in to my fears about panic attacks or my concern that I would overeat.  I made it through the entire trip with zero attacks and though I did eat things I probably should have avoided, I exercised hard and I don't think it will be a problem.  This whole diet is more of a lifestyle change and I'm sure I will take vacations throughout my life.  It was important for me to learn how to make healthier choices, but at the same time, remember I was on vacation and give myself some leeway.  Now that I'm home, it's back to the grindstone!

06/27/2008

Well, I'm in North Carolina right now and it was a bumpy trip.  My lovely wife, Andrea, drove through the night and we arrived here around 9 am.  As we were still in Florida, I felt that cloud of fear and anxiety start to take over my head.  I tried all the skills my doctor gave me to stop it, but it only seemed to get worse.

The more I tried to reassure myself that I was in control and think about all my previous victories, the worse my feelings got.  I told myself that panic disorder was a fear of fear and if I wasn't afraid of the feelings, the panic would go away.  At the same time, I started to get that unmistakable feeling that I was trapped and had to get out of the car.  The problem was, we were along some quiet highway with nothing around us and about 10 hours of driving ahead. 

I knew I couldn't stop the car and get out, plus I knew that if I did, it would only make the attack worse.  So, I took some of my medicine and kept using the skills my doctor taught me.  I tried to be unafraid of what was happening, but I began to feel more and more out of control and that scared me.  The whole ordeal got really intense at times and lasted about 30 minutes, before the medicine kicked in and I was able to calm down.

I think it was a mixture of exhaustion from the past week, being overly tired from the Animal Kingdom trip and those nagging fears that I have somehow ruined my diet in Disney World.  Whatever the case, it got really rough and even though I was able to prevent it from reaching a full-blown panic attack, it was a terrible experience.  As I sit here and write about the whole thing, it's making me more nervous that it will happen again and I won't be able to stop it. 

Then again, I DID prevent it from turning into a full-blown panic attack and no matter how bad it felt, I kept my cool and everything was ok in the end.  My doctor would tell me that it was a success and maybe she'd be right, but sometimes these successes don't feel as good as they probably should.  I have no choice but to keep fighting the battle, just like with weight, so I guess there's no real use dwelling on it. 

Tomorrow night, Andrea, the kids and I will jump back in the car and head to good-old Allentown, PA.  I never thought I'd be so excited to go home, but it's been 10 days and I'm ready to get back to a normal routine.  I'm a creature of habit and I like my routines.  I also miss my dog like crazy.  Sasha is a 150 lb St Bernard and I can't wait to roll around on the floor playing with her again.  She's my big girl!

I also have to get serious on the job front again and find something that will be good for me.  I have many bills to pay and again, I like the routine of going to work, so I need to make this happen.  I'd still like to find a way to make Donate My Weight a non-profit foundation one day and make a living helping others to lose weight, while raising food donations at the same time.  I think it will eventually happen, it's just a long road with many obstacles I will have to overcome.  It's the story of my life...

06/26/2008

This was our last day at Disney and we finished our trip off with the Animal Kingdom .  To say it is a beautiful place would be a gross understatement.  The foliage everywhere and all those animals make the park an incredible place.  To top things off, we experienced a tremendous rain storm that brought inches of rain, thunder and lightening.  It was truly like being in the middle of a tropical rainforest and though Disney had nothing to do with the storm, it was the icing on the cake for a tremendous trip. 

Before the storm, I continued my routine of getting fast passes for the family while they rode the thrill rides like Expedition Everest and the river rapids.  I walked all over that park and though we were only there 8 hours before the storm forced us to leave, I had one heck of a workout.  It seems that all the popular rides are at opposite ends of the park, but it was ok.  I will have plenty of time to relax and let my legs heal once we go home.

Tonight we will get in the car and drive back to North Carolina, to spend another two days with my sister and her family.  I am proud to say that I made it through the whole trip, so far, without any panic attacks or major problems.  Even though I did eat a bunch of foods off my diet, like the awesome African buffet we hit today, I didn't go crazy and I hope everything will be ok on the scale next week.  I'm still a little scared that I have missed something and I will have a devastating number on the scale.

I guess time will tell and there's really nothing I can do about it now.  I hate that helpless feeling, like I have no control over what will happen and there's nothing I can do to change it.     

06/25/2008

It was back to Disney for us today, when we spent another 11 hours at Disney's Hollywood Studios, formerly MGM Studios.  I loved the park, it's my second favorite of Disney's parks, after the classic Magic Kingdom.  We had a tremendous time today and though I feel even sorer than I did before, it was worth it.

At the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular, I was picked out of over 2000 people in the audiene, to take part in the show!  I got to act like a nut in front of everybody and then I was an extra for the actual stunt show.  It was one of the coolest things I've ever done in my life and I almost missed it, because of panic disorder.  I was very close to staying home when the family went to Orlando, because I was really scared to have panic attacks.  I'm so glad I didn't give in to the fear!

Food-wise, I chose to eat at the 50'S Prime Time Cafe and I ate a grilled chicken sandwich that was out of this world, but I also ate French fries and shared a sundae with Andrea.  I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was so tired and beat down, plus I figured I'm on vacation and I made the decision to do it.  Believe it or not, I don't even regret it.  It tasted fantastic and with all the walking, I needed the extra calories. 

I'm still really worried about what the scale is going to say when I come back, but it's beyond my control at this point and all I can do is try to keep things under control.  Even though I made some questionable choices with my eating, I didn't go crazy and I didn't eat anything near to what I would have done a year ago.  I'm definitely making progress with the diet and regardless of what that scale may say, I am in a good place right now. 

After we came back from the park, I did have some panic attack problems and things got pretty hairy for me.  I used my medicine and the skills my doctor taught me to keep it from turning into a full-blown panic attack, but it was close and the whole thing lasted an hour.  It may seem like an hour isn't that long to someone who hasn't experienced panic attacks or severe anxiety, but an hour can be like torture for someone like me.  It wore me out something fierce and now, beside the pain in my legs, I feel exhausted.  Time for bed. 

06/24/2008

Today we skipped the park and opted to spend the day in the pools at the hotel.  I woke up this morning in a lot of pain and unable to move around much, so it was a welcome break for me.  I did eat some food I shouldn't have, but it wasn't anywhere as bad as it could have been.  I am on vacation, but I still kept my focus on the big picture.  I have decided that I am not going to beat myself up for a few mistakes down here in Disney, I'm just going to keep pushing hard on the diet once I get back from vacation. 

I still hope I don't screw up too badly, though.  I'm very worried about what could happen.

06/23/2008

We visited Epcot today , spending another 11 hours walking around the park and taking in the rides.  Ever since I started having panic attacks, I haven't been much into rides, but I do love the sights, sounds and atmosphere in amusement parks.  I also love the smells of all the different food and I enjoy taking in the shows. 

I ran around the park for most of today, picking up fast passes (Disney's tickets to avoid waiting in line).  We had a great system in place, I would pick up a fast pass for one ride while the family rode another, then meet up with them and give them the new tickets.  By repeating this process over and over, I was able to make sure the family had all the tickets they wanted for the park.  There was one exception, a ride called 'Soarin' that didn't have any passes left when I tried to pick them up.  Well, they did have tickets for 9pm, but that's when we planned to watch, 'Illuminations', the big fireworks show.

That brings me to one huge disappointment, at least in my eyes.  I remember the first time I saw Illuminations, 8 years ago when I visited the park with my parents and brother.  I had been so excited about watching it again and it was something I looked forward to as long as we the Disney trip planned.  It really is something special with lots of fire, lasers, fireworks and music. 

Well, by the time the show rolled around tonight, we were unable to find a good spot to watch it.  Everything close to the lake, where the show is held, was packed with people.  We located a spot behind everyone and Andrea and the kids were able to stand up on top of a raised flower bed to watch the show, but I was too big to climb up there.  It was another example of a reminder that no matter how much I have lost, I still have a long way to go.

Aside from being unable to climb up on the wall, I have been feeling incredibly sore to the point that I feel like I can't walk any further at times.  These 12 and 11 hour days at the park are a huge toll on me and again, even though I have made great progress, I am still over 360 lbs and that's no small obstacle.  My knees and ankles are killing me right about now and we still have two more parks to go.

Plus, I ate foods today that I shouldn't have eaten and I am concerned about keeping to the diet.  Maybe it was unrealistic of me to expect that I could keep dieting at Disney World, but I really hoped I would be able to do it.  Between all the walking that made me hungrier than I have been in months and the fact that we grabbed quick meals on the fly, I haven't been eating as well as I should.  I am afraid to see that scale next week...

06/22/2008

What a day!  Andrea, the kids and I spent a whopping 12 hours in Magic Kingdom , walking all over God's creation.  Today was my cheat day (I hope I can get back on the diet tomorrow, it will be hard to do down here) and we had a really nice dinner at the Crystal Palace.  It was a buffet of all sorts of great food, but the true attraction was the Winnie the Pooh characters that interacted with guests.

Pooh was there, along with Tigger, Eyore and Rabbit.  All the characters stopped by the table to meet the kids, pose for pictures and sign autographs.  It was a wonderful experience and I think the kids had a fantastic time.  I probably ate more prime rib than I should have, but hey, that's what cheat days are for. 

I'm also happy to report that so far on the trip, I haven't had a panic attack!  I'm over 1,000 miles away from home and totally out of my element, but I have been able to keep things together.  There were a few times that it got a bit hairy, but I have my medicine with me and I used all the tools my doctor gave me to diffuse the situation.  I'm also lucky enough to have a supportive and understanding wife who helps me through the tough times.

I guess I'm making progress with the panic disorder, because a few years ago, I wasn't even able to make a trip to Cape May (150 miles away) without having a terrible attack.  During the times I am especially anxious and not feeling right, it doesn't feel like anything has changed.  But when I am able to think straight, I can see my progress.  Hopefully, I will be able to look back on my diet progress in the same way... through skinny eyes. 

06/21/2008

We arrived in Orlando, FL bright and early this morning, after driving through the night.  Andrea did most of the driving, so she decided to take a nap while Jordan, Alex and I swam in the hotel's pools.  It was super-cool too, because the hotel has two large pools with a pirate theme and in one of them, there is a huge pirate ship with slides and water cannons.  The hotel also has a water playground, two hot tubs, miniature golf, an arcade and two restaurants.

Even after Andrea woke up, we decided to spend most of the day out by the pools and everyone had a great time.  I made everyone dinner of spaghetti and my homemade meatballs, which I hope people liked.  I know it wasn't the best diet-type food, but I didn't eat much else throughout the day, so I hope it will even out.  I guess we will see once I go home and weigh myself.  But that's a week away and for now, I'm getting ready for Disney World!!!!!

06/20/2008

I'm in Jacksonville, NC right now, visiting my sister and her family along the way to Orlando, FL.  The trip from PA to here went very smoothly, Andrea and I drove through the night while the kids slept.  All went well until we hit a town called Beaulaville, NC, where we somehow spent 2 hrs driving around looking for the right road.

It's great to see my brother in law, who couldn't make it to our wedding last year because he was in Iraq.  My little niece, Madalan, is getting so big and she is the most polite little 3 year old.  I missed that little girl and it's been great to spend time with her again.  Also great to see my sister, who's been one of my biggest supporters with Donate My Weight.  She gave me a $100 bill for the food bank, which is awesome!

I'll make sure it goes to her local NC food bank, so we can continue to help people around the country.  I'm very happy to report that there's been no panic so far on the trip and I have been able to keep the panic attacks under control.  I've gotten very anxious a few times, but I've been able to use the skills my doctor taught me and things de-escalated.  It's such a relief, but I'm still very nervous about the trip to Orlando. 

I'll be over 1,000 miles away from home and I tend to get very anxious when I feel like I can't go home anytime I want.  It's like a weird control thing, I think, but it comes with the territory.  With regard to the diet, I've eaten some bizarre food choices, but I kept things to under 1,500 calories each day.  For instance, today I had two slices of Dominos Pizza.  Sounds crazy, huh?  That's not diet food, right? 

Ah, but it is.  Since I'm monitoring my calories and saying the heck with the rest of the silly measurements like protein, carbs, etc, I am able to eat whatever I want as long as I keep it under 1,500 calories.  Granted, those slices of pizza were 500 calories total, so they took a big chunk of my day.  But it was a choice I made and I had to eat less the rest of the day to make up for it.  But all is well! 

Tomorrow, we head to Orlando!

06/18/2008

Tonight's the night we leave for Orlando, FL and I am very excited, though also a little nervous about having panic attacks while I'm gone.  Andrea and I have been running around like crazy to make sure we take everything we need for the trip.  We're leaving tonight at 10pm and driving through the night to NC, where my sister and her family live.  We figure that we'll pull into her driveway around 7am tomorrow.

We'll stay there tomorrow and Friday.  Around 10pm Friday night, we'll get back into the Jeep and head to Orlando, FL.  Again, we'll get there early in the morning on Saturday.  We'll stay in Orlando from Saturday until next Thursday, spending much of our time in Disneyworld.  Then, Thursday night around 10pm, we'll make the trip back to NC.  We'll be staying with my sister and her family from Friday until Saturday night, when we'll head back to Allentown, PA.  

It should be a wonderful trip, though it will be a little busy.  I'm more of a relax-at-the-beach kind of guy, who'd rather take the days as they come, without being tied to an itinerary.  I tend to feel trapped or overwhelmed when I have a schedule to follow on vacation and it makes me very anxious.  I'm going to do my best to make sure that doesn't happen on this trip and if it does, I have my medicine to help.  It doesn't completely take the attack away, but it helps me handle them better.

I weighed myself this morning and it seems I lost another pound since Friday.  It's been five days and I only lost a pound, which is super-frustrating since I kept to my diet, but I guess it's better than gaining weight.  Sometimes I just feel like the whole weight loss thing is out of my hands and no matter what I do, the weight will come off when it wants to come off.  I have days when I work my butt off, literally, and the scale just stays the same.  It can be heart-breaking.

Interestingly enough, I am going to have to go without a scale for the next 11 days, since I'll be away from the VA Clinic where I weigh-in and I'm too big for normal scales.  I have a hard time going a few days without checking my weight, so this will be a huge challenge.  Plus, imagine how upsetting it will be to come weigh myself after 11 days and lose nothing or even gain weight?  That will tear me apart if it happens.

Disneyworld is filled with all sorts of sweet treats and amazing food, but I am planning on sticking to my diet the entire trip.  I have my cheat day, which I will enjoy on Sunday, but I need to be diehard about the diet the rest of the time.  I am only 9 pounds away from hitting the 100lb lost mark, so it would be awesome to lose that weight in the next 11 days, but it's probably not realistic.  I feel like the best I could hope for is 5 more lbs gone. 

Assuming I am able to stay strong, stick to my diet and keep up with the exercise (I will be walking miles around that park too), we'll see if my 5 lb estimate is right or wrong when I come back.  It's nice to think of that 9 lbs being gone, but it feels like the fantasizing I do when I buy a lottery ticket.  There's a possibility of it happening, but it's not too likely.

06/15/2008

I was replying to a friend's post on Myspace and I wrote something I really liked, so I'm repeating it here-

"We create our own realities, good or bad. One person looks at life as full of possibilities, while another finds nothing but pain and broken dreams.  Both people see the same world before them, the only difference is the eyes in which they see it."

I received a reply from the food bank in Harrisburg and they are interested in working with me like Philabundance and Second Harvest of the Lehigh Valley.  It's really exciting for me because they have a huge amount of people who rely on their assistance, much like Philabundance and there's just a lot of potential to help people.  Though it's based in Harrisburg, it's really the Central Pennsylvania Food Bank and their coverage area is vast.

Hopefully, things will go well and we'll be able to raise a large amount of food and money for them.  I guess time will tell, but I have a good feeling it will work out well! 

Our trip to Orlando is quickly approaching and with each day, I get a little more anxious.  I'm nervous I will have a panic attack on the trip, because I tend to feel very anxious when I'm away from home and it just snowballs.  It's happened on a lot of my trips to the shore, though I did make it through my wedding and honeymoon last September, without a full attack.  I am really hoping I can control the attacks while I'm gone, but I don't have a lot of confidence in myself that I can do it. 

I'm going to get off the subject because it makes me nervous to think about it... Today's Father's Day and I had a wonderful day with my family!  We actually celebrated Father's Day yesterday, because the kids' biological dad wanted them today, which I completely understand.  But anyway, this is the second year I've been able to celebrate it as a Father and the kids (with Andrea's help) made it extra-special.

They woke me up in the morning with breakfast in bed- an egg white omelet, piece of toast, orange slices and coffee.  Everything was tasty and it was a heck of a way to start the day.  I never had breakfast in bed before, so it was a first for me.  Their present to me was a book that they made with Andrea, which talked about all the things they liked about me.  There were also a couple pages that talked about their favorite memories of our times together. 

It was very sweet and a thoughtful present, I'm lucky to have them in my life.  Oh, and I'm still sunburned from the day before.

06/13/2008

As I sit here in my chair writing this, I feel like I am burnt to a crisp!  Andrea, the kids and I spent the afternoon at her Aunt and Uncle's house again and I braved the pool once more.  I have found a way to use the ladder as a stepping stone, which helps me to climb up onto the deck over the side.  It takes some work and muscle, but at least I now have a way out of the pool!  Yay!

I actually climbed out of the pool three times today, just to make sure I was good to go.  The humiliation of last Sunday is still fresh in my mind and I'm feeling a lot better now that I know it won't happen again.  I wish I wasn't so burned up from the intense sun, but there's nothing I can do about that now.  I even put on 60 SPF lotion before I got in the pool, but the sun was just that hot and we were out there too long.

Oh well, I suppose I will live to tan another day.  I better get used to the sun now, before we go to Disney next week.  It's going to be super-hot down there.  I went to bootcamp in Orlando during the summer in 1993 (15 years ago, good Lord, I'm old...) and believe me when I say that I know all about how brutal that Orlando sun can be. 

Before we go to Disney, we're also stopping a few days in North Carolina to visit my sister, brother-in-law and niece.  My brother-in-law is a Navy Corpsman (medic) and he's stationed at Camp Lejune with a Marine Battalion.  He promised to take us on a tour of the base which will be really fun and will also give me the opportunity tell the kids some of my old sea stories.  That's what Navy men and women call 'war stories' and they're equally as interesting.  God Bless those two kids who will have to put up with all my reminiscing...

Even though I developed panic disorder overseas and left the Navy early, I did still put in a few solid years and I have great memories.  Even my bootcamp and my 'A' School (my intelligence training) left me with some good memories, since I can laugh at all the pain and frustration now.  I also made some great friends and as luck would have it, one of them saw me on her local news in Georgia, talking about Donate My Weight! 

Yolanda Drummings, now Yolanda Beatty, was a friend and fellow student at Corry Station in Pensacola, FL.  After seeing the news story she sent me a message through the website and we were able to reconnect.  In our class picture , I am the fourth from the right, in the back row.  Yolanda is the third from the left, in the back row. 

In other news, yesterday was a very eventful day and my lovely wife escorted me to Harrisburg for the commercial shoot.  It was really neat, they filmed all around the gym and then filmed each of us telling our story to the camera. 

There were a total of eight people that will be used in the spot, though I imagine they will cut and edit whichever of us they feel sound the  best for what Gold's wants to say.  I feel honored that they chose me in the first place, so I won't be disappointed with whatever they choose to do with my footage.  It was a pleasure to meet with the people at the new Harrisburg gym and see what they're doing differently out there. 

One of the coolest things is something they call 'cardio theatre' where they show popular movies on a movie theatre screen in a room filled with cardio equipment.  People can jump on the treadmill and watch 'Rocky Balboa' if they want, which is so wild!  The entire gym was huge and one of the best parts of the whole experience is the way everyone treated me.  Most of the people I talked with before we filmed the commercial had no idea who I was or what I was there for, yet they couldn't have been nicer or more accommodating. 

Everyone went out of their way to make sure I felt welcome and I appreciated that a whole lot.  It can be a little intimidating to walk into a new gym and with many places, it's easy to feel inadequate or out of place if you're not a fitness model or buff-looking stud.  With Gold's in Allentown and out in Harrisburg, I have never felt like that at all and again, I it appreciate more than I can put into words.

My college fraternity, Kappa Delta Rho, also did a really cool thing this past week.  The national office published a nice spread on Donate My Weight for the alumni magazine, which goes out to tens of thousands of people around the world.  They allowed me to write a story about the whole campaign and along with my writings, they included a number of pictures.  It looks great and as soon as I get my scanner working again, I will get a copy uploaded to the site. 

06/10/2008

I woke up this morning and I was so sore from the whole ordeal yesterday.  Plus, on top of everything, I am all sunburned.  I was supposed to work out at the gym with the treadmill and weights, but I was way too tired.  So... I decided to force myself to go to the gym anyway.

It was a good decision and even though I feel all kinds of beat up right about now, I did the right thing and I feel good about myself.  I'm still not happy with the way I look or the problems that come with all this weight, but I have more faith in my ability to get past it all.  Speaking of the gym, I got some exciting news today.

Gold's Gym asked me to appear in their new commercial!  How awesome is that?  I am going to meet with their production crew on Thursday to film it at one of the newer gyms.  When the commercial is ready, it will be shown across the country!  I don't think it will address Donate My Weight, I think it will just be a spot for Gold's.  Even so, I am super excited!

It's amazing to think of where I was before the beginning of 2008 and to consider that only 5 months later, I am appearing in a national commercial for Gold's gym.  Crazy!

06/08/2008

Today was a tough day.  I ended up not going in to volunteer for Radprin, a radio-reading service for the blind, so I spent the day with Andrea and her family.  Andrea, her dad and I all went to see the new Indiana Jones movie in the early afternoon and then we went up to her aunt and uncle's house to swim.

To give a little background, Andrea's aunt and uncle have a nice above-ground pool with a big wooden deck around it.  I wasn't able to go into the pool before, because the pool ladder wasn't strong enough to support my weight.  I did go in one time last year, which is how I found out about the ladder, but I had to do a military maneuver over the side to get out.  I jumped up, kind of flipped in the air and rolled onto the ground. 

It was hard to do at over 460 lbs and it hurt like hell when I hit the ground.  But that was last year and since then, I've worked hard to lose a lot of weight.  I figured that with my 88 lb weight loss, I could go in and get out like a normal human being.  As I soon found out, I was wrong.

I sat on the deck next too the pool and the heat was getting crazy about 96 degrees, so I jumped in.  I floated around for awhile until I wanted to get out.  One foot on the ladder and it was clear that I was still way too big.  I tried to play it off, but her aunt, uncle and dad all figured out what was going on and they tried to give me advice about how I could get out.  No matter what I tried, I was just too large to pull it off.

Andrea's family was only trying to help, but I began to feel so stupid and utterly embarrassed.  At one point, I tried to pull myself up onto the deck, which was about a foot higher than the top of the pool.  I miscalculated how hard it would be to lift 372 lbs of dead weight out of the pool and I ended up scraping my chest pretty badly on the corner of the deck.

So there I was, stuck in the pool and too fat to get out.  I tried to calm myself down and get over the way I was feeling, but it just felt worse and worse.  I finally climbed the side of the ladder with my feet and at the same time, pulled myself up onto the deck.  I could only get up a few steps, but I was barely able to roll myself up and over the edge.  I just laid there like a beached whale, thinking of how absolutely humiliating the whole thing was. 

It was a bitter reminder that no matter how much success I've had and how far I've come, I've still got a long way to go.  I'm still morbidly obese and apparently, I'm still too fat to climb out of a normal pool. 

06/06/2008

I lost another three pounds today, which is cool.  I'm still a little bummed out about not losing more each week, but I guess this is the healthy way to do it and that's good for me in the long run.  I was super-active in the gym this week too, pushing myself harder than before.  I worked out with my friend, John, yesterday and at the end of my time on the treadmill, I bumped the incline up to the highest level it had. 

Oh my God, it was killing me and when I was done, my heart rate was just under 160 beats a minute.  It took me a couple hours to completely calm down from that one, because the feelings you have when your heart beats like that are similar to what happens at the beginning of a panic attack.  Even though I knew the difference in my head, my body was bracing for the worst.

I had an awesome morning today, though.  Jordan and Alexandra invited me to a Father's Day breakfast at their elementary school.  It was so nice, the school allowed the kids to invite their dad (or step-dad) to come in and have doughnuts and coffee.  I enjoyed a nice cup of coffee and some juice, but I let the kids split my doughnut.  After all, I had to weigh-in this morning and a doughnut would have been a really bad idea for me.

This weekend is supposed to be brutally hot, in the mid to upper 90's, which should be nice for sweating out some calories.  Saturday is also my scheduled cheat day, so I'm hoping the heat will help keep me in check.  I'm really trying to lose as much weight as I can before the end of this month, because it will be the half-way mark for the year.  I don't know how realistic it was to think I could lose 230 lbs in a year by using completely natural means and not starving myself.  Regardless, I'm going to do my absolute best to lose as much as I can.

I'm also a little concerned about the end of the month, because we are going to Disney World for a week.  I'm very anxious about the trip in general, because it will take me 1,000 miles out of my comfort zone and I worry that I will have an attack while I'm away.  Plus, there will be so much food all over the place and it will be really hard to keep myself in check.  I have faith that I can do it, but temptation can get tough sometimes.

I also don't know how I'm going to weigh in since we're leaving Thursday night and returning the following Saturday night.  I'll miss two Friday's at the VA scale.  I'd say I could just bring a scale with me, but I'm still too big for most bathroom scales.  That's just another thing that people my size have to think about, but most others wouldn't even consider.  It's like the constant worry about whether I'm too big for a chair at a restaurant or friend's house. 

So I'm 12 lbs away from hitting my 100 lb lost mark with Donate My Weight, though I am actually 105 lbs lighter than I was at my biggest.  I would love to be able to hit 100 lbs lost by the end of June, but I guess time will tell if I can do it...

06/03/2008

It's been a great week so far!  Even though I had a tough day on Saturday, it turned out that the calories I took in were about half of my daily requirement.  After I wrote my previous blog entry, I looked up the calories in EVERYTHING I ate and though I took in far more than 1500 calories, it was still much less than 5,000.  That means that I didn't gain or lose anything on Saturday.  It's pretty crazy, especially since I would have just figured I blew the whole diet in the past.

Instead, I jumped back into the diet on Sunday and worked out extra-hard yesterday and today.  I don't know how much I can make up for Saturday, but I'm going to bust my butt trying!  Even if the scale doesn't give me a nice number at the end of the week, there's always next week.  And since I've ratched-up my workout routine, the weight is bound to come off eventually!

In other news, the anxiety has calmed down a bit.  I have been working on all the exercises my doctor taught me and they seem to help a whole lot.  I still have some tough times here and there, but it's so much better.  It feels like once a week, something brings those panic feelings on and then it's a challenge to try and calm myself.

 I'm also lucky enough to have a tremendously supportive wife who rubs my back whenever I feel especially anxious or panicky.  Plus, I have some little pills that help me calm down.  I take the smallest dosage and it's only as needed, but it makes me feel better after about a half hour of taking one.

06/01/2008

Yikes.  Yesterday was a rough day for me and I made some terrible decisions.  I was just re-reading the blog from last night and it occurs to me that even though I cheated and fell into an old trap of hiding the food wrappers, I didn't keep the whole thing a secret.  I told Andrea about it and I even put it into the blog. 

I know it was still a bad decision to cheat, but it's got to be some sort of progress that I didn't hide the whole thing.  Plus, I'm back on the diet with renewed vigor today.  I'm ready to kick some butt!  This morning I reviewed the workout plan Misty created for me and I tweaked it a little to make it harder this week.  I'm going to do my best to make sure I have a good week.

In the first five months of this year, I lost 85 lbs.  I'm extremely happy with my progress, but I'm also determined to duplicate that success in the upcoming five months.  I'd love to actually beat it, if I can.  If it turns out that it's not possible for me to lose all 230 lbs in this year, then I'll just keep going until I do.  After all, this whole thing is a big change in my lifestyle, not just a diet that I will completely forget about once I meet my goal.

My other goal in the upcoming months is to double my current donation totals.  At the beginning of this diet I was excited about the possibility of donating five tons of food by the end of the year.  Thanks to my generous sponsors, I've already received pledges for over 26 tons of food (it still blows my mind).  I'm raising the bar again and making my goal 100,000 lbs of food or 50 tons, by the end of the year. 

Wish me luck!

05/31/2008

I made some huge mistakes today and I'm really disappointed in myself.  Today wasn't a cheat day, yet I cheated throughout the day.  In the afternoon, I ate a half bag of cheese curls, then I had a few Townhouse crackers.  I intended on having a salad for dinner to make up for my cheating, but I used a new dressing that didn't taste good at all.

So I had a regular dinner with the family, ribs, baked beans and pasta salad.  I even had seconds, though it was a very small amount.  I specifically ate in the other room so nobody would see me do this, just like I would have done in the past when I sneaked food.  But none of this is the worst part.

After dinner, my father and mother in law invited Andrea, the kids and me out for ice cream with them.  I declined because of the diet, but Andrea and the kids went with them.  As soon as they left, I slipped back into another terrible old habit and I went over to Wawa for snacks.  I knew it was a terrible decision as I was doing it, but I just kept going.

I wanted chocolate and peanut butter, or I wanted donuts.  It turned out that Wawa was out of donuts, so I ended up getting two three-packs of Tastykake cupcakes and a Tastykake chocolate brownie.  I know, I know…

I went home and scarfed it all down, then hid the wrappers from my family.  After I was done, I immediately knew I had made a terrible mistake.  I knew I had screwed up in a big way and I let a lot of people down.  The worst part is, I don't know why I did it. 

I've felt off all day and though I couldn't put my finger on it, something just wasn't right. Even though I was able to resist temptation this morning when Andrea's parents took everyone out to Old Country Buffet for breakfast, I felt off my game.  I felt like garbage all day, for whatever reason. 

It was a really hard day for me, for whatever reason, and I succumbed to temptation in a big way.  I just can't believe I did it, especially since I give people advice all the time on how to lose weight.  I did exactly what I warn people against.

I feel terrible right now and though it hurts badly, I'm just going to have to pick myself back up and get right back on track tomorrow.  I will work extra-hard this week to try and make up for my mistakes today and hopefully, it won't hurt my progress too badly.

I'm going to have to do what I recommend other people do and give myself a break, dust myself off and not let this setback stop all the progress I've made.  If I can get through all this, than anyone can.  It's just hard as hell to do.

05/29/2008

This has been a hard week for me to keep things going with my exercise.  I haven't been able to get to the gym at all, so I've had to come up with my own exercise regime at home.  For my weight lifting, I used my Father-in-law's weights next door and for my aerobic, I have done a whole lot of walking. 

On Sunday and Monday, Andrea and I walked about 2 miles through Dorney Park.  We didn't even go on any rides, we solely went to the park to walk because it's a great place to walk around.  Since we have season passes, it's free and the happiness in the air helps me to keep going.  On Tuesday and Wednesday, I walked around Allentown with my St. Bernard, Sasha.

She loves to walk and I needed the exercise, so it seemed like a good fit.  It I step on that scale tomorrow and I don't see at least a couple pounds gone, I will know it is due to water weight or muscle gain.  There's no way I couldn't have lost fat this week, I've really been working hard.

On the other fronts, I'm still looking for a job and I am still getting nervous about our trip to Disney World next month.  Ever since my attacks came back while I was in college, I have gotten all anxious about any deviation from my regular schedule and the thought of being away on a trip scares the heck out of me.  I am extremely nervous about flying, so Andrea and I decided to drive to Florida, stopping along the way at my sister and brother-in-law's house in NC.

I know it's going to be a great trip and I hope it will be especially wonderful for Andrea, since it will be her first time in Disney.  On the other hand, I'm all kinds of anxious that I will have panic attacks and feel terrible the whole time.   

05/27/2008

The weekend went well and I did a good job of keeping my cheat day in check.  I didn't go crazy and I was actually a little more conservative than I wanted to be.  I made cheeseburgers on the grill for dinner, but I tried to be more health-conscious and I used 90% ground beef.  While they were healthier, the burgers were also dry as can be.  I guess there's just no substitute for a good cheeseburger.

Those panicky feelings I talked about on Saturday night lasted for about 3 hours and even though it felt terrible at the time, they were much less intense than others I've faced.  The worst part of it for me is the powerful feeling I get that tells me it will never stop.  During a panic attack or the run-up to an attack, the mind doesn't think rationally and my logic is a little flawed.  I know that the attacks will go away and I'll feel good again the next day, but there's always these nagging thoughts that challenges everything I learned about panic.

My doctor once told me that one of the biggest problems for people with panic disorder, is understanding that just because something feels a certain way, doesn't necessarily mean that's the reality.  I don't mean that in a broad sense, people with panic attacks don't lose control of their actions or ability to know what's right and wrong.  What I'm talking about is that thought of  'This attack is never going to stop' or 'I can't make these feelings stop.'  The reality is, the attacks always end, they have to end because the body can't sustain that heightened state indefinitely. 

Anyway, I'm feeling much better than I did on Saturday and I'm working hard to make sure this last week of May gives me a good number on the scale to add to my monthly total.

05/24/2008

It's Saturday evening and I decided to go ahead with my scheduled cheat day today.  I didn't do anything crazy or go out to eat, instead, Andrea and I had a little barbeque on the grill with a couple of burgers from Wegmans.  Anyway, we're sitting in the living room watching "40 Greatest Reality Show Moments" when I felt those old familiar feelings coursing through my body.

My head started to get all light, my heart began beating out of my chest and my mind was racing.  I immediately took one of my little .25 Xanax pills and went through all the steps my doctor gave me to help de-escalate the attack.  It took about a half hour before I started to calm down again, though I was able to prevent things from getting to the full-blown panic attack stage. 

Even so, it's such a terrible feeling and whenever it happens, I don't have faith in myself that I will be able to prevent the full attack.  I also don't have complete faith in the Xanax and I'm always a little afraid that it will either not help or make things worse.  I just have a really strong fear of medicine in general, the thought of feeling out of control and not being able to stop it scares the hell out of me.  I remember exactly where that comes from too.

In the Navy, I had a couple surgeries on my right hand and near the end of the first one, I actually woke up.  I had been given general anesthesia, but apparently not enough.  I have vague memories of the operating room and as I started waking up, there were people holding me down.  I had made a fist with my right hand and tried to swing at someone, my doctor told me afterwards.

I ripped open all the stitches in the process and undid most of my doctor's handiwork.  They immediately knocked me right back out and the doctor had to do the entire operation over again.  When I finally woke up in the recovery room, all that anesthesia caused some terrible problems for me.  My mind was working full-speed, but my body couldn't catch up and it felt like I was trapped in my own body.

The best way I could describe it would be to say it was like my entire body was paralyzed, but my mind was not.  It was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced and it lasted the entire day.  No matter how much I wanted it to stop, it wouldn't and there was nothing I could do.  Ever since that day, I've been afraid of any medicine that could make me feel that way again. 

So getting back to today, I'm feeling a little rough and beaten up.  Panic attacks and even the mini-attacks like I experienced tonight tend to make me feel extremely tired afterwards.  There's been times it's taken me 2-3 days to recover from full-on panic attacks in the past, but I expect I will feel better tomorrow morning.  As bad as it felt, this one was minor compared to some of the others I've experienced.    

05/23/2008

Today's a big day for me!  I lost another 5 lbs and that means my current weight is 377 lbs!  I'm only 17 lbs away from hitting that 100 lb mark for Donate My Weight, but that's not the reason I'm so excited.  I'm not sure if I talked about it here or not, but 460 lbs was not my heaviest weight, it's what I weighed at the beginning of 2008.  In the middle of 2007, I actually weighed in at 477 lbs. 

That's right, at my heaviest, I was exactly 100 lbs bigger than I am today!  How awesome is that?  I'm so glad I never quit on myself this time, no matter how hard it got.  Now I just need to stay focused and if all goes well, I will hit the 100 lb mark for Donate My Weight in about a month.  I'm also 32 lbs away from Second Harvest of the Lehigh Valley getting their first truckload from Wegmans!

I know that in the coming 7 months, there's going to be many more bad days and other challenges I will have to overcome, but I feel good right now.  And it's all because a little pile of metal and plastic showed a certain number on it's digital screen.  Think of how much differently I'd feel right now if the number came up just a little higher.  Crazy.

05/22/2008

My knees hurt, my back is sore, there's blisters all over my feet, I'm dead tired... and I feel great!  I have really bumped up my training this week and I am hoping it will help with tomorrow's weigh-in.  Even if it doesn't, I'll keep doing what I'm doing because it will eventually make a big difference.

I know I say it a lot, but I am so grateful for all the good people in my life who are cheering me on and helping me accomplish my goals.  My family has been wonderful and I can't tell you how much Andrea has done to keep me going, I couldn't have done any of this without her love and support.  Then there's my trainer, Misty, who knows when to push me and when to let me make my own mistakes . 

My kids don't completely understand what I'm doing, but they have a good idea.  I love to hear Jordan and Alex talk about Donate My Weight, because they say the sweetest things and as kids, they tell it like they see it.  Sometimes I need to hear what they have to say.  Their simply, innocent wisdom gives me the strength to keep going when I am unbelievably hungry and I have no more calories to use for the day or when I work so hard and don't see results on the scale. 

I know there's been a lot of peaks and valleys in my emotions throughout the past 5 months, many more than I originally expected.  Even so, it's all worth it and in the end, I will feel incredible when I meet my final goal.  I've read all sorts of stories about people who've lost enormous amounts of weight and it always comes off as easy to do and not that big of a deal.  The truth is, it's hard as hell and sometimes it can take you right to the brink of falling apart. 

I'm glad I chose to do this blog and chronicle everything I'm going through, because it's paints a realistic picture of the whole process.  Losing weight is a struggle and sometimes, the fight can feel overwhelming.  At the same time, it's entirely possible to win that fight if you never give up.  To be successful, you must accept that there will be great days that make you feel fantastic inside and then there will be bad days that are just as powerful.  Expect that you will want to quit at some points and try to think of ways you can counteract those feelings. 

Plan everything out ahead of time, but don't make your plan so rigid that there is no room for flexibility.  If you do, you'll be setting yourself up for failure.  I guarantee you will will make a mistake at some point or deviate from the plan, you're a human being and that's what we do.  If there's no room for error, you're going to feel like you blew the whole thing and that paves the way for the next thought, which is that you might as well quit.  My mind always went to this one- "Well, I today is already shot, so it doesn't matter what I eat.  I'll start again in the morning."  The big problem there, is that one day leads to another and then to another.  Before you know it, you're completely off the diet and gaining back all the weight you lost, plus some.   

I'm feeling very happy today, grateful for all the blessings in my life.  I wish the best of luck to everyone who is reading this and either planning their own weight loss program or are in the middle of one now.  Don't let the bad days get you down and when all feels lost, just think of the thousands of people around the world who are going through the same thing as you and I.  Have faith in yourself and keep going, we'll beat these demons together.

05/20/2008

I had one of my reoccurring dreams last night, where my dad was still alive.  As the dream goes, the doctors realized they made a mistake the day after they pronounced him dead and they were able to bring him back to life.  Usually I get to talk to him in those dreams and they're comforting until I wake up and realize it wasn't real.  Last night it was the other way around.

He was alive, but I was back in the Navy, serving on an aircraft carrier.  I was thinking about how he had died but they brought him back to life and how lucky I was to have him back, when I found out that he had died again.  It was a terrible feeling and it was so upsetting to go through it all again, then I woke up.  In the haze of the morning, between wake and sleep, I realized it was just a dream and I felt so relieved.  Then it hit me that it was just a dream, he was never brought back to life, and he's still gone.   

On a more positive note, I woke up a little sore today and it was a reminder of my great workout yesterday.  I followed Misty's recommendations for the gym and instead of being ultra-sore like before, I felt really good when I left Gold's.  Rather than going as heavy as I could, I eased back a notch on the weight and did more reps. 

I also didn't punch out that last rep when I was at the point of failure in each set.  That's what I used to do and it's a good way to rip up muscles and build size, but I don't want that anymore.  Misty got it through my thick, stubborn skull, that I need to learn to do things differently now. 

For the workout, I focused on shoulders with three sets of Side Lateral, Military Press and Upright Row.  Then I followed the anaerobic stuff with 30 hard minutes on the treadmill.  It's not exactly the 2 hour gym marathons that I used to endure, but then again, I'm still about 380 lbs.  Plus, I used to really overdo it, which is part of the reason I have arthritis in my wrists, elbows, shoulders, back and knees. 

I'm like a little old lady when it gets rainy out.  I think that will improve as I lose more weight, though.  If not, I'll go buy a housecoat, some Geritol and one of those plastic hair covers to keep my perm dry when it rains. 

05/19/2008

It's bright and early Monday morning and I had the weekend to calm down and think of things logically.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still a little on edge about things, but I'm in a much better frame of mind.  I'm going to hit the gym hard this week, and the next two weeks, to make up for my little slips and stumbles in the past weeks.  I'm also moving my cheat day ahead two weeks to allow me to make up some ground and get myself back on track.

I realized over the weekend that I was wrong in a previous post when I noted that I was still on track to lose the weight by the end of the year.  My two bad weigh-ins screwed things up more than I thought.  Since I can't change the past, I'll just work extra-hard to fix it now.  I talked to Misty over the weekend and let her know my plan.  It's pretty aggressive and would require me to lose a lot of weight in the next 6 weeks (end of June is the halfway point), but it is possible and she pledged to help me however she could.

I'm lucky to have such an awesome trainer and she also threw out another very cool offer.  For everyone who has pledged to donate their own weight along with me, she will provide them with a personalized exercise program and any training advice they need, free of charge.  Considering the price of a personal trainer these days, that is a very generous offer and I really appreciate it.  If anyone's interested, please feel free to shoot me an e-mail at donatemyweight@gmail.com.

So I'm going to try my damndest to drop these extra pounds by the end of June, but if I can't get it done then I will just try to shave them off over the course of the next 6 months.  One way or the other, I WILL meet my goal.  I just hope I don't have to cut off a leg or an arm to get the right number on the scale...  I'm just kidding, I'd never do that.  I've grown attached to my arms and legs.  Ha!

05/17/2008

I didn't follow my own advice again last night and instead of keeping positive, I let things overwhelm me and I felt like crap.  At least I didn't turn to my old friend, food.  Instead, I turned to Andrea and she made me feel a little better.  I'm a lucky guy to have her.

As I am now learning, I totally underestimated the emotional toll this whole diet and exercise thing would take on me.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy to lose 230 lbs, half my body weight, but I didn't anticipate how excruciatingly hard it would sometimes be.  I figured there would be good and bad days here and there, with the occasional setback.  It never occurred to me that the bad days would hurt so much or devastate me as much as they do.

Maybe it's because I'm doing all this on such a public stage or maybe it's just the cruel nature of a diet.  Who knows.  Whatever the case, every time I step on that scale and I don't see at least a couple lbs gone, I feel like a gigantic failure.  I feel like I'm letting everyone who is following my story down and I'm setting a bad example for the people who are were inspired and motivated by Donate My Weight. 

There's also this worry I have, that businesses and people will see my setbacks and start to lose interest in things.  I know that I will be successful before all is said and done, but I'm afraid other people will start to lose faith in me.  It's not that the attention that concerns me, but if people begin to forget about this project, then they will also forget about donating to the food banks.  If that happens, then I will be letting down the food banks and the hungry people who rely on them to stay alive.

It's a lot of pressure and I don't want to hurt anyone or let anyone down.  Then there's the job thing.  I feel like huge failure because I'm not working in some good-paying job and giving my family the things I want them to have.  As it is now, I work almost the entire day on the computer with Donate My Weight or my writing for Exit Zero, but neither pay the bills and Andrea is forced to work.  Well, she actually wanted to work because she is going to college for her elementary school teaching certification and she took a job as a teacher's aide at a local elementary school.  It still bothers me that I'm not out there bringing home the money though, because I feel like I'm letting her and the kids down.

It probably won't make sense to anyone else, but I'm actually afraid to go back to work.  Whenever I work in an office I tend to go into this aggressive businessman mode and I become a stressed-out guy who is always pushing people (and myself) for better and better results.  I become more than a little irritable at times and I start acting like a different person.  I know it may sound crazy, but I get so focused on the bottom line that I lose sight of the things that are important.  I think it all comes from a deep-seated fear of failure and I try to do everything I possibly can to avoid it.  Some of those very behaviors are what holds me back from ultimate success in the end.

I'm working hard to change the way I act and react when stress feels overwhelming and pressure come my way.  Donate My Weight has been a great teacher for me and I feel like I've come so far, but I'm afraid if I go back into the office I will slip back into my old habits.  Then there's the constant food, which anyone who ever worked in an office can probably understand.  It's always someone's birthday, or a team pot luck or some sort of company celebration... the food never stops.    

I believe I would be much better suited to deal with the food and I am pretty confident that I could control myself, my worry is more centered on the jobs themselves.  I don't know, maybe I'm being dumb and I should suck it up.  I'm going to do what I have to do to feed my family, that's not a question.  I just wish I had other options right now and I think all my fears comes down to a lack of confidence.  I'm getting better with that, but it's a gradual process and it takes time. 

05/16/2008

Well, hmmm.  I'm not sure where to start things today, because it's been kind of a weird day.  First things first, it's Friday and I weighed in this morning.  I'm sorry to say I weighed exactly the same as I weighed last week.  It could be because of my screw-up with the seafood buffet over the weekend or it could be all the pork I've eaten this week.  I made marinated pork loin for dinner on both Mon and Wed, which was low in calorie but high in sodium.  It could also be all the pretzels I inexplicably chose to eat last night.  Again, they're low in calories, but high in sodium. 

Whatever the case, I'm going to try and not let it get me down.  I also had a bad weigh-in three weeks ago and in between then and now, I lost 9 lbs.  So, instead of beating myself down, I'm thinking about how I can really rock the boat next week.  Here's the plan- I will find my way into the gym every day for the upcoming week and going forward, I will stick to my guns and make sure my cheat day is only ONE DAY. 

The good news is, I reviewed my progress chart (I keep all sorts of data on what I'm doing) and according to my readings, I am still on track to lose all 230 lbs by the end of the year.  It's going to feel so nice when I celebrate Christmas at half the size I was when I celebrated New Years!  Even if it doesn't work out and I have 20 or so pounds left at the end of the year, I will still have lost an insane amount of weight and it will feel great!

I've also begun to really ramp up the job search, which is depressing.  I was laid off from my previous position at the end of last year and I've been looking for something new ever since.  As upsetting as the whole thing was, the time away from the office gave me the ability to start 'Donate My Weight' and build the website.  I worry that when I do find a position, I won't be able to dedicate the same amount of time to everything as I do now. 

That's not to say I won't keep going with things, I absolutely will.  I'm not going to stop until I meet my goal.  I'm just concerned about all the behind-the-scenes stuff like keeping the website going and making the media appearances.   But I have to pay the bills and my money is quickly running out.  It would be the greatest thing in the world if I was able to turn 'Donate My Weight' into a full-time job.  Imagine, making a living by helping people to live healthier, longer lives and at the same time, helping to feed the hungry. 

Unfortunately, I just don't know how to make that a reality right now, so I am off to check out the classifieds and Career Builder.  Wish me luck and if you feel like sending me cash, my address is... just kidding.  I'll get there one way or the other!

05/14/2008

I spent the morning in Philadelphia today, appearing on Fox's 'Good Day Philadelphia' show and then visiting the nice people over at Philabundance.  It was a wonderful experience to meet with the Director of Philabundance, along with all the other people who work so hard and dedicate their lives to feeding the hungry.  I'd love to be able to make 'Donate My Weight' a full-time job one day, helping others to lose weight and at the same time, raising donations for food banks.  Maybe it's a pipe dream, but it would a wonderful way to make a living...

While I was in Philly, I also took the time to visit Independence Hall.  I was lucky enough to arrive just in time to join a scheduled tour of the building, which was awesome.  I later found out that some people had waited days to get their tickets.  It seems that I happened to walk over to the security office at the perfect time.

Anyway, the tour was led by a gentleman who was not only knowledgeable, he was also a dynamic speaker.  His enthusiasm made the whole tour that much better.  I barely remember a visit that my family took when I was really young, but this time I was able to appreciate things more and understand exactly what was done in that building. 

The Declaration of Independence was signed there, the Articles of Confederation were adopted in that building, George Washington presided over the convention that created our constitution and the design for the American flag was selected there.  So much happened in those hallowed halls and it was even our nation's capitol until 1880, when the capitol was moved to Washington, DC. 

The United States of America was born in that building and it was just an incredible experience to walk the same halls that were once used by men like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin and so many more.  I found myself thinking about what great men they were for all that they did to found our country and preserve the freedoms and liberty we enjoy today.  Then it hit me.

They were just average guys like you and me.  There was nothing particularly special about any of them, other than their shared vision of a better life for themselves and their countrymen.  They were all living lives of hardship, tormented by a king and at the mercy of the king's armies, who felt people living in the colonies were beneath them.  Instead of giving in and declaring their obstacles insurmountable, they chose to fight.

Our forefathers made a choice to look beyond their hardships and find opportunity in their adversity.  At the same time many other colonial settlers had broken down and resigned themselves to a rough life, figuring that it was safer than risking everything they had for an uncertain future.  After all, fighting back against the king's tyranny was a risky decision.  Had our forefathers' efforts not been successful, they surely would have been branded traitors and hung.

Even so, they chose to fight.  Throwing caution to the wind, they put their hearts and souls into the move towards independence and in the end, that small group of men changed the world.  Sorry for the history lesson, I don't mean to preach.  It's just that for a guy like me in the middle of this big challenge, the story really inspires me.  Walking the halls of Independence Hall made the story that much more real to me and it was a thrill.  

05/13/2008

The wedding was tremendous and though the weather didn't cooperate, the day was still grand!  I had never been to the Hotel Alcott (where they held the reception) but it is such a gorgeous old inn.  Meredith chose a really nice location to host the event.  She also made a great decision in her husband, a gentleman by the name of Hamel.  He seems like a very genuine guy and it's easy to see how much he loves Meredith. 

A made a few missteps with my eating, but other than the seafood buffet, nothing was too bad.  Everything will even out with hard work and dedication, I have faith.  Yesterday I jumped right back into the routine of things and I am solidly back on the diet.  I hope everything will go well with the weigh-in this week, but even if that number doesn't go down, I will keep going strong.

I have a live interview tomorrow morning, on Fox's 'Good Day Philadelphia' and I need to get on the road at 6:30am, to make sure I'm in Philly at 8am.  Andrea has to work and none of my other friends or family are able to go with me, so I'll be solo on this one.  I always get nervous before interviews and this one is going to be live, which is something I never did before.  God, I hope I don't say anything stupid or completely go blank during the interview.  As I type this, I'm getting myself even more nervous, so I'm going to end things right there.

05/10/2008

Well... I ate the buffet.  I thought I would be able to make a better choice, but it just didn't happen.  I began rationalizing with myself and I kept thinking that one meal wouldn't hurt anything.  After all, the cheat day is only a day away and it couldn't be that bad, right?  One little meal isn't going to make a big difference, is it?  I'm rarely in Cape May on a Thursday night and I haven't eaten at the buffet since last September, so...

I wish I would have had more control over things, I allowed my mind to play tricks on me.  I had very little to eat all day until we arrived in Cape May and I made my decision on an empty stomach.  It was such a stupid mistake and I thought I was beyond all this nonsense.  I guess it's a good lesson for me, some of those feelings and urges never really go away.  The only way I'm going to be successful with this diet and the weight maintenance afterwards, is to find a way to get beyond all those rationalizations and traps.

Instead of getting all upset with myself and letting my terrible decision ruin the wedding today (and the rest of the weekend), I'm going to try something new.  I'm acknowledging my mistake, planning ways to prevent it from happening again and then I'm going to move on.  Meredith's wedding will be a beautiful occasion and today is my official cheat day.  I considered taking the cheat day away from myself as a sort of self-punishment, but I don't think that's a good idea.

If I were to punish my behavior in that way, I'd just be setting myself up for failure.  That's something the old Ben would do and I'm just not the same guy anymore.  Now on to the fun!

05/08/2008

I'm heading back to Cape May this afternoon, with the lovely Andrea.  My cousin, Meredith, is getting married on the beach and holding her reception in a historic old hotel named The Alcott.  This is also the weekend for my cheat day and I can't even tell you how much I am looking forward to it.  Meredith told me that the food at the wedding would be awesome, so I have decided to make her wedding day my cheat day.  I hope she has those scallop appetizer dealies with the bacon wrapped around them.

The weather doesn't look like it will cooperate for a lot of walking, unfortunately.  I am taking my new 'sport' sandals and maybe I will be in for a nice surprise.  The last time we went down to Cape May, the weather report called for lots of rain and we actually had a beautiful weekend.  I really hope the weather is nice for Meredith's wedding, if nothing else.  It would be a shame if rain were to postpone the nuptials or force them to another location.

My only real worry is the seafood buffet at the Grand Hotel in Cape May.  Every Thursday they have this awesome buffet with tons of seafood, but my cheat day isn't until Saturday.  Initially, I had hoped to split the day in half with part of the cheat day for the buffet and the rest for the wedding.  Then I realized how dumb that sounds and I resigned myself to saving the day for the wedding.  I hope I am able to resist the temptation and eat healthy Thursday night.

05/06/2008

Yesterday was a fun day, I had the opportunity to meet Kimberly Garrison, a renowned fitness trainer and columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News.  Kimberly has appeared on tons of TV and radio programs, along with a number of magazines including the holy grail of lifestyle magazines, Cosmo.   Kimberly heard about what I'm doing with Donate My Weight and the challenge to the people of Philadelphia. 

Since she writes a column for the Daily News and also hosts a podcast each week on fitness topics, Kimberly wanted to talk with me about everything.  She even invited me to come to her office at the Daily News yesterday and appear as this week's guest on her podcast! 

I've done a lot of interviews since the beginning of the year (I still get super-nervous each and every time) , but I have to say the one with Kimberly went really smooth.  She made me feel very comfortable and it was like talking with an old friend.   Of course, I haven't heard the podcast yet, so it's entirely possible that I sound like a moron and it didn't come off as well as I thought.  I just hope that's not the case.  Either way, Kimberly was great and I really appreciate her allowing me to share my story with her audience.

Hopefully the weigh-in this week will go well.  I'm a little nervous because I just started the weight lifting and I read that when you first start anaerobic exercises, you can retain water for a little while.  I am sticking to my diet exactly and exercising, so if I don't show great numbers this week, at least I will know it's a water thing. 

05/04/2008

"Sore" doesn't even begin to express how I feel today.  Every part of my body aches, Good Lord!  Wherever my trainer is right now, she's probably saying, "I told you so."  Misty created a nice beginning workout routine for me, something that would get me back into the weights without overdoing it.  Well, thinking I knew better, I decided to disregard her plan and use one of my old routines.

Wow!  That was a stupid decision on my part.  The weights I used were way too heavy for my current fitness level and I pushed myself much harder than I should have.  My arms, my chest and my shoulders are especially on fire.  To top things off, Andrea and I took the kids to Dorney Park's opening day, yesterday.  We spent about 4 hours walking around the park and I even carried Alex on my shoulders for awhile.  I am beat. 

Hopefully, I will bring in a good number this coming week, I am actually weighing myself on Thursday, instead of Friday.  Andrea and I will be heading back down to Cape May this coming weekend, to attend my cousin's wedding.  I've also held out on my cheat day and saved it for the wedding, so you know I will be enjoying all sorts of good food!

Speaking of holding out, I did an awesome job at TGI Friday's last night.  After the park, we all went to the restaurant for dinner.  Andrea ordered this neat steak sandwich thing we saw on the Food Network, Jordan got a half-rack of ribs and Alex ordered a pizza. 
When it came my turn to order, all I wanted was a nice cheeseburger and fries.  I was so tired and beat, with a hunger that was bordering on insane.  I was so close to ordering a turkey burger with fries but alas, when the waitress asked me what I wanted, I found myself ordering the diet special with two skewers of shrimp and steamed broccoli. 

Even after I ordered, I was annoyed with myself.  I was super hungry for bad food and I couldn't believe I made the choice I did.  It was almost as if I was angry with some other guy who was preventing me from ordering the crap I wanted.  By the time that I went to bed last night, I grew to appreciate my decision and I was even a little proud of myself.  I guess it's the little victories like this, that add up to a big success in the end.

I am also excited to say that Exit Zero magazine will begin running an advertisement for 'Donate My Weight' this week!  Thousands and thousands of people who come to Cape May each year will get to see the ad and learn about 'Donate My Weight'!  You can check it out HERE!

05/02/2008

I received a phone call tonight that blew me away.  I answered the phone and was greeted by a gentleman, who's voice I didn't recognize.  He said, "I bet you're wondering who this is," and I replied that I was.  "It's Gerald Martinez from Albuquerque, NM," the caller said.  I still didn't get it for a second and then, it hit me.  I was speaking with Pastor Gerald Martinez, the man I had watched on ABC's 'Extreme Home Makeover' a few days earlier.

Andrea and I are big fans of EHM, which details the story of a deserving family that gets a brand-new home, courtesy of the show.  Each week, they show a family that has undergone hard times, but still devoted their lives to helping others.  Usually, the people are living in sub-standard living conditions, because they have chosen to focus their attention and money on the people they are helping.  This past week was no exception.

Extreme Home Makeover traveled to Albuquerque, NM, where they introduced us to Pastor Martinez and his family.  The Martinez family lived in a neighborhood formerly known as "the warzone" because it was infested with gang violence, drugs and other bad stuff.  Led by the family's patriarch, Pastor Martinez, the family felt that they could turn things around and offer the people in the neighborhood a better life. 

Through their own love and devotion, they founded a local church and opened up a shelter for people to stay, while they were cleaning themselves up and getting back on track.  Pastor Martinez ministers to people all over the neighborhood and even finds a way to distribute about 3,000 lbs of food to hungry individuals each week.  The story is much more involved and I would recommend anyone learn more about it, because the entire Martinez family is extremely inspiring.  Click HERE for more on their story. 

Getting back to my phone call, I decided to contact Pastor Martinez myself, after I saw the program.  When I heard about all the people he feeds each week (out of his own pocket and with contributions from the community), I knew I wanted to help, however I could.  I looked all over for contact information, but couldn't find anything.  So, I sent a message to the people at Extreme Home Makeover, who graciously passed my message along to Pastor Martinez. 

So, fast forward to today, when I received the Pastor's call.  I had the pleasure of talking with him for almost an hour and I can honestly say that he is just as inspiring in real life, as he came across on the TV.  He told me the story of how he was attacked by some gang members one day and they beat him so badly that he had to go to the hospital.  That same day, after he was discharged, he went right to the gang leader's home and made peace.  Where most other people would have run, Pastor Martinez and his family decided to anchor themselves in the community even deeper. 

Through their hard work and love, the neighborhood that was formerly known as "the warzone" is now known as "God's block."  Day by day, conditions get better and because of the Martinez family, the local children have hope for a better life.  I'm not sure what will happen in the future with Pastor Martinez and 'Donate My Weight', but I hope that I will have the opportunity to help him with his noble mission.  Even if that doesn't materialize, it is great to know that there are such good people in the world.

Click HERE to visit Pastor Martinez's church and learn more about what he is doing, out in Albuquerque!

05/01/2008

Things are looking up!  I weighed in today at the VA and I lost another 4 lbs!  That means my total lost for the past four months is 75 lbs.  If I'm able to keep that pace through out the year, I will lose 225 lbs by the end of December- only 5 lbs from my goal!!!  If I can find a way to squeeze that 5 lbs in somewhere, I will hit the goal and lose half my weight by the end of the year!

That's just an unbelievable feeling that I can't begin to explain.  If I can keep the loss steady, I will be 150 lbs down by the end of August, which would make me 310 lbs.  Sure, it's still big, but it would be an incredible accomplishment.  Scratch that, it WILL be an  incredible accomplishment.  No reason to get wishy-washy now, I need to stay positive and have faith in myself.

When all is said and done, I will hit that 230 lb mark and prove to everyone that it is possible to make such a big change , no matter how set in their ways a person is.  Before this diet I was morbidly obese and though I wasn't happy with the way I was living my life, I couldn't see any possible way it would ever change.  I had tried diet after diet and failed, losing a big chunk of my self-esteem and watching my confidence fade away with each failure. 

Just like so many other people out there, I desperately wanted to live a better life but I didn't think it was possible.  At the same time, I was also ashamed of what I was doing to myself, so I started sneaking food when nobody was around and binging to make myself feel better.  I remember all to clearly, the shame I would feel when Andrea found one of my bags of empty cookie packages, doughnut boxes, chips, etc.  I hid the bags around the house, because I didn't want her to see them in the garbage and know what I did.  I always tried to either throw the bags in a nearby dumpster or put them out for the trash without her knowing about them.   

I've never admitted it before, but I had gotten to the point where I could eat a half-dozen doughnuts, a large sub sandwich and a bag of chips and salsa in one sitting.  If I went to McDonalds, I would always get two large fries, two double-cheeseburgers and either a chicken sandwich or a 20 piece chicken nuggets.  Sometimes I would even go to multiple fast-food chains, to get the best of each place.  For a snack in the evening, I would eat an entire bag of chips and a large package of Chips Ahoy cookies or Chips Deluxe cookies.  Another of my favorite snacks was an entire package of miniature Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  I must have eaten thousands of them...

I never binged in front of anyone, even Andrea.  I would eat all sorts of stuff from the fridge when we were together at night, but I would space it out so it didn't seem like as much.  The whole thing was very sneaky and deceitful, but I never saw it that way.  I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, I was only doing what I could to hide my addiction.  I was so ashamed of myself and even now, I can't tell you how much it hurts to think about it all.   

04/29/2008

I am a hurting boy right now!  I began my anaerobic routine (weights) and my first focus was on my shoulders.  It was a little upsetting to see that I couldn't lift anywhere near what I used to lift in the gym, but at the same time, it felt good to have those dumbbells in my hands again.  I did three sets of 6-8 reps, with three of my favorite exercises- Upright Row, Front Lateral Raise and Side Lateral Raise. 

My shoulders and my traps (the muscles around your neck) are on fire.  It's a good feeling, though.  I'm really glad I got up the nerve and went back to the gym again.  It can be a little intimidating to see all the other, fit people in there.  The way I got around it was to focus on my own exercises and making sure I did everything right.  I hardly even noticed the other people in the gym once I got myself in 'the zone.'

After the weights, I went upstairs and jumped on the treadmill for 30 mins which turned out to be a nice cool-down for me.  I kept a solid pace and according to the machine, my heart rate stayed steady, but the walking and swinging my arms helped me loosen the muscles of my shoulders and neck.  The only bad thing was that I forgot my mp3 player at home and I also forgot my headphones for the TV on the treadmill.  All the treadmills have flat screen TVs built in, at the Gold's Gym where I work out.  You can only watch the pictures though, if you forget to bring in headphones.  Oop.

I had my doctors appointment yesterday and while that seemed to be a waste of time, I did weigh myself.  The scale made me happy and if it wasn't an inanimate object, I would have kissed it.  According to the scale, I lose that pound I gained and I also lost one more!  I originally wasn't going to mark it on the site because I was going to wait until the end of the week, but I just hate seeing that 69 lbs.  So, I changed it and I am officially 71 lbs less than I was at the beginning of the year.  It's a good day!

04/27/2008

It's been a good weekend and I stuck to my diet!  Woo hoo!  See that, one setback doesn't have to be the end of the world!  I am completely confident that when I step on the scale tomorrow, not only will that extra pound be gone, I'll be back on top of the game and losing again.  Normally I wouldn't weigh myself on a Monday, but I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and while I'm there...

I am also planning to start lifting weights this week, along with my treadmill time.  Once I hit the 400 lb mark, I went back to the gym and I began my routine of walking 45 mins on the treadmill.  When I couldn't make it to the gym or for a little something different, I have been walking in local parks and down at the beach.

Walking around Victorian Cape May is one of my favorite pastimes, it's such a beautiful place.  As I get back to the weights, I'm going to start off slowly with a split, three-day workout.  One day I will do shoulders, one day chest and one day will be arms.  Misty created a training program for me and after two weeks of this basic routine I created, I'm going to switch to hers.  Hopefully, things will go well and I will start to drop more steadily.  One thing is for sure, it's going to hurt for awhile as I get used to the workouts.

04/25/2008

Today is a day that I hoped would never come.  I made my weekly visit to the scale at the VA Clinic and instead of losing weight, I gained a pound.  You read that right, I gained one pound of weight over this past week.  Just as I would have done if I had lost a few pounds, I updated the website with my current weight and I added one pound back to my progress chart.  You have no idea how much it hurt me to do that. 

I guess I could sit here and try to come up with reasons for the results, but it would be a waste of time.  I know I screwed up this week and though I didn't think it was enough to gain a pound back, here we are.  Instead of focusing on what happened, I am going to think about how I can make sure it doesn't happen again.  Yeah, it feels terrible right now, but my setback presents a perfect opportunity.

I'm sure there are thousands of people who have experienced a setback like and I want to prove to everyone (myself included), that one bad week doesn't have to be the end.  I said at the beginning my Donate My Weight that I will lose 230 lbs and that's exactly what I plan on doing.  I'm feeling pretty angry right now and I'm frustrated I let this happen.  In the past I would have turned to food for comfort and I would have made a quick run to Wendy's, McDonalds or the Chinese buffet.  Not anymore!

After I left the VA Clinic, I immediately drove to Wegmans and bought a turkey wrap for lunch, along with 3 containers of Crystal Light, a watermelon and some low-fat hot dogs.  Rather than coming home and binging on unhealthy foods like I would have done in the past, I sat myself in front of the computer and made a plan for success.  The only difference between then and now is my attitude.  By looking at my situation as positively as I can, I am able to look beyond my emotions and see things as they really are.  I made a mistake, it's not the end of the world.  Tomorrow's a new day!

In other news, Andrea and I took the kids to the Franklin Institute yesterday. It was incredible how much there was for us to see and do.  Along with all the neat exhibits, we took in a 3D movie about bugs and an IMAX movie called 'Dinosaurs Alive.'  Jordan and Alexandra (my stepchildren) even decided to take a ride on the ultra-intense flight simulator.   Before we knew it, more than five hours had passed and it was time to come home. 

We all had a great time and we dropped Jordan off at his grandparent's house after we got home.  He's a lucky boy because his dad's parents are spending the week in Orlando and they offered to take him along.  He's probably having fun at Disney World as I write this, hanging out with Mickey Mouse and trying out all the neat rides.  The best part for him is that in a month and a half, he gets to go down again with us. 

In the end of June, Andrea's Aunt and Uncle will be spending a week at their time-share in Orlando and they invited us to come along.  We elected not to fly because of my panic attacks, so we'll be driving through the night and stopping half-way at my sister's house in North Carolina.  The drive is going to be a bit grueling, but I really have a hard time with planes anymore.  I used to fly all over the world with the Navy so it doesn't make much sense to me. 

Ever since I started having attacks, the thought of a plane ride scares me to death.  I don't even know if I could do it with my medicine.  It's not so much that I am afraid of a crash or worried that something will happen to the plane.  I have problems with that trapped, closed-in feeling of being stuck in the plane with no way out for the duration of the flight.  That's why I elected to drive over 1,000 miles to Orlando.

Before that happens, Andrea and I will also be taking two more trips to Cape May.  My cousin is getting married on the beach in two weeks and then in another two weeks, we'll be visiting an inn called 'The Mainstay' to do some more research for one of my columns in Exit Zero magazine.  Each of these trips will be a challenge for me to keep to my diet but they'll also be a great opportunity for me to get some additional exercise walking around.  Every little bit counts!

04/24/2008

I'm happy to report that I was able to keep to the diet yesterday and I've gotten myself back in the groove.  Boy, I was upset again yesterday and scared at the prospect of not being able to finish this diet.  It's like I'm on an emotional roller coaster and every other day I'm either very happy or extremely frustrated.  The intense feelings are new to me and I'm having a hard time getting used to them.  I've dealt with extreme anxiety from my panic attacks, but this happy one day and sad the next thing is wearing me out.  I'm seriously starting to feel like a nut.

The feelings could be from the diet and the prospect of completely changing my life around or maybe they come from all the pressure of Donate My Weight and my worry about letting people down.  Who knows...

I walked again yesterday for about a half hour, which is a good thing.  In my post on Tuesday, I forgot to mention that even though I ate too much food in Cape May, I did meet my goal of walking three and a half miles each day.  Monday morning the weather was beautiful, though a little windy, so Andrea and I talked on the promenade.  I was unsure if I would be able to walk that distance all at once, because I am still a big guy.  Turned out that I could, but it hurt my knees, shins, feet, back, shoulders, etc.

On Tuesday morning, Andrea and I took off again on the boardwalk before we drove back to PA.  About a mile down from the inn where we stayed, we chose to get off the promenade and walk through town.  I wanted to get a postcard for my Nana and I couldn't seem to find one anywhere.  Every time I visit Cape May, I try to send her a postcard of the inn where I'm staying.  Aside from being one of the nicest people I've ever known, my Nana is the reason I fell in love with Cape May in the first place.

She is the one who started our family tradition of coming to the island, after she grew up spending time each summer at her Great-Aunt's house in Cape May.  She even worked there one summer in the early 1940's, at the well-known hotel and former Summer Whitehouse, Congress Hall.  As she grew older, Nana brought her kids to Cape May and they eventually brought their own kids (my brother, sister, cousins and me).  She shared her love for the resort with all of us and whenever I'm in town, I like to make sure she knows I'm thinking of her.

So, I wanted to find a nice postcard of the Peter Shields Inn, but I wasn't having any luck.  I tried a bunch of stores and after walking for what seemed like hours, I found the card at a store called Dellas, on the Washington Street Mall.  It was about two and a half miles in all, but I had to walk back to the inn, which was a mile away.  Maybe all that walking will help offset some of the additional calories I ingested.  I'll find out tomorrow when I weigh myself, but I sure hope that is the case!

04/22/2008

Figure something out for me, because I don't understand.  Two days ago I felt like I was on top of the world and today, I feel like a huge failure.  After I wrote that blog two days ago, Andrea and I headed down to Cape May to allow me to do some research for an article I'm writing.  It was the day after my last cheat day and I was feeling confident that I would jump right back on the diet with no problem.

That didn't happen and instead, I attended a wine and cheese function with all sorts of gourmet cheeses and crackers.  I did skip the wine and substituted my Coke Zero, but I ate plenty of cheese with crackers and dip.  Then I took Andrea to the Peter Shields Inn, an upscale Cape May restaurant that takes fine dining to the next level.  We were somewhat out of our element, but the food was unbelievable and it was the first time either of us had ever been offered an amuse buche.

It was a great dinner and I had a lobster/crab cake with a lobster sauce cognac sauce that was out of this world.  We shared a brownie dish with ice cream for dessert.  Then yesterday, I ate a hearty breakfast at the inn and Andrea and I had lunch at an Asian restaurant called Cape Orient.  In another first, I ordered a Thai dish with chicken in a red curry coconut sauce.  Around 4pm we had another wine and cheese thing with even more choices of gourmet cheese.  For dinner, we went to one of our favorite cafe's, a little place called Freda's.  I made more bad decisions by ordering a seafood bisque to start, a huge NY Strip Steak with garlic mashed potatoes and Andrea and I shared an apple crisp for dessert.

This morning I woke up all kinds of frustrated about the past two days and resigned to take control of things with the diet again.  Once I sat down for breakfast, however, I did exactly the opposite.  I totally blew it and had another hearty breakfast with a muffin, quiche and a prosciutto melon side.  We drove back from Cape May and while we were on the road, I ate the second half of the steak from last night.  After we got home I started grazing around the kitchen and it was like I was a madman.  I don't understand what happened but I started eating and I couldn't stop myself. 

I ate so much crap it wasn't even funny.  There were cookies, mini corn dogs, pierogies and even a big bowl  of corn flakes.  I truly felt like I just couldn't stop eating, as if I was compelled to keep shoveling it in.  It was a terrible feeling and with every bite, I could feel my confidence dribbling away.  Eating all that food made me feel terrible and the more I ate, the worse I felt.  But I just kept eating... 

I really screwed up in the last few days and it's tearing me apart inside.  It's not just that I set myself back and ruined the great progress I've made, but I don't know why I did it and that scares me.  If I can't figure out what motivates me to eat, than I won't be able to identify the triggers and find ways to counter them. 

I need to be able to understand what motivates me to overeat or to make bad food choices.  There's been a whole lot on my mind the past few days, but I don't know which thing put me over the edge.  One of the biggest issues I've ever had to deal with came back to the front of my mind yesterday, after I had another dream about my dad.

In my dream, my dad was still alive but he knew he was going to die of a heart attack and he told me ahead of time.  I got the opportunity to say all those things I wish I could have said to him when it actually happened, but it didn't make me feel any better.  I woke up before he died in the dream and instead of thinking how good it felt to have the opportunity to say goodbye, I was devastated when I remembered that it never really happened. 

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately and  I just can't seem to find a way to move on.  I even contacted Lisa Williams from the Lifetime show "Life Among the Dead" and asked to talk with her when she was appearing at a local venue.  Unfortunately, her manager explained to me that she didn't have the time to meet with me and she had to leave town immediately after the show to head to the next venue.    

So I don't know where to go from here or what will happen tomorrow.  All I can do it try to get back on track and fix the mistakes I've made in the past few days.  I know that there are a ton of people out there who are also trying to lose weight and I talk to many of them  every day.  I always say that successfully losing weight and meeting your goal has nothing to do with how many times you fall off the diet wagon.  I just means that you get back up one more time than you fall down.  I tell them that the point is simple, if you don't quit on yourself, you will always be successful in the end.

Let's see if I can follow my own advice...

04/20/2008

My son gave me a fortune cookie this morning and as he anxiously awaited, I cracked it open and checked out the fortune.  "Share your happiness with others," it proclaimed.  Who am I to argue with a fortune cookie?

So an amazing thing happened in the shower last night... I had a tremendous epiphany.  I don't even know if I can actually call it an epiphany since I realized something I already knew.  For whatever reason, as I stood in the shower thinking about all the stresses in my life (a daily ritual of mine), it occurred to me that I lost 70 lbs in the past three and a half months.  I'm nearly 1/3 of the way to my goal. 

That's a great feeling and I'm not going to allow any negative thoughts to take away from it.  A couple days ago I had an awesome thing happen that really made me feel good.  I was in the kitchen and I waved my left arm around for whatever reason, when all of a sudden, my wedding ring came flying off my finger and sailed across the room.  Now you have to understand, that sucker was tight when we were married.  It was hard getting it onto my hand back then and now, it slides right off.  Yay!!!

I will try to stay positive in here as I go forward with the diet, rather than letting my emotions control the keyboard.  Sometimes it's so hard to keep a smile on my face when my heart is screaming out in pain.  I'm not just losing weight, I'm creating a whole new lifestyle for myself and there are an awful lot of lows to go along with the many highs.  I try to be realistic about things and I want people to know that it isn't easy for me to lose weight, it's been a struggle everyday. 

At the same time, I was slowly killing myself with my obesity before the diet and my quality of life was severely restricted.  Every bit of pain I feel, every time I cry out in frustration, every single time that scale has broken my heart... it's all worth it.  More importantly, I'm worth it.  I hope people will read my story and realize that they're worth it too.  I want them to understand that I'm just a regular guy from a small town in Pennsylvania.  I've made bad decisions in my past, just like everyone else, but I decided to take a different path in life.  The honest-to-God truth is that anybody can do the same thing I am doing, they just need to believe in themselves. 

In other news, I'm on the way back down to Cape May this afternoon and I will do my best to keep in line with my diet and walk my butt off.  I'm staying at a gorgeous old B&B called the Peter Shields Inn and if I walk from the inn to the end of the promenade where Andrea and I were married, it's a 1.7 mile walk.  That means that when I walk from here to the end of the promenade and back, it's just under 3 and a half miles.

It'll be my goal to make that walk on both Monday and Tuesday morning.  If I'm feeling adventurous, I'll skip the promenade and take the walks on the beach.  That sand can be unforgiving for a big guy like me, so it will take some effort.  And I'm glad I brought that up, because it's something I never realized before I started putting on weight.  It never occurred to me that the heavier a person is, the more they sink in the sand and the harder it is to walk on the beach.  Also, if you have a big frame it's much harder to stay on your feet in the ocean because the waves have more area to hit and the undertow pulls your two legs out from under you. 

04/18/2008

By rights, today should be a good day and I guess it is.  I lost another 4 lbs this past week, bringing my total lost to 70 lbs.  Even though I am happy about the loss, I'm also disappointed it wasn't a little more.  After I only pulled one lb when I weighed in last week, I kind of hoped it was due to extra sodium in my diet causing me to retain water.  Were that the case, all the retained water would have drained out during the past week and my weigh-in today would have been larger than normal.

Instead, it was 4 lbs, which is pretty average.  I was really hoping for a 7 lb weight loss and I probably allowed myself to get too hopeful.  Because I was expecting a good number, I was a bit upset when 4 lbs came up on the screen.  I should have been happy to see 4 lbs lost, not disappointed that I didn't see 7 lbs lost.

I think a big part of the reasons I get so emotional about all my weigh-ins is because I am so worried about letting anyone down.  I know a lot of people are depending on me to lose weight and deliver the donated food, so when I don't lose fast enough, I feel like I'm not doing my part.  There's also a sense of anxiety about the foods I'm eating and I wonder if my results would be different if I cut my calories back from 1500 to 1200. 

At the beginning of the diet I ate a lot of low-fat hot dogs and Lean Cuisine meals because they were easy.  Maybe I should go back to that because there seems to be a lot of hidden calories in prepared foods.  I know I want to starting eating more yogurt again, that Activia tasted good and when I had some every day, I saw consistent results.  I guess I'm doing a lot of second guessing, trying to do the best I can.  I know anyone else who's ever been on a diet can empathize with me. 

We all go through good and bad times, with some weeks that make us want to jump for joy and others that make us want to throw the scale into the ocean.  In the beginning of this diet, I said that I believed my key to success would be perseverance.  Every time I made a mistake or saw results that didn't make me happy, I would keep the faith and try harder next time.  Looking back at the past four months, I think I can honestly say I held firm to that strategy. 

Sitting here in my living room, typing this blog, I see no reason to change course.  Sure I'm frustrated that my results are not as aggressive as I had hoped, but I'll just use those emotions to push myself even harder in the upcoming week.  I will absolutely meet my goal of losing 230 lbs, there's no turning back now!

04/14/2008

Andrea and I came back from Cape May this afternoon and I am happy to report that I DID stick to the diet.  Like last time, I enjoyed some good crab cakes, steak and shrimp but also like last time, I cut every meal in half so I didn't eat too many calories at once.  I also avoided any fried foods and substituted fresh vegetables for French fries or mashed potatoes at restaurants.  As for that sweet, sweet fudge at the Original Fudge Kitchen... I followed Nancy Reagan famous drug advice- I just said no. 

It wasn't always easy to find something healthy on the menus, because I think a lot of people go to the beach to relax and indulge themselves.  They don't worry about eating healthy at the restaurants and chefs prepare their menus accordingly.  With the exception of basic house salads (I enjoyed one at two different restaurants) even the entree salads were filled with cheeses, meats, rich dressings and other high-fat content. 

Don't get me wrong, there are some awesome eating establishments in Cape May and the fresh seafood is out of this world.  My main problem is avoiding all the rich sauces, gravies and delicious cheese toppings that are so prevalent.  Let me give you an example- Andrea and I had lunch at a famous restaurant called The Lobster House.  I ordered broiled crab cakes with a house salad, while Andrea ordered one of her favorite dishes, Sauté Shrimp Parmigiana. 

When our plates came, hers looked like a huge bowl of cheese with shrimp sticking out.  It seemed so warm and gooey, like a little plate of heaven.  The dish is comprised of sautéed jumbo shrimp in a chunky tomato sauce over penne pasta, covered with Provolone, Mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses.  In comparison, my little crab cakes looked so sad and lonely on it's bed of lettuce...

All in all, it was a great weekend.   I stayed firm and didn't let the frustration from Friday's weigh-in, overcome me and push me to do something I would regret.  Andrea and I also walked a whole lot and we capped the weekend off with a 3 mile walk on Monday afternoon.

04/11/2008

It seems the Good Lord has seen fit to try me yet again.  I worked so hard this past week and I did what I was supposed to do, but I still only lost 1 lb.  This past Saturday was my cheat day, it's true, but I restrained myself and didn't go nuts.  Then on Sunday, while the rest of the family enjoyed a delicious ham dinner with an awesome dessert, I ate a Lean Cuisine meal. 

All week I stuck to the diet and suppressed my cravings.  And what was my reward?  A measly one pound loss.  It doesn't make sense to me, not one bit.  I'm supposed to be at a deficit of about 2500 to 3000 calories a day and one calorie is equal to 3500 calories.  Taking my cheat day out of the mix, in the past week I should have lost at least 4 lbs.  It just doesn't make any sense. 

Yesterday I was all positive about this upcoming weekend in Cape May and now I'm not so sure.  I'm really worried the stress will get to me and I'll go off the diet.  Regardless of what happens, I'll make myself get back on board, but I don't want to ruin the progress I've already made. 

I honestly feel like I was just kicked in the stomach.  Dieting is a terribly hard thing on it's own, but it feels a thousand times worse when you don't see progress for all your efforts. 

04/10/2008

Boy, I am feeling some strong cravings for chocolate...  I don't know where it's coming from, but it is killing me.  I just had one of my daughter's fudge-stripe cookies (50 calories) and it's not helping at all.  I guess I'm just going to have to deal with the urges for now, because I'm not wasting any more calories on cookies or anything like that.  I'm just thankful that there's no Reese's Peanut Butter Cups around right now.

Andrea and I will be down in Cape May again this weekend, doing some more research for an article I'm writing.  I'm a little nervous that I will go off the diet, but I'm also comforted by the way I handled myself last time we were there.  I can almost hear my dad's voice in my head, telling me to have more confidence in myself.  I feel bad because no matter how hard I try to have faith, there's still those nagging doubts. 

I really hope I am able to avoid the temptation.  I'm even trying to find restaurants for us to go tomorrow and Saturday nights, going over the menus online and looking for dishes I can eat without blowing the diet.  Just like last time, I plan on splitting the food in half at dinner and keeping the rest for the following day's lunch.  God, I hope I don't cheat...  Then again, if I make a mistake, I'll just dust myself off and keep on going!

04/07/2008

It was a great weekend and I am super-proud of myself!  Aside from my cheat day that went so well on Saturday, my family got together at my mom's house on Sunday for a belated Easter celebration.  There were all my favorite foods- smoked ham, potato salad, baked beans, my Aunt Allison's macaroni and cheese, my mom's special baked corn, coleslaw, chips and for dessert, a chocolate-brownie cake with peanut butter icing from Wegmans. 

Plus, I made Andrea's famous (at least in our family) buffalo chicken dip, as well as a hot crab dip that I'm told was very good.  Of all that great food, I ate.................. one half cup of baked beans.  Instead of a ham dinner that would have been at least 1500 calories, 400-500 in dip and another 500 calories in cake, I ate a Lean Cuisine Panini for 340 calories and that half cup of beans for 140 calories. 

I stayed strong and didn't even consider giving in to temptation.  A couple months ago I wouldn't have thought it possible, but that's the kind of difference that comes from consistently making healthy choices.  I also spent 30 minutes on the treadmill over the weekend, to help offset extra calories from my cheat day.  I was very tired and didn't want to do it, but I knew the exercise was important so I just hopped on the treadmill and went to town. 

It's not easy to change bad habits and take the leap of faith that a serious diet and exercise plan requires.  I know that all too well.  I've been down as low as you can go, but if I can pick myself up off the floor and turn things around, than anyone can.  I have no doubt that there will be setbacks in my future and I'm sure I will make mistakes along the way to my goal, but I'm not going to give up on myself and all the people relying on me. 

The way I see it, I only have one life and if I'm lucky, I'll have 50 more good years before I breathe my last breath.  Whether I'm happy or miserable, that faithful day will come and there's nothing I can do to stop it.  I might as well take advantage of the time I have and live the best life I can.  

04/05/2008

An amazing thing happened today.   I sat in a booth at Ruby Tuesday's, without having to squeeze into it and without my belly hanging over.  Maybe that doesn't seem so big to you, but for me, it was a huge deal.  I was hesitant to try it because I have been humiliated way too many times before, but I'm so glad I did.

Today was my cheat day and I decided to go out to eat with Andrea.  I love Ruby Tuesday's because they have an awesome salad bar with lots of things I can't normally eat like broccoli salad and these incredible warm croutons.  Now, in the past, Andrea and I would always order an appetizer and then our dinner.  Today, I decided to make the salad bar my appetizer and I ordered a barbeque burger for dinner. 

The weird thing is, I seriously contemplated just ordering the salad bar with nothing else.  It's my cheat day where I'm supposed to eat whatever I want, and what I really wanted to eat was a salad bar.  That ranch dressing on top of the salad proved to be more tempting to me than Chinese food, McDonalds or anything else.  I barely ate any of the burger and ended up taking it home. 

I kept looking at the menu and thinking how bad a lot of that food would have been for me.  Out of nowhere, there was a little voice in my head telling me not to order a lot, because I couldn't eat it.  And even if I did, I would feel bad afterwards and regret it.  It was just the craziest thing, because that little voice is usually telling me to eat more mayonnaise or ask for things fried. 

I even considered what it would be like after the diet and how I would prefer to eat healthy, even when I went out.  I don't like that bloated, over-full feeling anymore.  Plus, I find that when I eat unhealthy, even on cheat days, I feel bad about myself.  I'm not saying I will never eat unhealthy food again, I'm sure there will be times I want to indulge, but I will eat smaller portions and just bring the leftovers home.  It's actually a great deal, like getting two meals for the price of one.

I guess I really am making progress. 

04/4/2008

What a crazy week it's been... As happy as I am to see my weight below 400, I'm still kind of nervous I will make a mistake and shoot back up.  I think I just need to gain a little more confidence in myself.  Sometimes I still have a hard time with self-esteem and I question how strong I am or whether or not I'm a